Creative Writing and Humor Skills — Warning Labels

This month we featured a Warning Label Contest.  Writers were asked to create imaginary warning labels for products, people, or animals.  We received over two hundred entries.  Fourteen judges (speakers and improv players) voted for their favorite lines.  Here are the results:

**First Place**

Deodorant
WARNING:  This product is not intended to take the place of bathing.
     Cindy Tebo, Catawissa, MO

**Second Place**

Topless nightclub
WARNING:  Objects may appear larger than their natural size.
     Nancy Lininger, Camarillo, CA

**Third Place**

Jigsaw puzzles
WARNING:  Some assembly required.
     Caroline Lobo, Pittsburgh, PA

Honorable Mention (in random order)

Greatest Hits Karaoke Machine
WARNING:  The music is great, your singing may not be.
 
50% reduced fat and calories chocolate cake
WARNING:  Does not give you permission to eat double the serving size.
 
Australian Airport
WARNING:  Once you’re down under you may never get back up.

Single Men
WARNING:  Single male Party Animal may turn back into Couch Potato when wed.
 
Grandchildren
WARNING:  At 13 may turn into ‘people’ and not need your hugs anymore.
 
Babies
WARNING:  May leak without warning.
 
Casino entrance
WARNING:  Gambling can be hazardous to your wealth.

Delivery room
WARNING:  Innocent babies can grow into intolerable teens.

Prescription Drugs
WARNING:  You may get healthy and have nothing to complain about.

Bottle Sleeping Pills
WARNING:  Once you get the protective wrap and childproof cap off, you will be so tired that you will fall right to sleep.

IRS agent business card
WARNING:  I’m not really your friend.

Clock
WARNING:  There are only 24 hours in the day – plan accordingly.

Voting Ballot
WARNING:  Anyone who would run for public office is not really that smart.

Employee
WARNING:  May not always work.

Diving Board
WARNING:  Failure to jump after five minutes may result in your being pushed off by the next person in line.
 
Cat
WARNING:  Any attempt to dress this animal in doll clothes could result in multiple claw marks.
 
Snow
WARNING:  Since our weather forecaster cannot predict school closings, it is highly recommended that you do your homework.

Dressing room mirrors
WARNING: Objects in mirror may be less attractive than they appear.

Combs
WARNING:  Use of this device to produce the item known as a “comb-over” is a crime and will be punished to the fullest extent allowed by law

Electronic devices
WARNING:  If you are above the age of 5, you may be unable to program this device.

Exercise equipment
WARNING:  Purchase of this product does not guarantee improved fitness.  Item must actually be used for full effect.

Dream-Come-True-Pillow
WARNING:  Only works when you’re asleep.
 
Computer
WARNING:  Will let you make more mistakes, faster than ever before.

Movie
WARNING:  To enjoy this movie, lower your expectations.

Underwear
WARNING:  Change daily.

Television
WARNING: We are not responsible if your brains stop working after seeing this.

Bottled Water
WARNING: May be Wet.

Diet Coke and Mentos
WARNING: Consuming together may cause you to “interrupt” others.

Photo in Singles Ad
WARNING: Objects may appear better than they look.
 
Singles Ad
WARNING: Website not responsible for apparent typo in weight category.
 
Teddy Bear
WARNING: Is cuddly but guaranteed to not return hugs.
 
WARNING: Computer
May not save the time you expect or deserve — live with it!

Sense of Humor
WARNING: Only recognized by similar species.

Gym
WARNING: Exercise may go to waist.

Cat
WARNING: May be more affectionate than your spouse.

Sandals
WARNING: Use of this product with socks voids all guarantees of attractiveness.

Three-and-a-half inch Plasma TV
WARNING: Watching too close may cause minor dizziness.