Humor Writing — The Gender Contest Results

Here are the results from our Gender Contest.

The writing challenge was:  Let’s pretend that the English language is being modified so that NOUNS have gender as they do in many other languages. For example in French, table is feminine (la table) but pencil is masculine (le crayon).  We don’t want to copy the gender labels of other languages.  Instead, we want to create our own logical (funny) reasons for assigning gender to the words. 

Writing funny lines on a Gender theme is tricky business.  See our Lesson Learned at the end of the post.

We received about 200 entries.  A panel of seven judges (speakers and improv players) scored the lines without knowing who who wrote them.  Here are the results:

FIRST PLACE
Potatoes are masculine.  All eyes.  No ears.
Kris Huffman, Bethany, Oklahoma, USA

SECOND PLACE
Boomerang is feminine because like an old girlfriend it keeps coming back. 
Les Harden, Brisbane, Australia

THIRD PLACE
Tennis is feminine (Love – 30).  Football is masculine (sudden death).
Humor Mill Toastmasters Club, Bloomington, Minnesota, USA

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

Television Remote Control is feminine.  Look how lovingly it is held by a male.

Actions are masculine for they speak louder than words and require fewer syllables.
Action is feminine if it involves more that watching TV and drinking beer.
Carpet is masculine because it just lays around thinking it looks good.
Diamonds are masculine because they are rated by their brilliance and are known as a girl’s best friend.
Computer is masculine because nobody can figure out how it works.
Software is feminine because everyone knows that software can multitask.
Directions are feminine because they are the only ones who ever use them.
Marriage can’t decide what it wants to be.
Earring should be feminine, but there’s always one old guy with a pony-tail who spoils it.
Driving is either masculine or feminine.  Good driving is definitely masculine.
Speedo, unfortunately, is masculine.
Map is feminine. Men don’t need directions.
Computers are feminine because men love to push their buttons.
Money is feminine. Men can’t get enough of it.
La-Z-boy recliner is masculine. It just sits there all day.
Door is generally masculine because its nature is to be closed. 
Map is feminine because a guy doesn’t have a clue how to read it.
Keyboard is feminine because there are a lot of buttons to push.
Oven is feminine because it needs to get warmed up. 
Microwave is masculine because it’s done in 2 minutes.
Apple is masculine as in Adam’s.
Microphone is masculine.  That’s why it’s called Mike for short.
Phone is masculine because it hears everything you say but doesn’t remember a word.
Email chat phrases can be feminine: “You seem like a nice man who respects women.”  Or masculine: “What are you wearing?”
Keyboard is masculine because you can push its buttons
Time is feminine because it goes on and on and on, but you never have enough of it.
Magic is feminine because it does the unexpected.
Boats are feminine because they are expensive.
String is masculine when wrapped around a little finger.
CD player is masculine because its a player.
Confusion is the opposite gender of the speaker. Because it doesn’t make sense.
Talking to a therapist is feminine therapy. 
Getting drunk and beating the hell out of your best friend is masculine therapy.
Quiche is feminine.  Raw eggs are masculine.
Boxing is masculine.  Kick boxing is feminine.
Spending all of your money on fancy shoes is feminine. 
Spending all of your money on wine, women and song and having to go barefoot is masculine.
Shaving your legs is feminine.  Going bald is masculine.
Beer is masculine and wine is feminine.
Salads are feminine, steaks are masculine, clogged arteries are masculine.

Weddings are feminine.  Funerals are masculine.
Drag racing is masculine. Racing in drag is feminine.
Watching professional wrestling is masculine. Wrestling professionals are feminine.
Stop signs are feminine, men often don’t see them, or pretend that they don’t.
A quick 18 holes is masculine.  18 holes of conversation is feminine.

Lesson Learned:

Jokes based on gender can easily approach borderline areas of taste, political correctness, sexism, and other issues.  The subject of what is offensive and why is not a simple thing to understand.  Although I tried to edit lines that I felt were blatently offensive, a subjective call on my part, it’s impossible to do that editorial job perfectly.  I would love to have your general comments on what you find offensive and why.  And also your specific comments on any of the lines which you feel were not appropriate and why. Or your comments on which lines you feel may be offensive to someone else, even though they did not bother you.  I’ll write a future article on the subject of Humor That Offends.  Your inputs will be valuable.