Contest Results — First Date

It’s time for our contest results for the July theme of  FIRST DATE.

Our Top-Three lines were selected by our panel of judges (speakers and improv players).

Our contests come out on the first of the month. Our next contest will be announced on August 1, 2014.

Here are the top lines for this month.


What NOT to say on a first date: Don’t worry, liquor doesn’t affect my driving.

Gerald Fleischmann, Fountain Valley, California


What  NOT to do on a first date: Text a friend about your date whilE you are on it, speaking aloud everything you are texting.

Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinois


What NOT to say when trying to get a first date: I stutter when I ask a pretty girl out. Oh look…I didn’t stutter!

Nancy Lininger, Camarillo, Calfiornia

HONORABLE MENTION (In random order)

What NOT to say when trying to get a first date: 

– I’ve been depressed lately. Maybe a date will cheer me up.
– Let’s meet at a wedding dress store.
– We’d have to meet out of town…people know me here.
– I can’t believe you’re going out with me. I really can’t believe you’re going out with me. I really really can’t believe you’re going out with me.  I really really really can’t believe you’re going out with me!

What NOT to bring to a first date:

– A Sponge Bob security blanket.
– A textbook from a class you took 20 years ago.
– Your grandmother’s ashes.
– Your dog. “He loves doing that. I’ll get you a tissue.”
– Your mother.

What NOT to say during a first date:
– So how do you feel about polygamy?
– Could I look at your teeth?
– Want to hear my Pee Wee Herman impression?
– By the way, do you have cab fare for the ride home?
– Is it OK if we dress up as super-heroes tonight?
– In the glove box there’s a bottle of aspirin, in case you suddenly get a headache.

– Sorry I’m late. My first hot date tonight took longer than I planned.

– We can have a fun time or not…it’s up to you.
– After dinner, you can come over to my place, and I’ll show you my trophies.

– I win joke contests.
– How is Venus this time of year?
– I’ve got to be home by midnight…in case my probation officer calls.
– We can go anywhere you want…as long as it’s not out-of-state.
– You remind me of my last date.
– If we get married I can stay in the country. Then we can go out again.
– I can get us fast service…Hey waiter, here’s a buck.
– I’ll call you if I remember your number.
– Did you have to pick the most expensive item?
– My policy is don’t ask don’t tell.
– I thought you were my dream date, then I woke up.
– Mother tried to fix me up with a guy who looks just like you.
– I’m sure that mole can be removed.
– What do you think of the new cologne I’m trying tonight? It’s an aphrodisiac.

– You smell much better than I’ve heard.
– I hope you’re not just another party pooper.
– I’m using this lip balm so my mouth sores can clear up before we kiss goodnight.

– I have a lot in common with Oedipus Rex.

– You use too many crutch words…have you considered joining Toastmasters?

– I thought I’d surprise you with an evening of competition paintball.
– I didn’t say we’re going to Birmingham; I said Burning Man.
– So how far do you go on a first date?
– Please don’t open the glove box…that’s where I keep my guns.
– So let’s talk about string theory.
– Is that your real hair color?
– Have you had a face lift?
– I can see you’re into me.
– Could you loan me some money?
– If we get serious, I will need to see your tax returns for the last three years.

– I live with my mom, 2 dogs, and 22 cats.
– I’m really good with numbers. I bet I can guess your measurements.
– My last date ended with a murder trial, but I was acquitted.

What NOT to do on a first date:
– Crack your knuckles repeatedly all evening.
– Text a friend about your date while you are on it, speaking aloud everything you are texting.

– Complain about never getting a second date.
– Laugh at everything your date says.
– Hum every few minutes, alternating between “The Candy Man” and “It’s a Small World.”

– Blow your nose on your shirt tail.
– Take a call from your ex.
– Check the score of a game (you will never score if you do).
– Turn up one hour late and say “Sorry, I forgot.”
– You pick up your date in your convertible with the top down when it is winter and windy.

– Show up wearing a bow tie and nothing else.
– Show up wearing a Sumo wrestling outfit.

Places to NOT to go on a first date:

– An adult theater, bookstore, or strip club.
– To a Toastmasters meeting and make sure your date is called on for Table Topics.