It’s time for the results of the Unlikely New Year’s Resolutions Contest.
We announce a new joke contest Mid-Month.
And our new Cartoon Caption Contest is announced on the first of the month.
Here are the top entries from this month’s contest:
** FIRST PLACE **
Marcel Marceau: Join Toastmasters International.
Gary Bachman, Hagerstown, Maryland, USA
**SECOND PLACE **
Charles Darwin: Jog more, play more tennis, join a Gym…whatever it takes to get myself really fit.
Sol Morrison, Santa Barbara, California, USA
** THIRD PLACE **
Majority of the population: Vow to love the job they are lucky to have.
Jim Spero, Las Vegas, Nevada, USA
HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)
– President Obama. More “Me” time in the new year.
– Stevie Wonder: Obtain his driver’s license.
– Dick Cheney: Teach a course on gun safety.
– Pope Benedict: Join an online dating service.
– Pope Benedict: Enter my egg-dish recipe in a contest.
– Energizer Bunny: Keep going and going and going on Duracell batteries.
– Count Dracula: Get more sun.
– Hugh Hefner: Take a vow of chastity.
– Narcissus: Volunteer to help others.
– Adam and Eve: Spend more time with friends.
– Warren Buffett: Win the lottery.
– King Kong: Remember that blondes are NOT more FUN.
– George Bush: Get a job. Consider automotive industry.
– Samson: Strengthen my relationship with an awesome Buzz Cut.
– Mickey Mouse: Ask the head of Disney Studios for two more fingers.
– Barack Obama: Change my name to Barack Osama
– Oprah Winfrey combines her NY Resolution with her April fools trick: Promote books that really suck.
– CEO’s: Resolve to cut our pay in half for the good of society.
– Satan: Spend more time on Earth. (But by the end of January He gets mugged and bails below.)
– Congress votes to move April fool’s day to Jan 3rd to give people an easier way to explain there lack of will power.
– John McCain: Not to giggle everyday in the senate when he is so glad that he did not win and get blamed for the country’s problems.
– Paul McCartney: To have an iron-clad pre-nup written.
– Santa Claus: Relax knowing that next year’s haul will be half of this year’s due to economic conditions.
– John McCain: Say “the fundamentals of the economy are sound” more often in conversations.
– CEO of Lehman Brothers: Apologize to the shareholders and to the public.
– Osama: To give myself up.
– Mick Jagger: I should just be satisfied.
– Bill Gates: Ask Steve Jobs how to build software without bugs.
– Lone Ranger: Ask Tonto what ‘keemosabee’ means, and this time, don’t laugh.
– Captain Kirk: Ask Spock what his first name is, and this time, write it down.
– Ronald McDonald: Try to cheer up a little.
– Bozo the Clown: Don’t be such a bozo.
– Alfred E. Newman: It’s okay for me to worry a little.
– Osama bin Laden: Develop a kinder, gentler form of terrorism, and buy some air freshener for the cave.
– Barack Obama: Encourage Americans to grow and put up fruits and vegetables: “Yes, we CAN!”
– Barack Obama: Turn Guantanamo into a spa for rich Republicans.
– Al Gore: Use the internet to stop global warming.
– Oprah Winfrey: To finally release my exercise video.
– Rod Blagojevich: Move into a big house with lots of rooms and secure locks on all the doors.
– Caroline Kennedy: Run for Mayor of Poughkeepsie.
– John McCain: Run for president in 2012.
– Bernie Madoff: Find investors for a new fund.
– Noah: Put the porcupines and the skunks at opposite ends of the Ark.