April Joke Contest Results — Hidden Benefits

It’s time for the results of the April Joke Contest. The theme for this month’s challenge, Hidden Benefits, was suggested by Gerald Fleischmann.

New contests are announced on the first of the month. Look for the next contest on May 1, 2014.

Here are the top lines for April.

** FIRST PLACE **

My dry cleaner mixes up all his orders, but I get a new wardrobe every week.
Tom Nee, Oak Lawn, Illinois

** SECOND PLACE **

My smartphone was out for repair. I had so much time I actually read a book.
David Novick, Dayton, Ohio

** THIRD PLACE **

My Wife is a psychopathic maniac, but I’ve become become skilled at hostage negotiation, crime scene clean-up and weapon maintenance.
Les Harden, Brisbane, Australia

HONORABLE MENTION (In random order)

– The elevator stopped working on our high-rise, but I lost 20 pounds and won a stair climbing event.
– My neighbor’s tree dropping lemons all over my yard drove me crazy, until I opened a lemonade stand.
– The corner shop makes the worst coffee ever, but it’s buy one get one free so I can’t pass it up.
– Our local school is so bad, I was mugged taking my young daughter to her classroom. However my kid got me a better wallet and a roll of cash when she mugged the Principal’s bookie.
– I work for myself. I hate the boss but love his self deprecating humor.

– I got put on hold with the IRS for an hour, but I learned the lyrics to a dozen new songs.
– I was upset when a guy cut in front of me in the lotto line, until I realized that I bought the winning ticket.
– I was upset when gas shot up to $5.00 a gallon, until I realized that it doesn’t take as long to pump $20 worth as it used to.
– My boss is a real taskmaster, but time flies when you’re working twice as hard.
– My cable TV stopped working, but I attached wires to the neighbor’s dish and haven’t missed a show.

– I got into a fender-bender yesterday, but my cat seems to drive better without a front bumper.
– I was running late and just barely made it on time for my performance in the local theater, so I had no time for performance anxiety.
– I spent so much using credit cards that I will be in debt for years, but I got a cool flutaphone with my points.
– Lot was plunged into despair when God turned his wife into a pillar of Salt.
However, their children helped assuage his sorrow by selling her to Orville Redenbacher.
– That TV show is lousy; I can’t wait to see who their next guest host will be.

– Animated films these days use such primitive animation that all there is to appreciate is their great story lines.
– After making a mistake entering my new password, that mistake helped me avoid the latest computer virus making the rounds.
– The premium ice cream I thought would ruin my diet turned out to attract the very sexy neighbor lady.
– The thunderstorm with gale force wind blew all the obstructions out of my gutters.
– When the power went off, we had nothing to do but talk to each other, in person, face to face, in real time.

– When my hearing aids are turned off at night, I can’t hear anything, not even your snoring.
– My cell phone coverage is always dropping calls. Comes in handy for calls from my mother-in-law.
– I stopped by and saw that the renters had the house looking like a foreclosure property. But I wasn’t mad when I saw that someone else had stopped by; the tax appraiser.