Contest Results — New National Holidays

It’s time for the best lines of our April Contest. The theme for the month is New National Holidays.

New contests are announced on the first of the month. The next contest will be introduced in the May 1 newsletter.

Here are the top lines for New National Holidays:


National Fiction Day: Not a real holiday

Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinois


National Procrastination Day: To be determined.

Gerald Fleischmann, Fountain Valley, California


Write Backwards Day: 1 LIRPA

Sandy Kampner, Evergreen Park, IL

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

– Calculate Pi Day, 3/14/16. A day that never ends.

– Eat More Butter Day: Put it on everything. Deep fried butter sticks. Great in a cone. Give it 20 seconds in the microwave oven and drink it. Celebrated the day before Healthy Heart Day.

– National Rational Day: Celebrated when it makes sense.

– New Ears Day: Celebrating plastic surgeons.

– Formal Monday. The first Monday of the month. Wear a suit to work.

– National Nothing Day: A holiday from all other holidays.

– Garage Sale Exchange Day: On the first Saturday of May, from the neighbor on your left, you take all their stuff, as the neighbor on your right, takes all your stuff. Children and family pets not included.

– Buy a New Car Day; Every February 29th.

– Road Hog Day: Slow drivers get to put on their Danica Patrick and A.J. Foyt helmets and floor it!

– Illinois voter day: April 7. 1. Vote. 2. Watch the returns. 3. Look in your mailbox for your stipend.

– Groucho Marx Day: Everybody walks and talks like Groucho for 24 hours.

– Kinde Day: April 15th. Every contest entry is a winner today.

– Walk Funny Day: You’ve always wanted to. A stone in your shoe is optional.

– Dennis Day Day: Everybody acts like Dennis Day. Celebrated the day after Gladys Night Night.

– Doc Holliday Holiday: A holiday for doctors.

– It’s Mine Day: On your birthday everything is yours.

– Native Americans Day: Give the U.S. back to the Native Americans to see if they can do better.

– Stay at Home on Your Birthday Because You Are Well Day.

– Chew Out Your Boss Day: Scheduled on your last day at work Buy Something Silly Day, January 26: Help your local merchant unload his overstock of pet rocks, chia animals, and last year’s joke-a-day calendars.

– Contact an Extraterrestrial Day: August 13. They’re all around you.

– Take Your Nukes to Work Day: The day after signing the nuclear treaty with Iran. If signed in April, it will also be April Fool’s Day.

– It Depends Day: Allows you to prevaricate and lie by waffling on any Politicians celebrated daily by politicians.

– March Sadness: Month-long grieving by teams that get bounced form the NCAA basketball tournament on bad referee calls.

– Inauguration Day: Also known as Buyer’s Remorse Day.

– National Procrastination day. Starts May 7,ends August 16.

– National Funny Day. On this day, people who think they are funny actually must be funny.

– National Straight line day. Celebrated on 1-11 – National Defense Industry Day: Tanksgiving.

– Celebrating longer days for personal grooming: Daylight Shavings Time.

– National Geography Day. Customer service line personnel must tell you their actual location.

– New Ears Day. Celebrating plastic surgeons.

– Holiday Recovery Day. The first weekday after January 1. You get a day off to recover from the holidays.

– March Sadness Day. The day after the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament. If your team lost, you get the day off to recover from the disappointment. If your team won, you get the day off to celebrate. If you didn’t fill out a bracket, you are obviously working too hard, so you get the day off as well.