Contest Results — Living on Mars

It’s time to share our best lines from our June Joke Contest. The theme is “I Want To Live On Mars Because…” Our readers submitted their unusual reasons why they would want to live on Mars.

Here are the results selected by our panel of six judges (speakers and improv players).

Our next contest will be announced on July 1.

And now: I Want To Live On Mars Because…


Earth has iTunes, but Mars has Neptunes.
Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinois


I want to explore those eerie canals.
Sandy Kampner, Evergreen Park, Illinois


Years on Earth just go by too fast.
Gerald Fleischmann, Fountain Valley, California

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

– There is new restaurant…good food but no atmosphere.
– There are no politicians on Mars.
– I’ve always been told red brings out my freckles.
– I will make a great Martian dictator.
– Google would no longer be able find me.

– I’d go to Mercury but everyone there has to wear SPF one million sunscreen.
– It says right here in the brochure that the Martians will have us for dinner.
– We’ve been to Vegas and there’s nothing left on Earth that we want to see.
– I’ll finally get to meet My Favorite Martian.
– I want to be off planet during the next election.

– It’s Space, the final front door!
– I want to have a different answer when aliens ask “Where ya from?”
– I want to live on Mars because they have fewer lawyers.
– I want to live on Mars because maybe the IRS won’t find me there.
– I want to live on Mars because in galactic terms, it’s just like moving next door.

– I’ve always wanted to rule the world. There will be less competition on Mars.
– I’ll be safe there. I’m in the Witness Protection Program.
It gets hot, but it’s a dry heat.
– I’ll be taller than the little green men.
– I can grab market share for gondola rides on the canals.
– I think I can go to Mars if I planet well enough.

– I had a Ford Galaxy once.
– I’m so tired of winter.
– They have good libraries. It is the read planet.
– I’ll uncover the truth about Roswell.