It’s time for results of our September humor contest: Super Hero. Our readers submitted modern-day Super Hero characters they’d like to see.
New Joke Contests are announced at the start of the month. The next contest will be announced on October 1.
Here are the top lines from the September contest:
** FIRST PLACE **
Carlos Danger: Worshipped by late night comedians for improving their monologues.
Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinois
** SECOND PLACE **
The Back-of-the-line Chief: Transports every line jumper at an amusement park to the back of the line, every time they find themselves next-in-line.
David Cummings, Cincinnati, Ohio
** THIRD PLACE (TIE) **
Blooperman: Has the ability to go back in time to correct stupid political mistakes.
Tom Nee, Oak Lawn, Illinois, a SUPER town
Incomplete Man: Able to leap tall.
Jim Spero, Denver, Colorado
HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)
– Humor Power Rangers: Aids potential public speakers to increase the funny content of their speeches.
– Mr. Dr. Spock: Assists parents in raising their children using love, common sense and Vulcan logic.
– The Tweeting Twerker: Satisfies all your vices.
– Auntie Lipo: She appears in Spring to evaporate those unsightly “spare tires” and excess hips, to make your bod bikini ready for Summer.
– Cholesteroff: Removes all that bad cholesterol and saturated fat from your favorite foods, enabling guilt-free gluttony.
– Souper Mom: Okay, you two, stop this fighting; put the guns away. Here’s a nice, hot bowl of chicken noodle soup for you both. Now, go Wash your hands and eat. Afterwards, we’ll discuss your problem like gentlemen, IF you both finish all your soup.
– Traffic Flo: She blows away slow pokes from the fast lane, and cages the eyeballs of looky-loo-ers to speed everyone’s commute.
– Spin-Out: With his gaping mouth, swallows even Katrina-sized hurricanes at a moment’s notice. Eats Tornados for breakfast.
– The Time Traveler: A real super hero, but he’s most often used by students who just need an extra day to finish their term papers.
– The Ductaper: Shuts up those blabbermouths in a nanosecond with his duct tape ray gun.
– Avenger of the Nerves: Causes paralyzing anxiety attacks in anyone seriously contemplating the use of nerve gas.
– SuperNatural Killer: Locates and kills all cells in the body that are about to undergo malignant change, leaving healthy cells intact. Note to non-scientists: Natural Killer cells are present in humans and kill some cancer cells despite having never seen them before (innate immunity).
– Coyote-Buster: Keeps drugs from crossing international borders into the United States.
– Super Scam Squelcher: Sends a warning message to your brain when you are about to be scammed.
– I Wonder Woman: Uses her super powers to tell if your new friend is a man or a woman.
– The Human Consequence: Uses mental powers to persuade politicians to tell the truth.
– PC Man: Helps the President and other politicians by using his mental powers to explain “what they meant to say is…”
– Rubberman: Can change any metal instantly to rubber, especially bullets.
– The Incredible Bulk: Alternates between The Biggest Loser and Survivor.
– Superman with X-Ray Vision: Coming soon to a TSA checkpoint near you.
– Michelleorama: Comes to the rescue of weak arms.
– Hy Fructose. Guardian of corn farmers’ crops.
– States-Man: Shows the executive, legislative and judicial branches how to act.
– Missile Man: Steps in when people shoot off their mouth.
– Teleyoutubbies: Super heroes for parents as they amuse young children for hours.
– Ottoman: This super hero fixes sore and tired legs with special chairs.
– Scuba Doo: Big, shaggy rescuer of people in danger in water sports.
– Plumbero: Rescues failed Drano attempts.
– Super Mario: This super hero fixes games gone bad.
– Duckman: Cheers up people who are down in the mouth.
– Trash Gordon: Found super hero success working for Waste Management.
– I forget his name but he is Super hero for people with Alzheimer’s Disease.
– Giant Man: Does good deeds for Big Brothers and Big Sisters.
– Sour dough: Goes after car dealers selling bad cars or “Lemons”. Every dollar made by a car dealer selling a lemon for a car, his money turns into lemonade.
– The Bully Weeper: Every day a bully pick on a student at school, the bully weeper will use his power to make the bully wear nothing but a diaper at school for that amount of days.
– Super Eraser: When you have apologized for what you shouldn’t have said, the words are erased from the recipient’s mind.