Joke Contest Results — Crime and Punishment
Here are the results of this month’s joke contest–Crime and Punishment. Our panel of ten judges picked our top lines.
New Joke Contests are announced on the first of the month (alternating months).
New Cartoon Caption Contests are announced on the first of the month (alternating months). The next caption contest is July 1, 2011.
**FIRST PLACE**
If a person is caught stealing from a library, the judge will throw the book at him.
Tom Nee, Oak Lawn, Illinois
**SECOND PLACE**
An electrician who continually wired short circuits would be grounded.
Gerald Fleischmann, Fountain Valley, California.
**THIRD PLACE**
A person wearing their pants too low would be sentenced to 90 days in a crack house.
Darin Thompson, Smithfield, Utah
HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)
– If you are a mobile phone addict, you are confined to a cell.
– Stockbrokers giving bad advice need the stockade.
– If you can’t do the hokey, you spend time in the pokey.
– A cook who burnt the Thanksgiving turkey would have to eat crow.
– An unconvincing mime would have to serve time in a real box.
– A chef whose souffle fell would have egg on his face.
– A curmudgeonly chiropractor would get an attitude adjustment.
– A lousy chess player would lose his mate.
– A songwriter who never had a hit was forced to decompose.
– A hungry scuba diver would have to sink for his supper.
– Bad record-keepers will defiled.
– Clumsy ballet dancers will be disgraced.
– Small minded thinkers will be belittled.
– Anyone caught stowing away on an airplane would be given a parachute and sent down.
– A person disparaging the talents of a mixologist would serve time behind bars.
– Politicians convicted of misconduct would be sent to the big house.
– People who make fun of professional wrestlers would spend time on The Rock.
– A teen caught wearing his pants so low that his underwear shows would be remanded into the custody of the fashion police.
– A bully who gives others a hard time would serve hard time.
– A person who behaves like a pig would spend time in the pen.
– Those convicted of marijuana possession would serve time in the joint.
– A person caught polluting would be sent up the river.
– Teens who do not clean up their rooms would be put away.
– Anyone who shuts a door too loudly will be thrown into the slammer.
– A football player was accused of using stolen wig for football, and convicted of tress-passing.
– The driver convicted of a u-turn had his conviction reversed by an appeals court.
– A crooked real estate agent spent time in the big house.
– A one-armed bandit in Las Vegas was convicted of taking money from gamblers. It was sentenced to community service of cleaning craps tables until it was 21.
– In one case, the lawbreaker spread grease and dirt where he broke the law. The judge cautioned the jury to make sure the punishment fit the grime.
– A bad vocalist was sentenced to time in Sing Sing.
– A pie thief was sentenced for disturbing the piece. He had previous convictions: He ruined a garden and was convicted of disturbing the peas, and in Georgia, he drove through a farm and was accused of disturbing the peach. He was also known to make his own pies and dropped them off unannounced at friends’ houses. He had a conviction for baking and entering because of this.
– A crooked barge operator was sent up the river.
– When the Mount Rushmore sculptor chipped away too much rock from one of the faces, he faced monumental charges.
– John Kinde’s contest panel was sentenced to judging bad jokes.
The Air Force pilot with a wig was accused of carpet bombing.
– A butcher convicted of stabbing someone was able to present evidence that he did not commit the crime. His sentence was cut.
– A drug addict convicted of stealing narcotic tablets was placed in a pillory.
– An actor who couldn’t remember his dialogue was sentenced to wear a uniform with lines on it.
– An impersonator was sentenced to double time.
– In court, the juvenile delinquent claimed he was just kidding.
– A man opened his flashlight and flung the power cells at a victim. He was convicted of assault with battery.
– A nylon thief was caught. He went to confession and was instructed to pray the hosiery 25 times.
– A college student found guilty of unintentional poisoning with plant material and was sentenced to horticulture class at an Ivy League school.
– A bowler was accused of striking another bowler. He was convicted and sentenced to spare time, to be split between two jails.
June 22nd, 2011 at 9:54 am
In public speaker, I would use this technique backwards, letting the crime fit the punishment. For example, if the punishment is to sit through a one hour public speaking lecture, the crime must be a failure to communicate.
July 1st, 2011 at 1:57 pm
I’d like to suggest your Jury put ALL submissions using the SAME Play-on-words or same “Logic” together — And then select just ONE entry with that IDEA when voting to determine Winners AND Honorable Mentions. Meaning do the Full job; Select that One stand-out from two or more Similar entries.
This winnowing process usually means selecting ONE Entry on the basis of Brevity,” Smoothness of Set-Up” and / or “Surprise of ending.”
Detailed comparisons of Similar entries would also, I believe, make a valuable article in a future Issue. A summary Panel Discussion with
your Judges would be Very instructive — especially to those loyal folks who enter many of your contests. — Sol Morrison
July 2nd, 2011 at 10:48 pm
Last Honorable Mention: What does it mean to be “sentenced to Spare Time?” Entries should have some “logic” — something more
than just a term from activity being substituted for the subject
of that contest. Prisoners serve Time; Bowlers roll Spares. Put them
together and what d’ya’ got? Bibbidy-bobbidy-boo. Sol M –
July 3rd, 2011 at 9:57 am
Some good ideas for future articles! Thanks.