Creative Humor Writing — Joke Contest Results

It’s time for the results of the Unlikely New Year’s Resolutions Contest.

We announce a new joke contest Mid-Month.

And our new Cartoon Caption Contest is announced on the first of the month.

Here are the top entries from this month’s contest:


Marcel Marceau:  Join Toastmasters International.
     Gary Bachman, Hagerstown, Maryland, USA


Charles Darwin:  Jog more, play more tennis, join a Gym…whatever it takes to get myself really fit.
     Sol Morrison, Santa Barbara, California, USA


Majority of the population:  Vow to love the job they are lucky to have.
     Jim Spero, Las Vegas, Nevada, USA
HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

  – President Obama.   More “Me” time in the new year.
  – Stevie Wonder:  Obtain his driver’s license.
  – Dick Cheney:  Teach a course on gun safety.
  – Pope Benedict:  Join an online dating service.
  – Pope Benedict:  Enter my egg-dish recipe in a contest.
  – Energizer Bunny:  Keep going and going and going on Duracell batteries.
  – Count Dracula:  Get more sun.
  – Hugh Hefner:  Take a vow of chastity.
  – Narcissus:  Volunteer to help others.
  – Adam and Eve:  Spend more time with friends.
  – Warren Buffett:  Win the lottery.
  – King Kong:  Remember that blondes are NOT more FUN.
  – George Bush:  Get a job. Consider automotive industry.
  – Samson:  Strengthen my relationship with an awesome Buzz Cut. 
  – Mickey Mouse:  Ask the head of Disney Studios for two more fingers.
  – Barack Obama:  Change my name to Barack Osama
  – Oprah Winfrey combines her NY Resolution with her April fools trick:  Promote books that really suck.
  – CEO’s:  Resolve to cut our pay in half for the good of society.
  – Satan:  Spend more time on Earth. (But by the end of January He gets mugged and bails below.)
  – Congress votes to move April fool’s day to Jan 3rd to give people an easier way to explain there lack of will power.
  – John McCain: Not to giggle everyday in the senate when he is so glad that he did not win and get blamed for the country’s problems.
  – Paul McCartney: To have an iron-clad pre-nup written.
  – Santa Claus:  Relax knowing that next year’s haul will be half of this year’s due to economic conditions.
  – John McCain:  Say “the fundamentals of the economy are sound” more often in conversations.
  – CEO of Lehman Brothers:  Apologize to the shareholders and to the public.
  – Osama:  To give myself up.
  – Mick Jagger: I should just be satisfied.
  – Bill Gates:  Ask Steve Jobs how to build software without bugs.
  – Lone Ranger: Ask Tonto what ‘keemosabee’ means, and this time, don’t laugh.
  – Captain Kirk:  Ask Spock what his first name is, and this time, write it down.
  – Ronald McDonald:  Try to cheer up a little.
  – Bozo the Clown:  Don’t be such a bozo.
  – Alfred E. Newman:  It’s okay for me to worry a little.
  – Osama bin Laden:  Develop a kinder, gentler form of terrorism, and buy some air freshener for the cave.
  – Barack Obama:  Encourage Americans to grow and put up fruits and vegetables:  “Yes, we CAN!”
  – Barack Obama:  Turn Guantanamo into a spa for rich Republicans.
  – Al Gore:  Use the internet to stop global warming.
  – Oprah Winfrey:  To finally release my exercise video.
  – Rod Blagojevich:  Move into a big house with lots of rooms and secure locks on all the doors.
  – Caroline Kennedy:  Run for Mayor of Poughkeepsie.
  – John McCain:  Run for president in 2012.
  – Bernie Madoff:  Find investors for a new fund.
  – Noah:  Put the porcupines and the skunks at opposite ends of the Ark.