The Best of Our Humor Contests — Creative Humor Writing

Here are the highlights of the past year of Humor Writing Contests with links to the full results.

The Humor Power 3X5 Card of Fame — Contest Winners
Les Harden (three time winner)
Kris Huffman
Nancy Lininger
Susan Parsons-keir
Karen Porter
Sharon Rhoton
S Frank Stringham
Cindy Tebo
Terry Wall
David Weiss

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A School of Fish

A giggle of girls.

A smorgasbord of dieters.

A grewp of illiterates.

A pork of politicians.

For more School of Fish lines.

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Blank Book Titles

The greatest story never told

The Ten Best Things To Say To Someone When You Are Angry

A Politician’s Guide To World Peace

Best Short Stories Written In Invisible Ink

More Blank Book Titles.

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The Toaster Contest

If financial planners made toasters, the bread would pop up and down but turn out just fine in 5 – 10 years.

If Social Security made toasters, we’d worry if there would be enough people to put bread in when we want toast out.

If telemarketers made toasters, they would ONLY work in the middle of your dinner.

If a religious figure made toasters, they would be made for prophet.

For more Toaster Contest lines.

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Mergers

Disneyland is merging with China.  Disney’s most famous character will be Mousie Tongue.

Disneyland is merging with the organ donor bank.  The new name is DisneyGland.

The IRS is merging with Case Knives to create tax cuts.

The IRS is merging with the US Army and expects all citizens to “pay all that you can pay”.

For more Mergers.

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Life Lessons

Life has taught me….
No matter how sexy your spouse is, at some point you’re going to have to talk with each other.

Life has taught me….
When you are in a bad mood, everyone else is a terrible driver.

Life has taught me….
It is difficult to be funny when you have a lack of humor, especially in your audience.

Life has taught me….
Don’t cook anything that doesn’t match your kitchen floor.

For more Life Lessons.

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The Unlucky Person

With my luck…I’d buy honey-scented perfume and break out in hives.

With my luck…the cure for narcolepsy wouldn’t be available in non-drowsy.

With my luck…if God ever showed up on earth, I’d have jury duty that day.

With my luck…if I wore a bullet-proof vest, nobody would shoot me.

For more Unlucky Person lines.

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April Fools Contest

I pranked my sons by setting up “Betty” in the living room before they awoke.  I stuffed a pair of my jeans with towels

and a pair of my socks with washcloths.  I put the socks in the legs of the jeans and put sneakers on “Betty’s” feet.  I took Betty and sat her in my living room recliner.  I reclined the chair and propped her feet up on the foot rest.  I then took the newspaper and taped it to poster board so it would be stiff and stood it up on Betty’s lap.  When my sons woke up I told them my friend had a fight with her boyfriend and had stopped by very late and fallen asleep in the chair.  The worst part of this prank was trying not to laugh.  I had to keep running in the kitchen to hide my smiles as they tip-toed through the house and ate breakfast at the dining room table, whispering to each other so they wouldn’t disturb Betty.

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In The Future

In the future…we’ll know if we were ripped off by fortune-tellers.

In the future…the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals will rule that two wrongs actually DO make a right.

In the future…the world will be war-free, injustice-free, human-free.

In the furture…every hotel room in Las Vegas will feature its own Cirque Du Soleil performer.

For more In The Future lines.

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The Gender Contest

Potatoes are masculine.  All eyes.  No ears.

Boomerang is feminine because like an old girlfriend it keeps coming back.

Tennis is feminine (Love – 30).  Football is masculine (sudden death).

Night Stand is both masculine and feminine.  Because it takes both genders to make one night stand.

For more lines from The Gender Contest.

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The Love Contest

I love that I have the best boss in the world…I should have started my own business years earlier.

I love that know-it-alls don’t.

I love that Mr. Rogers didn’t give a damn if I liked his cardigan.

I love…that the other people in the gym don’t watch me while I’m exercising, because they’re too busy watching themselves in the mirror.

For more lines from The Love Contest.

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Warning Labels

Deodorant
WARNING:  This product is not intended to take the place of bathing.

Topless nightclub
WARNING:  Objects may appear larger than their natural size.

Jigsaw puzzles
WARNING:  Some assembly required.

Military bomb
WARNING:  Use of this device does not guarantee peace.

For more Warning Labels.

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Psychic Professions

If psychics were psychic…they would know I don’t believe in psychics.

If pastors were psychic: “Some of you in the congregation today may be guilty of adultery…wait a minute…okay, it’s Bill and Susan and Sam and Julie.”

If astronomers were psychic…they would have known all along that Pluto was just a big ice ball.

If You were psychic…(well, you already know the punchline)

For more Psychic Professions.

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Pet Peeve Limericks

“Less crimes” could be so undemanding.
The prisons we could be disbanding.
Have the crooks in one cage
Fight with all of their rage
And relock-up the one that’s left standing!!

“One bite won’t kill you,” they chant
As more food on your full plate they plant
Only good they intend
I don’t mean to offend
But my butt’s busting out of my pants!

My good advise is always free
Why won’t my husband listen to me.
He refuses to understand
He could be a better man
But listening to me is the key.

They drive with a phone to the ear
It’s safe as drinking a beer.
Headset they have not
So it would be hot
If a cop with a ticket were near.

For more Pet Peeve Limericks.

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Ice Cream and Wine

ICE CREAM

Election Dazs  — Contains an unusual variety of fruits and nuts.  Consume it quickly before you start to wonder why you bought it.  The recipe is changed every four to eight years.  This product will be advertised by recorded phone messages during your dinner.

Buffalo Chip Surprise — The size and shape of these gourmet chips are sure to excite.  The surprise is that they LOOK just like chocolate.  Not sold in pints because the chips are larger than the containers.

Scream de Mint — Will literally take your breath away.  Part of the profits will be used to plant a tree in your memory.

WINES

Whipple — An affordable wine made from grapes squeezed by curious shoppers.  Charmin’s favorite.

The Grapes of Bath — A sister of bathtub gin.  A fine wine, slightly cloudy but clean, bubbly, with a hint of salt.

Wine Fooler — Tastes like wine, but surprise!  No grapes, no alcohol.  Chemistry for better living.

Ice Cream and Wine is the theme of our November 2006 writing contest.  Put on your humor hat and enter the competition by November 15, 2006.