Joke Contest Results — Twisted Cliches

The November Joke Contest was popular and attracted lots of great entries. Our panel of judges have selected a TOP FIVE this month.

The theme of the contests is Twisted Cliches. The challenge was to change a cliche by adding one letter, subtracting one letter, or changing one letter. Just one letter.

The next joke contest will be announded on December 1.

Here are the Top-Five entries and the Honorable Mentions.


On what it takes to be a fisherman:
All things come to those who bait.
Gerald Fleischmann, Fountain Valley, California, USA


On dieting:
Win one for the zipper.
Tom Nee, Oak Lawn, Illinois, USA


On fighting temptations during a diet program:
Cross that fridge when you come to it.
Surekha Shetty, Bangalore, India


On Homer Simpson’s advice:
Do as I say, not as I doh.
Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinois, USA


At a snail’s funeral:
Another snail in the coffin.
Balakumar Shanmugam, Eindhoven, The Netherlands

HONORABLE MENTION (In random order)

— On Prince Charles watching a storm:
Lightning never strikes twice in the same palace.
— On a cloudy day:
Nothing ventured, nothing rained.
— On the surgeon’s motto:
Better late than sever.
— On selfish people:
Good things come to those who want.
— On professional golfers:
Money doesn’t grow on tees.

— On the bully’s motto:
The end justifies the meanys.
— On real estate disputes:
Possession is nine tenths of the lawn.
— On office procedures:
Nothing is certain but death and faxes.
— On talking funny:
Truth is stranger than diction.
— On new flavors:
Spice, the final frontier.

— On shopping centers:
The love of money is the root of mall evil.
— On major league baseball:
You can catch more flies with money than with vinegar.
— On law officers:
Honesty is the best police.
— On a sniper’s scope:
A sight for sure eyes.
— On discovering spilt milk:
Look before you lap.

— On proper attire for exercising your pets:
Walk a mole in his shoes
— On Mother’s Day:
Daughter is the best medicine.
— On writers collaborating on plays:
The whole nine Bards.
— On cold weather:
Home is where the heat is.
— On strong coffee:
It’s never too latte.

— On cleaning up your kid’s rooms:
Let the punishment fit the grime.
— On rich presents:
Love is bling.
— On your first house:
Home wasn’t built in a day.
— On travel:
There’s no place like Rome.
— On keeping dad in a good mood:
A watched pop never boils.

— On keeping pets.
Don’t press your duck.
— On wrestling:
You always hurl the one you love.
— On tipping for bad service:
Better buck next time.
— On phone-center automated responses:
If these calls could talk.
— On bungee jumping safety:
Hook before you leap.

— Still illegal in 49 states:
No good weed goes unpunished.
— On a beer pong contest.
Let’s get a keg up on the competition.
— On bagle shop marketing.
We think outside the lox.
— On knowing the fine art market:
A fool and his Monet are soon parted.
— On falling through the cracks:
Don’t push your duck.

— On trying to lose weight:
No good feed goes unpunished.
— On getting a job:
A rolling stone gathers no boss.
— On a warning to Zombies:
No good dead goes unpunished.
— On an antique gallery:
Time will sell.
— On an antique gallery:
As good as old.

— On a breakup letter:
Grin and tear it.
— On a costume designer:
The gift of the garb.
— On a headline for an accident report:
Fall head over wheels.
— On advice for compulsive credit card users:
Pay your cards right.
— On frequent job hopping:
In one year and out the other.

— Tagline for a surgical weight loss clinic:
Make a quick tuck
— On a couple patching up, after a fight:
A make-up call.
— On getting better at repartees:
Wise to the occasion.
— On a mantra of a fugitive:
Stick to one’s runs.
— On getting hitched with a rich, over-weight partner:
Marry a lot of weight.

— On a hairline escape in a deadly accident:
The miss of death.
— Advice for a bachelor in his advancing years:
Get a wife.
— On how famous authors congregate:
Bards of a feather flock together.
— On the effect of acid rain:
When it rains, it sours.
— On sowing and reaping:
What you seed is what you get.

— On the European Space Agency:
Easy comet, easy go.
— On sitting near the heater:
The early bird gets the warm.
— On why graffiti needs stationary objects:
A rolling stone gathers no mots.
— On full employment:
A thing of beauty is a job forever.
— On Italian domesticity:
A Roman’s place is in the home.

— On taking dares:
Boys will bet boys.
— On boys in the bay:
Boys will be buoys.
— On cooking fowl:
Chickens come home to roast.
— On the advantages of calisthenics:
All’s well that bends well.
— On expecting torture at sunrise:
At the rack of dawn.
— On deciding how to travel:
My plane or yours?

— On cleaning your ears:
Take the easy wax out
— On sober boating:
Take the wine out of your sails.
— Profitability of Pharmaceuticals:
There’s gold in them there pills.
— On inflation:
The dimes, they are a-changing.
— On the virtues of alcohol:
To praise the bar.

