Joke Contest Results

Here are the results of this month’s joke contest–Disease Definitions

New Joke Contests are announced on the first of the month (alternating months).

New Cartoon Caption Contests are announced on the first of the month (alternating months).  The next caption contest is September 1, 2011.

** FIRST PLACE **

Ghost-Partum Depression:  Unexpected loneliness after a priest has performed an Exorcism to rid your home of a long-term poltergeist.

     Sol Morrison, Santa Barbara, California

** SECOND PLACE **

Carpool Tunnel Syndrome:  Fear of driving under water from Manhattan to Jersey City.

     Tom Nee, Oak Lawn, Illinois

** THIRD PLACE **

Irritable Vowel Syndrome (AKA Vanna White Disease):  Inability to separate consonants from vowels when spelling.
 
     Sandy Kampner, Evergreen Park, Illinois

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

  – Deep Deaf Listening, especially between family members and friends, is to look at somebody talking without hearing what is being said.
  – Situational Thespian Unequivocally Positing In Detail:  A tragic condition found among actors who believe that because they’ve studied for a role, they are now fully equipped to talk about world issues, usually regarding Third World dictatorships hostile to the country that allows the actor the freedom to make a living.
  – Secret of Life Disease (SOLD):  A life-long search for an idea that will make them happy all the time.  Finding that secret leads to:  Constantly sharing the secret (CSTSOLD).
  – Texticular Atrophy:  All action stops except for rapid finger motions on keypads.  As with many related diseases, cures can be temporary, and effected by wrenching said keypad out of the hands of the patient and heaving it into the nearest large body of water.
  – Surfing Surfeit:  Inability to keep watching only one channel for more than three seconds. Typically caused by the channels being watched, which normally change camera shots every 1.5 seconds.  Cure: Handcuffs and blindfold usually very effective.
  – Mario’s Disease:  Uncontrolled addiction to video games, first identified by the famous doctor team, the Mario brothers of Mario Clinic fame.  Cure: Power failures produce remissions, but these are generally accompanied by withdrawal symptoms.
  – Tube Eye: Patient reports being stuck to a TV, either in direct contact or at a few feet distance, for many hours daily.  Patient typically doesn’t notice this symptom and is usually reported by a parent or spouse.  Cure: Effected by releasing the TV’s magnetic pull; typically by interrupting the TV signal by turning it off or unplugging it.  Cutting the electrical cord results in longer remissions.
  – Meant-al Deficiency Syndrome: Patient often says, “I meant to do it,” or “I meant to (just about anything else).”  Closely related to procrastination complex.
  – Radio Ear: Patient listens intently all day to talk radio.  Two forms are reported: Radio Ear, Left (Sinister), and Radio Ear, Right (Dexter).  Cure: None.  Relief is temporary and achieved only when travelling beyond the station’s broadcast range, or when surfing, skiing, or diving.
  – I.M.itis:  A reflex action initially caused by receiving an Instant Message.  Patient reflexively sends an I.M. (usually unintelligible) and the disease spreads uncontrollably, sometimes for days.  Cure: Surreptitiously removing the patient’s cell phone battery is the most effective course of action.
  – Carpool Tunnel Vision Syndrome:    Two main symptoms.  1. A compulsion to drive alone, even when gas costs $5/gallon and carpool websites provide ride sharing options galore.  2. Rationalizations as to why one should not go to ride sharing websites.  Two main cures:  1. Car breaks down when you gotta get somewhere.  2. Sudden increase in price of gas to $10.
  – Sudden Debt Syndrome:  Causes you to realize that you owe $1500 more today than you did yesterday.
  – Juvenile hereditary anxiety:  Passed on from teens to parents.  Basically drives mom and dad nuts.
  – Heavy Metal Poisoning:  Causes kids to go nuts just before they go deaf.
   – Pseudo Reformism.  Causes local politicians to believe that they can go to Washington and make positive changes.
  – Narc-o-lepsy:  The urge to fall asleep when being arrested by a DEA agent.
   – Auto Buffoon Disease.  Affects owners of gigantic SUV’s designed to scale Mt. Everest.  Symptom:  An inability to cross an itty-bitty railroad track without slowing to 1/2 mph.
   – Convention Deficit Disorder.  The inability to nominate a presidential candidate who will promise to lower the deficit.
   – Young Urban Kids Disease (YUK).  Color blindness when buying clothes.
   – Lack Toes Intolerance:  Causes people to look down on those with less than ten lower digits.
   – Restless Leg Syndrome:  Causes your car to stop and go as you bounce on the accelerator to the beat of the song on the radio.
  – Groan’s Disease:  Symptom:  Inappropriate laughing at awful jokes.