It’s time for the results of our July Joke Contest. The theme is “IQ Pressure Points.” Things that raise and lower your IQ.
The top lines were selected by our panel of eight judges (speakers and improv players).
New Joke Contests are announced at the start of the month. The next contest will be announced on August 1.
Here are the top lines for the July contest:
** FIRST PLACE **
Believing that “experts” know what they are talking about reduces your IQ by 50 points and your checking account by $100.
Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinois
** SECOND PLACE **
Being “smarter than a 5th grader” has no effect on your IQ.
C. Allen, Crofton, Maryland
**THIRD PLACE **
Blaring your car radio with the windows down lowers your IQ by 40 points.
Pat Foley, Homer Glen, Illinois
HONORABLE MENTION (In random order)
– Eating liver raises your IQ by 10 points. Saying you like liver lowers your IQ by 10 points.
– Working the production line at a Viagra can raise your IQ by 20 percent. If it lasts more than 4 hours, call your doctor.
– Running up a down escalator makes you lose 15% of your IQ.
– Trying to buy a round square from new employees in the hardware store makes them lose 50% of their IQ.
– Saying your dog ate your term paper lowers your IQ by 15 points, and your grade by four letters.
– Eating a really good chocolate bar will raise your IQ by 10 points. Eating two is no change. Eating three lowers your IQ by 20 points.
– When a man puts on clean underwear, his IQ goes up 5 points.
– Lying in a bed of live catnip lowers a cat’s IQ 20 points.
– Spilling hot coffee in your lap while driving lowers your IQ by 20 points.
– Wearing mismatched socks lowers your IQ by 10 points.
– A man buying intimate apparel for anyone lowers his IQ 30%.
– When a wife asks “Does this make me look fat?” any answer lowers your IQ 40%.
– Forgetting your wife’s birthday lowers your IQ 90%
– Buying a Men’s magazine lowers your IQ 30%.
– Listening to a telemarketer lowers your IQ 30%.
– Standing outside in the cold without a jacket to look cool lowers your IQ
– Walking in the rain while carrying an unopened umbrella lowers your IQ by 20 points.
– Buying your wife a present without her approval–Look, honey, a five foot ceramic giraffe–lowers your IQ 30%.
– Watching an all-night Joanie Loves Chachi marathon lowers your IQ 40 points.
– Signing up for a correspondence course in chain saw juggling lowers your IQ 40%.
– When a couple gets married the groom’s IQ is lowered 20% and the bride’s IQ is raised 20%.
– Buying a rider mower and using it before reading the instructions lowers your IQ 20% and gives you a ride in an ambulance.
– Agreeing to do something illegal with friends because “we won’t get caught” lowers your IQ 80%.
– Listening to a politician, any politician, lowers your IQ 40%
– Buying a power tool you don’t need lowers your IQ 25%, unless it comes in a cool metal box.
– Agreeing to let your neighbor fix something for you because “I saw it on TV” lowers your IQ 35%.
– Pulling a friend’s finger when he asks lowers your IQ 30%.
– Buying lemonade from kids at a roadside stand raises your IQ 10 points.
– Being abruptly cut off while driving on the Interstate lowers your IQ 10 points, getting angry lowers it another 10 points, and becoming enraged lowers it to below the speed limit
– Discussing a difficult personal problem with a group of her closest female friends raises a woman’s IQ 10 points for the first hour; 5 points for the second hour; and 2 points for the third hour. Continuing the discussion for the fourth hour lowers her IQ 2 points; for the fifth hour, 5 points; and for the sixth hour 10 points.
– Asking for directions lowers a man’s IQ 20 points but raises a woman’s IQ 10 points.
– Thinking that sucking helium will raise your IQ 5 points, lowers it 10.
– Listening to Nevada Public Radio raises your IQ 88.9 points.
– Writing a haiku on IQ is cute but does zilch.
– Watching reality TV lowers your IQ 10 points, writing reality TV lowers your IQ 30 points, and starring on reality TV lowers your IQ 50 points.
– Being corrected on your spelling by your mom lowers your IQ 10 points, being corrected by your computer lowers it 20 points, and being corrected by your grandson lowers it 30 points.
– Reading/surfing/listening to news raises your IQ 10 points. Believing the news lowers your IQ 50 points.
– Drinking hard liquor will reduce your IQ by 80 points. I have proof.
– Wanting to play contact sports lowers your IQ 10 points. Playing contact sports removes the rest of your IQ points.
– Taking a math class raises IQ by 3(2x/y2) / (3x – 4y) points.
– Taking a hike in the desert with no water lowers your IQ, electrolytes, and your chances of seeing tomorrow.
– Running this contest raises John Kinde’s IQ points by the number of entrants times the number of posted jokes.
– Crossing Niagara Falls and the Grand Canyon on a rope reduces your IQ to zero. Reaching the other side safely restores your IQ.
– Believing politicians operate for the public good reduces your IQ points in direct proportion to the amount of bribes s/he takes.
– Driving at the speed limit in the left lane eliminates the IQ of the drivers behind you.
– Sitting up all night writing jokes–I don’t know if it raises or lowers my IQ but it sure makes my IQ tired.
– Working as a magician’s assistant can cut your IQ in half.
– Doing addition will increase your IQ by sum points.
– Listening to MSNBC will ??crease your IQ by ?? points.
Listening to Fox News will ??crease your IQ by ?? points.
Replace the ?? based on your own opinions.
– Drinking 5 light beers with your burger and fries lowers your IQ 10 points.
– Spending your whole paycheck at the race track, casino, or buying lottery tickets lowers your IQ 15 points.
– Telling “clean” jokes raises your IQ 10 points and telling “dirty” jokes lowers your IQ 20 points.
– Texting on your phone while driving lowers your IQ 10 points, and reduces your life expectancy 10 years.
– Drinking a bottle of scotch on a flight to control your fear of flying lowers your IQ by 30 points.
– Doing the YMCA to the blaring beat of the music at a Phillies game lowers your IQ 20 points. 30 points if you’ve been drinking. 50 points if you’re on the Jumbotron. 60 points if you’re also over 40.