Archive for January, 2015

Hot Events Coming Up

Friday, January 30th, 2015

How to Put Sizzle in Your Presentation! Terry Wall’s free webinar on Thursday, February 5, 2015, at 1:30 pm EST. You’ll recognize Terry’s name. He is a frequent participant in our monthly joke contests and is the First-Place winner of our January 2015 contest. Terry is an experienced presentation skills coach.   Check out his Webinar.

Special Event in Las Vegas: Lady and The Champs. February 28 – March 1, 2015. Featuring Patricia Fripp, Darren LaCroix, Ed Tate, Robert Fripp and Tim Gard. Details.

The Toastmasters International convention is in Las Vegas this year,
August 12-15, 2015.

 

 

Joke Contest Results — Drugs You Can’t Live Without

Sunday, January 25th, 2015

Here are the results of our January Joke Contest.  This month’s contest theme was suggested by long-time blog contributor, and funny guy,  Gerald Fleischmann.

The theme is Drugs You Can’t Live Without.  Submissions create a fictional drug, and make up a description of the properties of that drug.

New Joke contests are announced on the first of the month.  The next contest comes out on February 1, 2015.

** FIRST PLACE **

Jerkoset:  This mood altering drug will give an edge to your tennis game.  Turns timid players into obnoxious, racket-throwing competitors.

Terry Wall, Washington Township, New Jersey

** SECOND PLACE **

Mirror Image:  Helps you to look good no matter how bad you feel.

Sandy Kampner, Evergreen Park, Illinois

** THIRD PLACE **

I’melopinPM: Convinces your honey that tonight’s the night.  Caution:  May cause pregnancy within nine months.

Tom Nee, Oak Lawn, Illinois

** FOURTH PLACE **

Avillify:  Used by prosecutors nationwide.

Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinois

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

Tusk-A-Loosa:  For boxers.  Fixes loose or missing teeth in a jiffy.

Eaterall:  This drug dissolves all food as it enters the stomach. Benefits: You can eat what you want, when you want, and as much as you want.  Side effect: You get no nutrition from food, necessitating that one day a week you stop the drug and eat healthy food.

Liagra: This drug enables you to tell lies easily. You can even pass lie detector tests. Will not last more than 4 hours.

EXanax:  Mood altering drug for divorcees.

Dope-on-a-Rope: Your stylish new belt holds all your prescription medicines.

XOXO:  Makes you irresistible to the opposite sex.

OXOX:  Makes you irresistible to the same sex.  Recommend storing in different cabinet from XOXO.

ExpungeMySin (generic name xmycin). The wonder drug for all your misdeeds. Manufactured in heaven by God. This amazing pill guarantees forgiveness for all of your sins. Tag line: “Take two tablets, and you don’t have to call Me in the morning.” Black Box Warning: It only works on a spiritual level. It will not help you with your wife, your boss, or law enforcement.

Writer’sUnBlock. When you are stuck at a critical point, and just can’t think of anything, this miracle drug guarantees amazing insights, flashes of inspiration, and bursts of creativity. Works for writing fiction, non-fiction, or comedy. For best results, take just before driving, taking a shower, or wherever you usually come up with ideas. Side effect: Writer’s block can recur after the drug wears off. Repeated use can lead to addiction, dependency, or a Pulitzer Prize.

Bladderall:  Your shy and anti-social bladder will become the life of the party when using a public bathroom in the company of strangers.  Just one tablet a day, and you’ll be able to achieve that flow when you’re on the go!

Humorphine:  For comedians and audiences, relieves the terrible pain of both rejection and bad jokes.

Trainquilizers:  Use this before railroad delays give you a heart attack.

Percrochet:  Absolute necessity for all knit and purlers.

See-Alice:  Not a drug per se, but I’ve seen Alice and that works much better than the pill.

Abracadravir:  Essential for successful magicians.

Ascetic acid:  Vital supplement for certain orders of monks.

Brotox:  Men use this for wrinkles.

Aspenicillin:  This protects you from risks on the ski slopes.

Cleptobismol:  Cures upset stomach caused by shop lifting.

Skunk Away Nasal Spray:  Opens up your sinuses and eliminates all other odors.  Now available in striped-squeeze bottles.

SeeAlice:  This psychedelic cocktail will cure ED.  Side effect: You may become an Alice Cooper junkie.

Morefiend:  Mood altering drug that turns any Dr Jekyll into Mr Hyde.

Observational Humor — Case Study #131

Tuesday, January 20th, 2015

Here is another Observational Humor monologue presented at the end of a meeting. We’ll look at the set-up. Then we’ll examine the joke and what made the joke work.

THE SET-UP (What happened and what was said during the meeting before the monologue was delivered.)

1. I joked about how it was difficult to get me to smile. It became a running gag as others started to joke about it too.