— On assessing a sheep:
You’re right on the mutton.
— On a tsunami:
A rising tide lofts all boats.
— On being unable to bathe:
It’s stink or swim
— On showing affection for a tree:
Giving a pat on the bark
— On peanut butter:
Stick to your gums

— On flowers with a fishy oder:
Stop and smelt the roses.
— On the benefits of over eating:
Survival of the fattest.
— On award-winning cheekiness:
Sassed with flying colors.
— On diminishing the effect of labor:
Peel back the union.
— On not getting enough affection:
Being kiss poor.

— On making a good written impression:
Put your best font forward.
— On heeding the courier:
Don’t shoo the messenger.
— On behavior near fermentation vats:
Don’t spit into the wine.
— On praising an Alaskan city:
East or West, Nome is best.
— On singing with Satan:
Give the devil his duet.

— On civil engineering:
I think, therefore I dam.
— On advice to vegans:
If you can’t stand the meat, get out of the kitchen.
— On the human condition:
Live and yearn.
— On being shortchanged:
A faker’s dozen.
— On parenting in the good old days:
Beat around the tush.

— Bookshop Sign:
Buy the book.
— Cooking class:
Herb your enthusiasm
— Should have dressed warmer:
Fools cold.
— On living in California:
Be it ever so rumble there’s no place like home.
— On buying a combine today:
It’ll cost you a farm and a leg.

— On the little engine that could:
For trying out loud.
— On Santa ready to deliver toys:
Bags all packed and ready to ho.
— On entering the tree farm business:
Baptism by fir.
— On buying a romance novel:
You can’t judge a book by it’s lover.
— On working so much you get a split personality:
All work and no play makes Jack a duel boy.

— On problems at the shoe factory:
All heel breaks loose.
— No patience for idiots:
At my twits end.
— On driving a manual transmission car:
Shift happens.
– On being excited about tomorrow:
Going mananas.
— On refusing to smile at something funny:
Going against the grin.

— On a church being robbed:
Crime doesn’t pray.
— On the roofers creed:
Getting back up on the house.
— On someone suggesting a bad wine:
A cork and bull story.
— On line-drying clothes with little poems on them:
Airing ditty laundry.
— On a shopping center hit by a tornado:
Mall bent out of shape.

— On a mechanic ready to listen to your transmission problem:
I’m all gears.
— On available poets:
A bard in hand is worth two in the bush.
— On the busy month for the tanning industry:
Beware the hides of March.
— On discussing argumentative secret agents:
A Bond of contention
— On a rich but naive pony:
A foal and his money are soon parted.

— On grocery workers promoted to helping checkers:
Bagging rights.
— On Alice Kramden’s opinion of her husband:
My better Ralf.
— On sleeping anywhere you want:
All over the nap.
— On heavy metal band singers:
Another day, another hollar.
— On Marcel Marceau’s best buddy:
Any friend of yours is a friend of mime.

— On modern music derived from the Bible:
As ye sow, so shall ye rap.
— On a fumble at the snap:
At the drop of a hut.
— On throwing away old fruit:
At the end of my ripe.
— On complaining about electronic transmissions:
A fax to grind.
— On someone new to Humor Power Contests:
A babe in the words.

— On a scuba partner who always corrects you:
A back seat diver.
— On a Victorian lady choosing her first paramour:
Back to squire one.
— On getting over being embarrassed:
Beat around the blushes.
— On sledding down sand hills:
Been there, dune that.
— On sleeping on the job at the sausage factory:
Catch 40 links.

— On someone skilled at math:
Easy as pi.
— On being cool:
Have an ice day.
— On a dog who growls in code:
His bark is Morse than his bite.
— On cartoon dialogue:
Holy POW.
— On a consultant giving advice:
If I told you, I’d have to bill you.

— On the futility of chastity:
Chaste makes waste.
— Note to the kitchen staff on how to sabotage the important dinner:
To many cooks, spoil the broth.
— Using a kitten as a gyroscope:
There’s more than one way to spin a cat.
— On being in debt and drinking excessively:
Neither a borrower nor a bender be.
— On the benefits of dieting:
What doesn’t fill you makes you stronger.

— On Chicago baseball fans deciding to support the Cubs:
Think outside the Sox.
— On living in Florida:
Time flies when you’re having sun.
— On Marcel Marceau enjoying work as a trapeze artist:
Mime flies when you’re having fun.
— On news headline about Marcel Marceau career as a nurse: Mime
heals all wounds.
— Coal executive talking about the deepest extraction point:
That’s the bottom mine.

— On Microsoft Windows:
Crash is King.
— Advice to someone who lost his left eye:
Always look on the right side.
— On making fun of the judiciary:
Justice is blond.
— On using an iCoffee brewer:
There is no i in Tea.
— On having tasted love:
Love is bland.

— On being good at time management:
Have the fast laugh.
— Reflections on the inventing of penicilin.
The good mold days.
— On a baby who hates bad weather:
When it rains it pouts.
— On a spicy Mexican dish:
Fire in the mole.
— On driving on a road under repair:
Tire in the hole.

— On calling 911:
Fire in the home.
— On a passionate actor:
Fire in the role.
— On asking a pessimist what he’s thinking about:
A penny for sour thoughts.
— On asking a well-traveled friend what to go see:
A penny for tour thoughts.