Contest Results — Speaking in Code

It’s time for the results of our January Joke Contest — Speaking In Code.   The challenge was to uncover the hidden meaning in common expressions.

New Joke Contests are announced on the first of the month.  Our next contest will be February 1.
 
Here are this month’s top lines selected by our panel of eight judges (speakers and improv players):

** FIRST PLACE **
 It’s a no brainer.  Code for, “Even I could do it.”
     Sandy Kampner, Evergreen Park, Illinois

** SECOND PLACE **

Yes, dear.  Code for, “That’s certainly not worth arguing about.”
    Gerald Fleischmann, Fountain Valley, California

** THIRD PLACE **

To make a long story short.  Code for, “You better sit down because I’m going to be talking for a long time.”
     Candace Allen, Crofton, Maryland

** FOURTH PLACE **

The doctor is running a little late.  Code for, “It will be at least an hour.”
     David Novick, Dayton, Ohio

HONORABLE MENTION (In random order)

  – Sure I’ll marry you, but this is a very important decision. Code for, “We’re talking about the next 6 to 7 years on the average.”
  – Gun Control.  Code for, “using both hands on the rifle.”
  – Have-a-nice-day.  Code for, “Here’s your change. Now take your groceries and MOVE ON!”
  – Don’t be a stranger.”  Code for, “Be a stranger.”
  – That dress looks good on you.  Code for, “I wouldn’t be caught dead in it.”

  – What a lovely gift!  Code for, “I wonder who I can re-gift it to?”
  – I have a headache.  Code for, “Get lost, lover boy.”
  – This is a brand new recipe.  Code for, “You are all my guinea pigs tonight.”
  – I did it my way.  Code for, “I made a mess of it.”
  – Would you consider a larger shoe size, miss?  Code for, “We won’t be trying Cinderella’s glass slippers on those whoppers, sis!”

  – Just a little for me; I’m eating light.  Code for, “I never could stand your cooking.”
  – RSVP.  Code for, “Show up unannounced and we’ll know you’re the social boor we think you are.”
  – Gluten free, soy free, salt free, sugar free, fat free, and lactose free.  Code for, “Nearly tasteless.”
  – Isn’t your puppy cute?  Code for, “Six months and 60 pounds later, it may not be so cute.”
  – I do all my own cooking.  Code for, “I can zap anything they sell on TJ’s ready-to-eat aisle.”

  – I’m back to square one.  Code for, “No wonder I never get called to play Hollywood Squares.”
  – I’m the butt of everyone’s jokes. Code for “I’ve got a big butt.”
  – Time to throw in the towel.  Code for, “That leak in the basement is overflowing.”
  – I have a headache.  Code for, “Not tonight, Honey.”
  – I’ll think about it.  Code for, “Forget about it!”

  – I am so sorry that this happened.  Code for, “Don’t blame me.  It wasn’t my fault
– A stitch in time saves nine. Code for, “Get off your lazy butt and do it now.”
  – Too many cooks spoil the broth.  Code for, “You can’t cook; now please get out of my kitchen.”
  – A penny saved is a penny earned.  Code for “Forget about the fun and finer things in life and you’ll retire at age 65 instead of 75.”
  – A piece of cake.  Code for, “It’s really hard and you’ll probably fail.”

  – Needless to say.  Code for, “I’m going to say this anyway.”
  – The check is in the mail… Code for “You’re not getting paid.”
  – Same old same old.  Code for, “I am bored silly and I really don’t want to talk to you.”
  – Today’s special. Code for, “What we didn’t serve yesterday.”
  – It was a beautiful wedding.  Code for, “How much did that cost?”

  – It is what it is.  Code for, “What is it?”
  – After due consideration.  “Code for, “not a snowball’s chance.”
  – Politically correct.  Code for, “I’m not going to tell the truth!”
  – All the bells and whistles.  Code for, “You bet it’s expensive.”
  – How the other half lives.  Code for, “the one percent.”

  – Brand spanking new.  Code for, “Only used once.”
  – Cleanliness is next to godliness.  Code for, “There’s soap and a shower in the church basement.”
  – The customer is always right.  Code for, “This person is a moron.”     
  – I respect my esteemed colleague from the other side of the aisle.  Code for, “he’s the world’s biggest slime bag.”
  – I only had 2 beers.  Code for, “Please don’t give me a sobriety test.”

  – Let’s have a trial separation.  Code for I want a divorce.
  – We had a frank exchange.  Code for, “We yelled and screamed till we were hoarse.”
  – Whatever.  Code for, “I’m dumb and lazy.”
  – Maybe.  Code for, “No Way, Never Ever, Not a Chance but I’m not saying no because I can’t put up with any more of your whining.”
  – Did you hear the one about.  Code for, “Let me be the center of
attention because I want you to love me.”

  – Just lucky I guess.  Gamblers code for, “I gambled a fortune and got
some back.”
  – Pull over Driver.  Code for, “This will cost you a fortune.”
  – Hmmm. Doctor’s code for, “Your health insurance won’t be enough.”
  – You’ve been a great audience.  Comic’s code for, ” Thank goodness some of you laughed.”