2. I ran about two minutes over my 20-minute time limit. The Timer joked that DTM means Don’t Time Me.

3. I wasn’t wearing my usual denim shirt. It was cold outside and I
wore a jacket and a sweatshirt.

4. New member Sid Maestry said his name was pronounced like Pastry.

5. A speaker said we would learn something for posterity.

6. My name was mis-spelled on the agenda: KINDY.

7. Part way from Las Vegas to Los Angeles, there is a freeway exit sign
for ZZYZX Road.

8. The word-of-the-day was Esprit de l’escalier, a French phrase.

9. The Master Evaluator critiqued Jens for mis-pronouncing a member’s name.  “If you do that again Jens, we’ll have to take you out to the parking lot and have you shot.”

THE MONOLOGUE

(Looking at notes, then looking up) Smile!
(I flashed a big phony smile. It good response from the audience.)

Don’t time me.
(I said it slowly, while looking at the Timer. Good response.)

I’m not wearing my denim shirt tonight. I’ve been placed in the witness protection program.
(A good target of humor since I almost always wore my denim shirt. Big
laugh.)

And Sid Maestry is our newest member. Sounds like Pastry. Our club is finally getting its just desserts.  (Good laugh.)

We’ve had several good speeches tonight. I’m sure you’ve picked up a thing or two for your posterior.
(Playing with a sound-alike word for posterity.)

My name was mis-spelled on the agenda. It’s not Kindy…it’s Kindzzyzx.  The Zs and Xs are silent.

(This spelling mistake was made a couple of months earlier, so I
recycled the joke which had worked well before adding a new topper
about the silent letters. It got a good response, but not as big as the first time I used it.)

Humor tip for the day. Do your humor with esprit de l’escalier. It will give it that certain je ne sais quoi.
(We had pronunciation challenges with the word-of-the-day earlier in
the meeting. It provided a good target for a joke.)

Jens. I’ve been designated as the person to take you out to the parking lot.
(Playing the role of the bouncer, it got a good laugh and provided a nice closer.)

Negative Feedback

Tuesday, January 6th, 2015

A newsletter subscriber cancelled their subscription today. That’s not unusual. Every week I get several cancellations and usually about the same number of new subscribers. His/her note was simply the comment: “You’re NOT funny!” That’s not unusual. I’ve received comments like that before. What was unusual was that it’s been about three years since I’ve received a comment like that. It’s not that other subscribers haven’t thought the same thing in the past three years. It’s just that most people are too nice to be so blunt. Of those who cancel their subscriptions, about 90 percent make no comments. Of the 10 percent who leave a comment 99 percent of them usually say something positive or neutral, like: “Don’t have time to read all my mail,” or “changed jobs, newsletter no longer relevant.”

There have been times in the past when a negative comment may have bothered me. But now I’m comfortable with people having their own opinions. And negative feedback is offset by the many fans and followers who appreciate what I do.

Not everyone agrees with my all of my opinions. I don’t like much of modern “music” which in my opinion does not meet the definition of music. But the creators of that “music” live in extravagant mansions. Obviously, millions of people disagree with me. And the music I like, they probably hate. It would be a boring world if everyone were cookie-cutter clones of me.

It’s even more rare that I get blunt feedback after a live presentation. But 15 years ago a member of the audience shared after the program: “I didn’t think you were funny. I didn’t think one thing you said was the least bit funny.” Fortunately most of the audience laughed in all the right spots. My interaction with that audience member has become one of my signature stories.

And the comment I received today is right now becoming a blog post. When life gives you lemons…well, you know what to do.

New Joke Contest — Drugs You Can’t Live Without

Thursday, January 1st, 2015

The theme of the January Joke Contest was suggested by Gerald Fleischmann: Drugs You Can’t Live Without.

Your challenge this month is to come up with a new pharmaceutical drug. You could use some of these to descibe your new product:
– Genric Name
– Trade Name
– What it’s made of
– Prescription or OTC
– Recommended dose
– Benefits
– Side effects
– Cost
– Or other relevant information

Here are some examples:

Freelandia. Enjoy the retirement you’ve always dreamed of. The miracle memory drug costs you nothing until you die. At that time your heirs pay for thedrug with the deed to your home.

BoldLangZine: Works with traditional anti-depression drugs to make you the good old fellow you used to be, which nobody can deny. Sold Over the Counter in the alcoholic beverage department. Don’t forget the party hats and noise makers.

PrimalsKreeem: This amazing cream melts your tension away. Side effect: You may be mistaken for a painting by Edvard Munch.

Scamtastic: The 21st Century cure all. Made from organic free radicals of the Nile Valley Golden Asp. Formerly sold only by salesmen from the back of their van. Now available on the internet.

DawnSurprise (balsalmic tri-phosphorus sulfide). Supercharges your elimintion system overnight.

Write as many lines as you can and then submit your three best lines for top-three recognition by our judges. Send your lines to HumorPowerTips@HumorPower.com not later than January 15, 2015. If you submit more than three lines, the extra lines will be eligible for Honorable Mention.