Joke Contest Results — There Ought To Be A Law

It’s time for the results of our August Joke Contest — There Ought To Be A Law.  New Joke Contests are announced on the first of the month (alternating months).

New Cartoon Caption Contests are announced on the first of the month (alternating months).  The next caption contest is September 1, 2012.
 
Here are this month’s top lines:

** FIRST PLACE **

Promote Literacy Law:  Politicians must read bills before voting on them.
     Terry Wall, Washington Township, New Jersey

** SECOND PLACE **

The In-Law Law:  Insanity plea accepted for any crime committed against an in-law that overstays a visit.
     Nancy Lininger, Camarillo, California

** THIRD PLACE **

It is illegal to procrastinate. If you do, you will be punished.  Later.
     Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinois

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

  – Volunteer Legislators Law:  Congressmen and Senators will now work for free, finally matching their work with their worth.
  – Universal Sufferage Law:  Boosts tax rates for all, to ensure that everyone is suffering.
  – No Humor Law:  A crime will have occured when politicians and comedians use foul language or grab their private parts to get a laugh.
  – Eat Your Own Dogfood Law:  All regulations will have a trial period of one year, during which those who voted for the law are subject to the taxes and restrictions of the law (but no one else is).
  – Gum Control Law:  Take gum from your mouth and toss it on the sidewalk in a commercial area,  and we’ll stick you in jail overnight.
  – Disorganized Crime Law:  Anyone caught committing a white-collar crime, due to amateur mistakes, must attend finishing school taught by professional criminals with lifetime tenure.
  – Get Out of Jail Free Law:  Reserved for celebrities only.
  – Beginning January 1, 2013, Saber Rattling will become an included lesser offense for Dueling.
  – Any motorist caught obeying the posted speed limit in the passing lane, will automatically have their drivers license revoked.
   – Members of the U.S. Congress who vote their conscience,
must provide proof showing they have one.
  – The Banning of Plastic Covered Furniture:  In the interest of good taste this relic of the 1960’s needs to be removed from the public consciousness once and for all.
  – Doggie Doo Bag Law:  In all cities over 10,000, this law sets up one Doggie Doo Bag Distribution Station on every square block.
  – Hope and Change Law:  Allows everyone to hope they have some change left after taxes.
  – Acronyms Become Stupid, Useless, Ridiculous Data (ABSURD) Law:  Outlaws the overuse of acronyms by the government and military.  Penalty is jail time where the only reading material allowed is a dictionary.
  – Really Affordable Care Act:  Requires doctors to pay their hourly rate equivalent to patients for the time spent waiting for scheduled appointments.
  – Wave Goodbye to Waivers Law:  Prevents government from granting waivers to existing laws.  What’s the point of having laws, if you can grant waivers to everyone?
  – Me First Law:  Once each weeks every citizen is allowed to go first.
  – Rosetta Stone Act:  Legalization of marijuana for linguistics majors.
  – What’s Holding Up The Line Law:  Any person who attempts to pay a $50.00 or more grocery bill with spare change will be banished from the store for 30 days.
  – Truth In Advertising Law:  No one is allowed to post photos that are over two years old on any social media site.
  – Trashy People Law.  Those who throw trash out their windows while driving will be stopped and the trash thrown back in.
  – Phone Tree Law:  All phone trees that do not offer the option of talking to a live person will be cut down at once.
  – Best Picture Nomination Law. To prevent all the good movies from coming out in December, no more than one picture released in a given month can be nominated.
  – Alternating Current shall be the only legal source for energy in the nations capital. The  DC hasn’t worked in years.
  – Airline Delay Law: 
  For any airplane delay lasting 5 hours, airline VPs shall drive buses taking the passengers to their original destination.
  For any airplane delay lasting 7 hours, the airline CEO and President shall drive the buses taking passengers to their original destination.
  For any airplane delay lasting 10 hours or more, the Chairman of the Board and Board members shall drive buses taking passengers to their original destination.
  – First amateur Plumbing Law:  It is illegal to begin a plumbing project later than 10:00 am on Saturday and all day Sunday.
  – Blue Law:  It is illegal to be sad.
  – BS, HS and CS Law:  Telling lies will land you in the bull pasture, horse stable or chicken coop.
  – Alcohol Law: Break this and you end up behind bars.
  – Procrastination Law:
  – Humor Law for Deaf People:  Observational humor shall be sign and not heard.
  – The Selfish People Law:  That doesn’t apply to me.
  – Law of the Humor Power Jungle: Survival of the wittiest.
  – Zoo Laws: 
  No leopard shall be named Spot.
  No giraffe shall be named Stretch.
  No elephant shall be named Jumbo or Tiny.
  – Political candidates will be required to explain how they will accomplish the things they promise to do in their campaigns.  Winners will be evaluated at the end of their terms in office.  If they have not done the things they promised to do, they will spend the same amount of time they spent on office in jail.
  – CLAM-UP (Co-worker Long, Aimless, Mindless, Unfocused, and Pretentious) story Act:  It is not considered a breach of etiquette to feign death until the story teller, sensing awkwardness, moves on.
  – Mother-in-law Law.  Three day maximum for mother-in-law visits.