Joke Contest Results — Comedian At Work

It’s time for the results of our June Joke Contest.  The theme is “Comedian At Work.”  What might a comedian say if he/she worked a normal job?

The top lines were selected by our panel of five judges (speakers and improv players).

New Joke Contests are announced at the start of the month.  The next contest will be announced on July 1.

Here are the top lines for the June contest:


Henny Youngman working as a lawyer, defending his wife:  “Your Honor, take my wife’s pleas.”
     Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinois


Howard Stern, as an inventor: “My new invention is an electric athletic supporter; I call it a Shock Jock.”
     Gerald Fleischmann, Fountain Valley, California


Rodney Dangerfield at a finishing school: “I was hired as an example of what not to do.”
     Sandy Kampner, Evergreen Park, Illinois

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

  – Groucho Marx, as a sleepwear manufacturer: “I’ve got new line of pajamas…for elephants.”
  – Rich Little, as a psychoanalyst: “I’m afraid my patient is displaying multiple personalities.”
  – Steve Martin, as an apprehended burglar: “Well!  Accuuuuuuse me!”
  – Marty Feldman, as a hypnotist:  “Look into my eyes!”
  – Mae West as an office worker:  Is that a stapler in your pocket or are you excited to see me?

  – Jerry Seinfeld as an office worker:  Why are all IT people like the Soup Nazi? “NO EMAIL FOR YOU!”
  – Steven Wright as an office worker:  I’m still looking for the copy machine.   So far, I keep finding the same one.
  – Jack Benny, as a divorce lawyer, advising a male client:   “Divorce is very expensive. The main thing you have to do is decide this: ‘Your money or your wife?'”
  – Don  Rickles, as a Nurse: “Stop whining, you big baby.  Think you’re the only guy who ever broke both arms and both legs? And don’t call for help just because you gotta’ make doo-doo. The bathroom is right over there, Dumbo.  You can crawl like everyone else.  And don’t bleed on my new, clean sheets.  Where were you raised, in a pig’s sty?”
  – Jackie Gleason as an Astronaut: “Har-de-har-har. Like I’ve been  telling you  all  these years, Alice: ‘Pow, right to the moon.’  Well  today’s the day, and we’re both going. Fasten your seat belt — and Away we go!”

  – Abbott & Costello Electrical Company: “Fuse on first…Watts on second.
  – Groucho Marx, at CIA Headquarters:  “Say the secret word…and
you’ll be charged with treason!”
  – W. C. Fields, in HR at an oyster processing plant:  “Vary the rest periods:  Never give a shucker an even break!”
  – Milton Berle, in loss prevention at a food wrap company:  “I think I know who’s the thief of Glad bags.”
  – Lisa Kudrow, in an office: “I get to empty the spam containers on all the computers.”

  – Bill Cosby as a high school teacher:  “Sex education is a good idea, but the kids shouldn’t be given homework.”
  – Groucho Marx as a psychologist: “Remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.”
  – Joan Rivers at McDonalds: “Are you kidding me?  I’m in charge of making ice but I keep forgetting the recipe.”
  – Gallagher, as a band promoter: “Yeah, I got a great new name for your group: Smashing Watermelons!”
  – Tom Hanks, as a candymaker: “In my chocolate boxes, you always know what you’re going to get.”

  – Soupy Sales, as a baker: “I still say my best pies are the ones I fill with shaving cream.”
  – George Carlin, as an English professor: “Now class, here’s my list of seven words you should never say.”
  – Edgar Bergen, as an author: “I’m writing a new one. Ventriloquism for Dummies.”
  – Don Knotts, as a relaxation therapist: “Now don’t be nervous!”
  – Carroll O’Connor, as chief butcher: “Yeah, now I’m da meat head.”

  – Henny Youngman, as a TV chef: “First you take one cup of flour…please”
  – Jerry Lewis, as a college professor: “Oh, Deeean!  Oh, Deeean!”
  – Dick Martin, as a bookie: “That’s the last time I’ll let anyone bet their bippy on a horse.”
 – Don Rickles, as a sports equipment maker: “I’ve invented a totally new type of hockey puck.”
  – John Belushi, as a tailor: “Toga! Toga! Toga!”

  – Joan Rivers, as a Toastmaster: “Can we talk?”
  – Martha Raye, as a dentist: “Now open wide–Like this.”
  – Garrison Keillor, as a teacher: “All my students are above average.”
  – George Gobel, as a tracer of lost persons: “And there you are!”
  – Woody Allen, as a psychologist: “You’re letting your neuroses get to you.”

  – Groucho Marx as an FBI agent: “The secret word is on a need to know basis.”
  – Will Rogers, as a food critic: “I never met a ham I didn’t like.”
  – Lou Costello as a radio station manager:  “We’re ready to go live…ok, who’s on first?”
  – Minnie Pearl as a greeter for Wal-Mart:  “HOW-DEEE!”
  – Rodney Dangerfield in an office:  “I finally got some respect;  I’ve got my own office with a sink and a mop.”

  – Johnny Carson as a weatherman.  “Today it was cold.  How cold was it?  It was so cold….”
  – Jerry Seinfeld as a Buddhist priest: “I’m so busy doing nothing that the idea of doing something cuts into the nothing and I drop everything.”
  – Henny Youngman in a Psychiatry office with a particularly resistant patient: “Take my advice… Please.”
  – Rodney Dangerfield working as a roadie for Aretha Franklin:  I don’t get no R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
  – Cheech and Chong working as U of Wisconsin mascots:  We don’t need no stinking badgers.

  – Larry the Cable Guy working in a nice steak restaurant, to customers:  Git ‘er well done.
  – Bob Newhart working as telephone customer service:  Hello, he-hello, hello?
  – Jay Leno working as a personal trainer:  Ok, chin-ups. Nothing but chin-ups.
  – David Letterman working in a sheet metal company:  Tonight’s top tin list….
  – Seth Myers working as news anchorman for a very underfunded station:  It’s time for Weakened Update.

  – Working as professional Dear John letter writers is:  Penn and Teller.
  – Carrot Top working as a farmer:  Corn should be propped up.
  – Jerry Seinfeld working at Ellis Island in the early 1900s:  Who are these people?
  – Johnny Carson working in marketing for a French brandy distillery:   We’ll call it “Cognac the Magnificent.”
  – Jackie Gleason as a social media consultant:  “How tweet it is.”
  – Jackie Gleason calling the start of a Nascar race: “Maestro, a little traveling music and awaaay we go!” 

  – Minnie Pearl at JC Penneys: “I get to put price tags on all the hats!”