It’s time for the results of The Car Business joke writing contest.
New Joke Contests are announced mid-month. Look for the next one on June 15.
And new Cartoon Caption Contests are announced on the first of the month.
Here are this month’s top lines.
** FIRST PLACE **
If women made cars, men would never know if the car was really turned on, or if it was faking it.
Donna Kopf, Virginia Beach, Virginia, USA
** SECOND PLACE **
If the federal government made cars, they would come with a parachute in case of a bailout.
Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinois, USA
** THIRD PLACE **
If Toastmasters made cars, the DTM model would never stop at red lights.
Rich Hopkins, Spokane, Washington, USA
HONORABLE MENTION (In random order)
– If American Airlines made cars, they’d charge extra for the baggage compartment.
– If the credit card industry made cars, they’d run on hidden charges.
– If the House of Representatives made cars, they’d run on hot air.
– If Westinghouse made cars, they would be Wewwy wewwy comfortable because they would be made especially for Westing aftew a Wong day.
– If Amana made cars, they would always be in Radar Range.
– If Sony made cars, they would be instantly obsolete.
– If AARP made cars, the Turn Signal would always be on.
– If Fox news channel made cars, they would only turn to the Right.
– If Playboy made cars, the headlights and Trunk would look magnificent.
– If Universal Studios Made cars, they would all cost a fortune and about one out of four would be a great ride.
– If Hershey made cars, you would want the model with nuts so that it will not fall apart.
– If Tostitos made cars, they would be outstanding in dips.
– If Nestle Quick made cars, you would constantly get speeding tickets because you can’t drive it slow if it’s Quick.
– If Congress made cars, they would take years to build, be way overpriced and no matter what you bought you would buy something different every 2 years. And the new one would be worse than the old one.
– If Armour Meat company made cars, who would love them? Fat dudes, Skinny Dudes, Dudes who climb on Rocks. Tough Dudes, Sissy Dudes even Dudes with Chicken Pox.
– If Commonwealth Edison made cars, they would include a 300 mile long extention cord in the trunk.
– IF AARP made cars, they would have to be re-tired more often.
– If K-Mart made cars, they would be on sale in aisle nine for the next 15 minutes only.
– If McDonalds made cars, you could supersize from a Beetle to a Hummer for just a few thousand dollars more.
– If Microsoft made cars they would be updated every two years, but would still be prone to crashing.
– If slot machine companies made cars, every third vehicle would be a lemon.
– If Caterpillar made cars, they would be indestructible and would travel at 5 mph.
– If Chris-Craft Powerboat Company made cars, the steering wheel would be a solid oak ring with way cool hand carved spokes, and a bell instead of a horn.
– If the Flintstones were making cars, at least we’d all be a lot fitter!
– If I made cars I wouldn’t be sitting here designing bad jokes!
– If the U.S. Government made cars they would still be in committee.
– If Toastmasters made cars, their test drive would be only last 4-6 minutes.
– If Weyerhauser Lumber Company made cars, we’d all be driving Woodies again.
– If bartenders made cars, they’d always be gassed.
– If therapists made cars, they’d go only when they were good and ready to go.
– If dogs made cars, they’d go slow enough to be caught.
– If the government made cars…wait, they do!
– If musicians made cars, they would always be in tune.
– If golfers made cars, they would go putt putt putt.
– If a toy company made cars, batteries would not be included.
– If IKEA made cars, some assembly would be required.
– If dogs made cars, there would be no windscreen.
– If bankers made cars, the mpg could be variable or fixed for 2 years.
– If Stock Exchanges made cars, there would be no more crash tests.
– If tredmill made cars, they would run all the time, but not get very far.
– If IKEA made cars, you could take it apart and put if back together using nothing but an allen wrench.
– If Waldo made cars, it would take you about an hour to find it.
– If NASCAR made cars, they would only turn left.
– If transformers made cars, they’d probably take over the world.
– If T-Mobile made cars, you could only ride with your favorite five friends. But if Verizon made cars, you could ride with anyone you want.
– If Playdough made cars, your toddler would probably eat its car seat.
– If Jiffy Pop made cars, they would run on hot air.
– If Microsoft made cars, they would have computer controlled windows.
– If hamburger joints made cars, they would be patty wagons.
– If newspapers made cars, the paper boy would park them in the bushes.
– If golf club manufacturers made cars, they would come with a driver.
– The NBA, NFL and MLB created a company that makes sports cars.
– If cosmetic companies made cars, they would be compacts.
– If Lego made cars, they would only go around the block.
– If Frisbee made cars, they would all have disc brakes.
– Simon and Garfunkel cars would only cross bridges over troubled waters.
– If senior citizens made cars Oldsmobile would still be in business.
– If Microsoft made cars, the windows would have to be changed frequently.
– If rock musicians made cars, they’d use plenty of heavy metal.
– If cops made cars, they’d eliminate the hoods.
– If TV producers made cars, they’d include plenty of commercial brakes.
– If cars were made by Everyready Batteries, you’d never have to worry about oil prices again.
– If Epson, HP or Cannon made cars, they’d have non-refillable, replaceable
gas tanks and cost thousands of dollars per gallon.
– If American Airlines made cars, they’d have insufficient legroom.
– If Jack Daniels made cars, the ride would be smooth…oh so smooth.
– If Used Car Salesmen made cars, the odometers would zero after every trip.
– It the Medical Profession made cars, you’d buy gas on a prescription.
– If the Movie Moguls made cars, most trips would have a happy ending.
– If Dogs made cars, you’d spin them around three times before parking them for the night.
– If Steven Spielberg made cars, every trip would be a great adventure.
– If Treckkies made cars, they’d go where no car had gone before.
– If Green Peace made cars, they’d be environmentally sound, peaceful and not available to whalers.
– If committees made cars, we’d still be riding stagecoaches.
– If Toastmasters made cars, they’d still be talking about the first one.
– If the computer industry made cars, any idiot could claim to be a mechanic.
– If Pessimists made cars, the tanks would be half empty.
– If Rednecks were the only ones making cars, we’d all drive pickups.
– Look for the Starbuck’s Perk-Mobile: Steam-Powered, Regular and Decaffeinated Models. Look for the Perking Lots outside each store.