Creative Humor Writing — Pet Peeve Limericks

Here are the winners of our Pet Peeve Limerick Contest.  We had 240 entries which were judged by our panel of five judges (speakers and improv players). 

 Be sure to look at the honorable mention entries.  You’ll find lots of great limericks.  You’ll probably find your pet peeve in the list.

 Enjoy!

FIRST PLACE

“Less crimes” could be so undemanding.
The prisons we could be disbanding.
Have the crooks in one cage
Fight with all of their rage
And relock-up the one that’s left standing!!

S Frank Stringham, Las Vegas, Nevada
Note:  He titled each of his limericks.  A great idea.
The title of this limerick was:   Jailhouse Rocket Science

SECOND PLACE

“One bite won’t kill you,” they chant
As more food on your full plate they plant
Only good they intend
I don’t mean to offend
But my butt’s busting out of my pants!

Karishma, Lynchburg, Virginia

THIRD PLACE

My good advise is always free
Why won’t my husband listen to me.
He refuses to understand
He could be a better man
But listening to me is the key.

Nancy Lininger, Camarillo, California
Note:  You may recognize Nancy’s name.  She has placed in our top three more often than anyone else.  Congratulations!

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

Our meetings have a stunning hail
when Jack sets to clipping his nail.
One lands square in my eye
as I painfully cry,
“Let’s vote on putting Jack in jail.”

They want to drive oh so fast
So they ride up right on my @$$
One day I’ll snap
And my brakes I will tap
And laugh as I watch them eat glass.

They preempted my favorite show Cops.
I don’t care about home runs or jump shots.
I don’t care about sports
or men in those shorts
I’d rather see criminals get shot.

Device, device, why don’t you work,
much against the words of the clerk.
This isn’t funny,
I paid big money.
Now come on and function, you jerk.

The escalator’s slow, but I’m fast
If you block it then I can’t get past
The way is not wide
So stand to the side
Then I can get by you at last.

I hate people cutting in line.
I’m sure that there should be a fine.
A jumbo-size fee,
Or hung up from a tree…
Wait…up there’s a good friend of mine!

These drivers are making me hiss
This road is a pothole abyss
I’d take on the horde
Of the trafficking board
But I know what they’d want me to kiss.

Twenty bucks for organic produce
Tomatoes alone cost me a deuce
For that cash, the hag
Should be taught how to bag!
Once home, my tomatoes are just juice.

It’s a predatory hair raiser
And I’m froze, like a blast from a taser
I’ve bought cookies and candles
Beef sticks and pot handles
Egads!  Not another school fundraiser!

I talk to them, and sing, and hum
Pronounced is my very green thumb
But they die anyway
Who’s to blame?  Who can say?
Maybe me, cuz I water them none.

Such sweet anticipation fills the air
Affectionately she caresses my hair
The moment’s right
For love tonight.
Except our damn kids are there!

Sometime’s I’m a bit of a bunny
Picked for jobs that aren’t funny
But I get by
Because I try
And my family need the money.
 
I believe it’s far from clever
Questions answered with “Whatever”
Conceit underpinning
While Smugly grinning
It’s their throats I’d like to sever.
 
Every competition entered with aggression
Developing new humor at every session
A win or three
Disallows me
And now I’m suffering with depression

The wife’s nagging, I’ll take no more
I should oust her and slam the door
But she’s so tough!
I’m not strong stuff
And her wonderful cooking I adore

They come uninvited to my door
Flashing smiles with false rapport
Raving their teachings
Of various preachings
But it’s their self-righteousness, I abhor.

Cover your mouth when you have to sneeze
I don’t want a face full of your breeze
In the interests of good health
Keep your germs to yourself
And don’t go spreading your stinking disease

With myself, I need to be straight
It peeves me that I’ve put on weight
To my own shame
I’m only to blame
Because I’ve eaten plate after plate.

Some people must do it from youth
Spreading stories completely uncouth
I hate their deceiving
Of  tales unbelieving
Why can’t people just tell the truth?

I hated an old teacher named Allen
Who was always a terrible smellin’
A whiff of his breath
Was a fate worse than death
And ripped at your lungs like a talon.

