Creative Writing — Humor Skills

Here are the results from The Arrival Contest.  It was our humor-skills writing challenge for March.  Enjoy!

FIRST PLACE

   You know you’ve arrived when Bill Gates has you picked up and brought to his private estate for dinner.

   You know you haven’t arrived when Bill Gates has you picked up in front of his private estate for loitering.

     Jim Spero, Las Vegas, Nevada

SECOND PLACE

   You know you’ve arrived when the Super Bowl is scheduled so it won’t conflict with your birthday.

   You know you haven’t arrived when your wife misses your birthday because she’s at a Super Bowl party.

     Rob Favero, Lakewood, Colorado

THIRD PLACE

   You know you’ve arrived when your home town re-names the trailer park you grew up in in your honor.

   You know you haven’t arrived when your television debut is a COPS special on location in Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan.

     Patty Kuttai, Victoria, BC, Canada

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

You know you’ve arrived when your picture is on the front of Time magazine.
 
You know you haven’t arrived when your picture replaces Nick Nolte’s mug shot on the front of the National Inquirer.

You know you have not arrived when you placed first in the humor contest over Internet, but there weren’t any awards this month

You know you’ve arrived when the President writes you a letter in his own handwriting.

You know you haven’t arrived when the President writes you a letter that starts “Dear Fellow Republican” — and you’re a Democrat.

You know you’ve arrived when the governor of your state begs you not to run against her in the next election.

You know you haven’t arrived when the governor of your state begs you to run against her in the next election.

You know you’ve arrived when the newspapers want to interview you about your winning lotto ticket.

You know you haven’t arrived when the newspapers want to know how you feel about the error with your lotto ticket.

You know you’ve arrived when everyone knows you as one of President Bush’s advisors.

You know you haven’t arrived when everyone knows you as Vice President Cheney’s former aid.

You know you haven’t arrived when your gratitude rock says “I quit!”

You know when you have arrived when you are asked by a District court judge to speak to 500 of his most esteemed colleagues at the annual Masonic Lodge Ball.

You know you have not arrived when you have a court order  stating that you cannot come within 500 feet of the local Masonic lodge.

You know you’ve arrived when everyone else waits for your arrival.

You know you haven’t arrived when you haven’t even been invited.

You know you’ve arrived when the maitre d’ at Le Cirque escorts you to your favorite table.

You know you haven’t arrived when you aren’t even asked if you’d like to biggie size your combo meal.
 
You know you’ve arrived when the National Inquirer prints pictures of your cellulite.

You know you haven’t arrived when you see only your torso on an obesity news piece.
 
You know you’ve arrived when the paparazzi is following your every move.

You know you haven’t arrived when no one films your interaction with the LAPD.
 
You know you haven’t arrived when your trail judge is Judge Judy.

You know you haven’t arrived when it’s your face pictured on the milk carton.

You know you haven’t arrived when you’re drawing straws for the last parachute.

You know you’ve arrived when you receive a pat on the back, but not when it’s a kick aimed a little lower. 

You know you’ve arrived when Madam Tussaud’s displays your wax sculpture.

You know you haven’t arrived when “Most Wanted” displays your picture. 

You know you’ve arrived when your in-laws are royalty.

You know you haven’t arrived when your in-laws are rednecks.

You know you’ve arrived when the Red Carpet is rolled out to meet you, unless the colour is from bloodstains.

You know you’ve arrived when the Godfather kisses your ring but you definitely haven’t arrived if you have to kiss your boss’s ring.

You know you haven’t arrived when the neighbourhood dogs wear better jewelry than you.

You know you haven’t arrived when the Modeling Agency only books you for the before shots.

You know you haven’t arrived when you can hear everything your next-door neighbours do and their life sounds much more exciting.

You know you haven’t arrived when your newly divorced ex doesn’t want anything you have.

You know you haven’t arrived when you can’t do anything until payday…in April…2015. 

You know you haven’t arrived when you retire and your partner suddenly joins the workforce.

 You know you’ve arrived when your teenage kids would rather be with you, even if it means they have to do their chores.

You know you’ve arrived when your greatest praise comes from your worse critic.

You know you haven’t arrived when the best investment you’ve made was Enron stock.

You know you haven’t arrived if you dating habits are featured on “Cheaters.”