Here are the results of our January Joke Contest. This month’s contest theme was suggested by long-time blog contributor, and funny guy, Gerald Fleischmann.
The theme is Drugs You Can’t Live Without. Submissions create a fictional drug, and make up a description of the properties of that drug.
New Joke contests are announced on the first of the month. The next contest comes out on February 1, 2015.
** FIRST PLACE **
Jerkoset: This mood altering drug will give an edge to your tennis game. Turns timid players into obnoxious, racket-throwing competitors.
Terry Wall, Washington Township, New Jersey
** SECOND PLACE **
Mirror Image: Helps you to look good no matter how bad you feel.
Sandy Kampner, Evergreen Park, Illinois
** THIRD PLACE **
I’melopinPM: Convinces your honey that tonight’s the night. Caution: May cause pregnancy within nine months.
Tom Nee, Oak Lawn, Illinois
** FOURTH PLACE **
Avillify: Used by prosecutors nationwide.
Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinois
HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)
Tusk-A-Loosa: For boxers. Fixes loose or missing teeth in a jiffy.
Eaterall: This drug dissolves all food as it enters the stomach. Benefits: You can eat what you want, when you want, and as much as you want. Side effect: You get no nutrition from food, necessitating that one day a week you stop the drug and eat healthy food.
Liagra: This drug enables you to tell lies easily. You can even pass lie detector tests. Will not last more than 4 hours.
EXanax: Mood altering drug for divorcees.
Dope-on-a-Rope: Your stylish new belt holds all your prescription medicines.
XOXO: Makes you irresistible to the opposite sex.
OXOX: Makes you irresistible to the same sex. Recommend storing in different cabinet from XOXO.
ExpungeMySin (generic name xmycin). The wonder drug for all your misdeeds. Manufactured in heaven by God. This amazing pill guarantees forgiveness for all of your sins. Tag line: “Take two tablets, and you don’t have to call Me in the morning.” Black Box Warning: It only works on a spiritual level. It will not help you with your wife, your boss, or law enforcement.
Writer’sUnBlock. When you are stuck at a critical point, and just can’t think of anything, this miracle drug guarantees amazing insights, flashes of inspiration, and bursts of creativity. Works for writing fiction, non-fiction, or comedy. For best results, take just before driving, taking a shower, or wherever you usually come up with ideas. Side effect: Writer’s block can recur after the drug wears off. Repeated use can lead to addiction, dependency, or a Pulitzer Prize.
Bladderall: Your shy and anti-social bladder will become the life of the party when using a public bathroom in the company of strangers. Just one tablet a day, and you’ll be able to achieve that flow when you’re on the go!
Humorphine: For comedians and audiences, relieves the terrible pain of both rejection and bad jokes.
Trainquilizers: Use this before railroad delays give you a heart attack.
Percrochet: Absolute necessity for all knit and purlers.
See-Alice: Not a drug per se, but I’ve seen Alice and that works much better than the pill.
Abracadravir: Essential for successful magicians.
Ascetic acid: Vital supplement for certain orders of monks.
Brotox: Men use this for wrinkles.
Aspenicillin: This protects you from risks on the ski slopes.
Cleptobismol: Cures upset stomach caused by shop lifting.
Skunk Away Nasal Spray: Opens up your sinuses and eliminates all other odors. Now available in striped-squeeze bottles.
SeeAlice: This psychedelic cocktail will cure ED. Side effect: You may become an Alice Cooper junkie.
Morefiend: Mood altering drug that turns any Dr Jekyll into Mr Hyde.