Contest Results — Time Savers

Our Blog has been down for a few days.  We’re back up and publishing once again.

I’m reposting the results of our August Joke Contest.  The theme is TIME SAVERS, a not-so-serious look at time management.

The top lines were selected by our panel of eight judges (speakers and improv players).

New Joke Contests are announced at the start of the month.  The next contest will be announced on September 1.

Here are the top lines for the August contest:

** FIRST PLACE **

Cat owners can save time by pre-shredding curtains, couches, clothes, etc before bringing them into the house.

     Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinois

** SECOND PLACE ** (3-WAY TIE)

Brush your teeth three times a day all at once. You won’t have to  worry about finding time later.
     Pat Foley, Homer Glen, Illinois

Put chocolate mousse on your steak so you can have dinner and dessert at once.
     Kaye Newton, Raymond Terrace, NSW, Australia

Get drunk at home every night before walking down to the corner bar.
     Gerald Fleischmann, Fountain Valley, California

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

  – Stay home this year. Watch reruns of Hawaii Five-O, Miami Vice, etc.
  – Feel like you’re vacationing without wasting time traveling.
  – Buy a horse. You won’t waste time filling up at gas stations. You might experience a different kind of gas problem, however.
  – New product let’s you eat dinner while you’re showering for an early theatre date. It’s called, “Soup on a Rope.”
  – Keep your clothes washer full of hot water at all times to save time washing clothes.

  – Save time in rush hour traffic by getting out of the car and walking to work.
  – Buy an industrial 100,000 watt microwave oven that cooks in 2 seconds.
  – Pay the newspaper boy to read the news to you as you are getting ready for wok.
  – Keep your car running all the time so you don’t waste time starting it.
  – Wear the same clothes a week at a time without changing.

  – Install a fireman’s pole outside your second-story window to save time running down the stairs and opening the front door.
  – Make a 20 gallon pot of coffee on Monday and microwave it the rest of the week.
  – Save time by entering fewer joke contests.
  – Wash your dishes, car, and laundry together, and use the same rinse water for all.
  – Get there faster by following behind a speeding ambulance.

  – To save time in filling out my tax returns, I have just redirected all my paychecks to the IRS.
  – My old car so often needs repairs, that to save time, instead of parking it in my garage, I arranged with my mechanic to just park it in one of his stalls.
  – If you’re going to Burning Man this year you can save a lot of time by ordering a pound of desert dust online, and then mixing it in with all your clothes in your dryer.
  – Never handle a piece of paper more than 27 times, and you’ll save the time you’d have spent by handling it 28 or more times.
  – Don’t work and you don’t have to plan vacations.

  – Take all medicines when you are not sick.  Your body will proactively fight the illness and save the doctor visiting time.
  – Skip the tedium of getting dressed–sleep in your clothes.
  – Cut down on ATM visits–Use a duffel bag to carry all of your cash.  Of course time saved will be offset by having to take firearms training.
  – Lug around one of those gigantic bottles of water, so you won’t waste time with drinking fountains, trips to the water cooler.
  – Use a hands free bicycle so you can do your emails on your phone, get where you are going and exercise all at once.

  – Put your dog and cat in the bath together (after your bath) to save water and time.  It also washes the floor and walls.
  – Don’t wear a parachute when sky diving. You’ll get home faster.
  – When doing your work, do mine too.
  – Learn to be ambidextrous, that way you can write 2 jokes at a time for Humor Power contests.
  – When shopping at a home center for a plumbing project, buy one of every plumbing item in the store.

  – Never handle a piece of paper more than once a year.
  – Reuse the same presentation repeatedly, like the bankers testifying before Congress do.
  – Wear your parka all summer so you don’t have to waste time donning it in the winter.
  – Get your marriage certificate and divorce decree at the same time.
  – Pregnant women can give birth to 18 year olds and skip the time and expense of child rearing.

  – Get all your joints replaced at the same time.
  – When telling jokes, just tell the punchline.
  – When hiring new employees, immediately put them on probation.
  – Telling jokes, I find it saves time if I also do the laughing.

  – Using technology in common use for over 20 years, you have a simple endoscopic procedure by which a feeding tube is placed into the stomach and out through the skin. It is then connected to an infusion pump which pumps in liquid nutrition such as Ensure or Boost while you are sleeping.  When you go out, just disconnect the tube, clamp it, and tuck it in under your shirt. So, you get your most of your nutrition during sleep and don’t have bother eating or drinking most of the day, except when you choose to.