Joke Contest Results — The Car Business

It’s time for the results of The Car Business joke writing contest.

New Joke Contests are announced mid-month.  Look for the next one on June 15.

And new Cartoon Caption Contests are announced on the first of the month.

Here are this month’s top lines.


If women made cars, men would never know if the car was really turned on, or if it was faking it.

     Donna Kopf, Virginia Beach, Virginia, USA


If the federal government made cars, they would come with a parachute in case of a bailout.

     Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinois, USA


If Toastmasters made cars, the DTM model would never stop at red lights.
     Rich Hopkins, Spokane, Washington, USA

HONORABLE MENTION (In random order)

  – If American Airlines made cars, they’d charge extra for the baggage compartment.
  – If the credit card industry made cars, they’d run on hidden charges.
  – If the House of Representatives made cars, they’d run on hot air.
  – If Westinghouse made cars, they would be Wewwy wewwy comfortable because they would be made especially for Westing aftew a Wong day.
  – If Amana made cars, they would always be in Radar Range.
  – If Sony made cars, they would be instantly obsolete.
  – If AARP made cars, the Turn Signal would always be on.
  – If Fox news channel made cars, they would only turn to the Right.
  – If Playboy made cars, the headlights and Trunk would look magnificent.
  – If Universal Studios Made cars, they would all cost a fortune and about one out of four would be a great ride.
  – If Hershey made cars, you would want the model with nuts so that it will not fall apart.
  – If Tostitos made cars, they would be outstanding in dips.
  – If Nestle Quick made cars, you would constantly get speeding tickets because you can’t drive it slow if it’s Quick.
  – If Congress made cars, they would take years to build, be way overpriced and no matter what you bought you would buy something different every 2 years. And the new one would be worse than the old one.
  – If  Armour Meat company made cars, who would love them?  Fat dudes, Skinny Dudes, Dudes who climb on Rocks.  Tough Dudes, Sissy Dudes even Dudes with Chicken Pox.
  – If Commonwealth Edison made cars, they would include a 300 mile long extention cord in the trunk.
  – IF AARP made cars, they would have to be re-tired more often.
  – If K-Mart made cars, they would be on sale in aisle nine for the next 15 minutes only.
  – If McDonalds made cars, you could supersize from a Beetle to a Hummer for just a few thousand dollars more.
  – If Microsoft made cars they would be updated every two years, but would still be prone to crashing.
  – If slot machine companies made cars, every third vehicle would be a lemon.
  – If Caterpillar made cars, they would be indestructible and would travel at 5 mph.
  – If Chris-Craft Powerboat Company made cars, the steering wheel would be a solid oak ring with way cool hand carved spokes, and a bell instead of a horn.
  – If the Flintstones were making cars, at least we’d all be a lot fitter!
  – If I made cars I wouldn’t be sitting here designing bad jokes!
  – If the U.S. Government made cars they would still be in committee.
  – If Toastmasters made cars, their test drive would be only last 4-6 minutes.
  – If Weyerhauser Lumber Company made cars, we’d all be driving Woodies again.
  – If bartenders made cars, they’d always be gassed.
  – If therapists made cars, they’d go only when they were good and ready to go.
  – If dogs made cars, they’d go slow enough to be caught.
  – If the government made cars…wait, they do!
  – If musicians made cars, they would always be in tune.
  – If golfers made cars, they would go putt putt putt.
  – If a toy company made cars, batteries would not be included.
  – If IKEA made cars, some assembly would be required. 
  – If dogs made cars, there would be no windscreen.
  – If bankers made cars, the mpg could be variable or fixed for 2 years.
  – If Stock Exchanges made cars, there would be no more crash tests.
  – If tredmill made cars, they would run all the time, but not get very far.
  – If IKEA made cars, you could take it apart and put if back together using nothing but an allen wrench.
  – If Waldo made cars, it would take you about an hour to find it.
  – If NASCAR made cars, they would only turn left.
  – If transformers made cars, they’d probably take over the world.
  – If T-Mobile made cars, you could only ride with your favorite five friends.  But if Verizon made cars, you could ride with anyone you want.
  – If Playdough made cars, your toddler would probably eat its car seat.
  – If Jiffy Pop made cars, they would run on hot air.
  – If Microsoft made cars, they would have computer controlled windows.
  – If hamburger joints made cars, they would be patty wagons.
  – If newspapers made cars, the paper boy would park them in the bushes.
  – If golf club manufacturers made cars, they would come with a driver.
  – The NBA, NFL and MLB created a company that makes sports cars.
  – If cosmetic companies made cars, they would be compacts.
  – If Lego made cars, they would only go around the block.
  – If Frisbee made cars, they would all have disc brakes.
  – Simon and Garfunkel cars would only cross bridges over troubled waters.
  – If senior citizens made cars Oldsmobile would still be in business.
  – If Microsoft made cars, the windows would have to be changed frequently.
  – If rock musicians made cars, they’d use plenty of heavy metal.
  – If cops made cars, they’d eliminate the hoods.
  – If TV producers made cars, they’d include plenty of commercial brakes. 
  – If cars were made by Everyready Batteries, you’d never have to worry about oil prices again.
  – If Epson, HP or Cannon made cars, they’d have non-refillable, replaceable
gas tanks and cost thousands of dollars per gallon.
  – If American Airlines made cars, they’d have insufficient legroom.
  – If Jack Daniels made cars, the ride would be smooth…oh so smooth.
  – If Used Car Salesmen made cars, the odometers would zero after every trip.
  – It the Medical Profession made cars, you’d buy gas on a prescription.
  – If the Movie Moguls made cars, most trips would have a happy ending.
  – If Dogs made cars, you’d spin them around three times before parking them for the night.
  – If Steven Spielberg made cars, every trip would be a great adventure.
  – If Treckkies made cars, they’d go where no car had gone before.
  – If Green Peace made cars, they’d be environmentally sound, peaceful and not available to whalers.
  – If committees made cars, we’d still be riding stagecoaches.
  – If Toastmasters made cars, they’d still be talking about the first one.
  – If the computer industry made cars, any idiot could claim to be a mechanic.
  – If Pessimists made cars, the tanks would be half empty.
  – If Rednecks were the only ones making cars, we’d all drive pickups.
  – Look for the Starbuck’s Perk-Mobile:  Steam-Powered, Regular and Decaffeinated Models.  Look for the Perking Lots outside each store.