The thing that peeves me, I suppose
Is someone with a finger up their nose
Just for a chuckle
It’s in past the knuckle
And it’s worse when they use all their toes.

I’m sure that you can understand
I hate when things don’t go to plan
Nothing goes right
While tempers ignite
And you wish you’d never began

From the time my children were small
I was always at their beck and call
Now grown and gone
With lives of their own
Who am I, they never recall

Every night, I sit here alone
Just staring at an old phone
Why don’t they ring
And make my heart sing
But my kids have lives of their own.

I married a wonderful lady from Siberia
A life together is our only Criteria
But many cried
“Mail Order Bride”
And presented all kinds of silly hysteria.

What’s the matter you may ask?
Well I really hate being taken to task
With comments curt
My feeling are hurt
And in some praise I’d rather bask.

She always nagging I should listen
Then gets mad, her eye’s a-glisten
But words lose the race
When I look upon her face
And all I think about is some kiss-en 

I’m just an average bloke
But my problem is no joke
I’ve been outcast
And over passed
All because I like a smoke.

Twin girls in the family is quite nice
Always giving them lots of advice
Until I did learn
Their only concern
Is there’s never enough shoes to suffice.

I’ve got a grievance is with the IRS
They take more while I get less
Leaving me unable
To put food on the table.
Our tax system does not impress.

One thing that’s a big disgrace
What some girls put on their face 
Black, blue or even reds
Worn by some airheads
They are not worth the chase.

It’s only a game my son
Now go and have some fun
become part of a team
never mind daddy’s scream
And show me how fast you can run.

One thing that really does irk
And I cannot seem to shirk
Are those who call me ‘Cin’
I grin with chagrin
And consider the person a jerk!
(submitted by Cindy)
 
But if a job I forego
What I’d become I don’t know
Life wouldn’t be funny
Without any money
So back to the grind I must go.

We argue low-fat and low-carb
We love to hurl insults and barbs
It’s Joe Public who’ll lose
As he looks on confused
And gulps down more fries and Mars bars.

On the label it says “sugar-free”
But what’s that on the back I see?
Oh, it’s maltitol
The sugar alcohol
That on the loo all day keeps me!

Doctors, they all are so grand
But they’re bad about washing their hands
When you’re really sick
You want to get fixed
Not end up worse than you began!

When you’re sick and feel it’s getting worse
You want to scream, fume and curse
But try to understand
She’s doing all that she can
So don’t take it out on your nurse.

They say “Oh, I could care less,
That it’s wrong to say ‘irregardless.’
Oh, be a good sport,
Grammar’s not my forte,
And my spelling’s a definate mess!”

The cat won’t come when I call.
She’d rather run and play ball.
This is my pet peeve,
She turns to leave.
But plops on top when asleep I fall.

I hear the sound of alarm,
5 more minutes won’t do any harm.
2 hours later I arrive,
wet because of the drive.
Inside the building it’s nice and warm.

Lots of homework every day,
it’s annoying and gets in the way.
So postpone it I do,
Until the day is through.
Is the teacher happy? Nay.

Tourists, tourists, everywhere,
they just stand and numbly stare.
Everywhere on the road,
tourists by the load.
And they just don’t seem to care.

I always seem to be broke,
me and money is already a joke.
But money is necessary,
of that I seem unwary.
Much to annoyance of my folk.

On the escalator stepped we,
A guy ahead of us we could see,
sneezed a big cloud
which hung like a shroud,
So down the up steps we did flee.

She rode the escalator one night,
Her cart with wheels tipped right,
It was a short trip
As she did a back flip,
But the show was really a sight.

Music, today, makes me squawk
My head hurts so much, I can’t walk
Someone spoke in a rhyme,
Added drums and a chime
And now they’re revered much like Bach?

“Why rent?” says the Real Estate twit,
“When you could own this money pit?”
Then he drives to the pad
That he rents from his dad
Knowing he is a big hypocrite.

“They’re safer,” they say, so they drive one.
“Global warming’s a myth, so go buy one!”
Revenge at the pump,
Go ahead, fill ‘er up!
Suburbans and Hummers, who wants one?

“You are what you eat,” goes the adage.
How we talk is the food for our own age.
c u 2nite?
k, thx, a’ight!
We’re starving from modern day language.