Psychic Professions — Humor Writing — Improving Your Humorous Speaking

Our contests are all about sharpening your humor, your creativity, your thinking and your public speaking ability. 

Remember that when you enter the contest, the main goal is having fun and learning to see the humorous relationships and connections.  This will make you a better speaker and it will also make your daily life more enjoyable.

The Psychic Professions Contest.  Here are the winners.  As usual, our panel of eight judges liked many of the entries.  Each judge is tasked to pick his or her top five favorites and rank them.  Six of the entries were picked by individual judges as their favorite line.  When we add up the ballots, here are the results:

First Place
If psychics were psychic…they would know I don’t believe in psychics.
David Weiss, Mohrsville, Pennsylvania

Second Place
If pastors were psychic: “Some of you in the congregation today may be guilty of adultery…wait a minute…okay, it’s Bill and Susan and Sam and Julie.”
Tim Bete, Dayton, Ohio

Third Place
If astronomers were psychic…they would have known all along that Pluto was just a big ice ball.
Cindy Tebo, Catawissa, Missouri

Honorable Mention (in random order)

If Santas were psychic…they wouldn’t ask you what you want for Christmas.

If I were psychic…my second wife would have been my only wife.

If my Mom was psychic…she wouldn’t ask, “Why haven’t you called me?”

If my cat was psychic…she would know just when to rub up against me to make me feel good.  You know what?  She must be psychic!

If parents were psychic…they never would let teenage kids out of the house.

If store clerks were psychic…they would not ask if they could help me.

If my doctor was psychic…I wouldn’t have to get naked for my annual exam.

If weathermen were psychic…I wouldn’t need to be psychic to figure out what to wear.

If politicians were psychic…only the winner would run.

If political commentators were psychic…the first line of their broadcast: “I know that half of the country will hate me for what I say, but I will say it anyway.”

Are psychic pastors called prophets?

If a male football fan were psychic…when his wife walked in, he’d already have switched the channel to figure skating.
 
If doctors were psychic…they’d lose their house in Miami from running fewer tests.

If dogs were psychic…oh wait…they are!

If priests were psychic…there’d be no need for confession.

If pastors were psychic…they’d see through that compliment of “good sermon, Pastor.”
 
If Hillary were psychic…Bill would have needed surgery a lot sooner.
 
If voters were psychic…George W. Bush would not be in the White House.
 
If lifeguards were psychic…they could save drowning people before they got wet.
 
If monsters were psychic…they wouldn’t hide under the bed with your dirty socks.
 
If gamblers were psychic…they’d never enter the casino.
 
First, I have to say that I knew the theme of your contest before you published it.

If drive-up-window workers at MacDonald’s were psychic: “You don’t want fries with that.”

If a married couple was psychic…there would be no need to shout.
 
If teachers were psychic…they would say, “Here are your grades for tomorrow’s test.”
 
Funeral director:  “I really think you should consider buying a second plot today.”

If Toastmasters were psychic…impromptu speaking would be a lot less fun.

If my tea-cup reader was psychic…we could yarn over coffee.