Joke Contest Results — The Big House

It’s time for the results of the Big House joke writing contest inspired by Steve and Erin Pavlina.

Our Cartoon Caption Contests are announced on the first of the month.

Our Joke Contests are announced mid-month.

Here are the top lines from this month’s contest, selected by a panel of four judges.

** FIRST PLACE **

A condition of my house arrest is that I can’t leave the state, which of course makes it very difficult to go to the bathroom.
     J.D. Haack, Tulsa, Oklahoma, USA

** SECOND PLACE **

My house is so big, I wake up every morning to my wife’s fifth echo.
     Ken VanDrese, Escanaba, Michigan, USA

** THIRD PLACE (tie) **

My house is so big that we have You Are Here signs every 10 yards.
     Arun Ramkumar, Chennai, India

My house is so big, there are two toll booths in the east hall.
     Michael Cortes, Erie, Pennsylvania, USA

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

  – My house is so big, it has it’s own gravitational field.
  – My house is so big, it replaced Pluto as the ninth planet.
  – My house is so big, it’s not the Holiday Inn, it’s the Rest of the Year Inn.
  – My house is so big, a walk through it will take you through two time zones and three climates.
  – My house is so Big, Tom Hanks wanted to be in it.
  – My house is so big, in my den are 6 miles of Route 66.
  – Rain had threatened to ruin The National Drag Racing Finals so they ran it indoors in my house.
  – My house is so big, that bankrupt airlines are storing their unused 747s in my hall closet.
   – My house is so big that, when I went bankrupt, it wouldn’t fit into “for”closure.  They had to do a “five”closure.
  –  My house is so big, the backyard is just beyond the horizon.
  – What do you mean you can’t install a cell tower in our kitchen?
  – My house is so big, you need Google maps to get around it.
  – My house is so big, that we have different time zones in the west wing and the east wing.
  – My house is so big, that we have our personal border security force
  – My house is so big, you can see it from the moon.
  – My house is so big my carpet is shampooed with a crop duster
  – My house is so big my wife thinks she’s a Queen and doesn’t have to make me dinner.
  – Other families have a swing set in their backyard, my kids have a Six Flags.
  – My house is so big an asteroid could destroy 99% of it and my world record house of cards would still stand in the closet.
  – The Loch Ness monster has reportedly been sighted in my jacuzzi.
  – If all the toilets in my house were flushed at once everyone showering in New York City would be burn their naked behind.
  – If the Chinese dig past the waterline in China they might hit my septic tank.
  – I like to race monster trucks with my friends in my bedroom and my wife doesn’t seem to care since she sleeps right through it.
  – My house is so big my wife bulldozes the rooms that get a little dusty.
  – My house is so big that I have a different bedroom for each day of the week.
  – On the bright side, our house is in five different school districts.
  – My house is so big, I have to use my GPS to find my way to the master bedroom each night.
  – My house is so big, a life guard is always on duty whenever a guest takes a bath.
  – My house is so big, all the maids get travel expenses, inside the house.