Archive for July, 2015

Joke Contest Results — Sounds Like

Monday, July 27th, 2015

It’s time for the results of our July joke contest.

The feedback from our readers was that it was one of our most difficult contests.

The theme of the contest was:  Sounds Like

New contests are announced on the first of the month.

Look for the next contest on August 1, 2015

Here are the top entries.

** FIRST PLACE **

The sound of my son’s set of drums falling over a cliff:  Bah dump bump.

Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinios

** SECOND PLACE **

The sound of cashing my paycheck:  Clinkety clink.

Sandy Kampner, Evergreen Park, Illinois

** THIRD PLACE **

A costume malfunction on TV: Sounds like a million eyebrows raising in unison.

Gerald Fleishmann, Fountain Valley, California

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

Upon encountering a snake under my house…the sound I make exiting: Thump, thump, thump, thump.

My first expression upon falling into an open septic tank: Oh crap…

Siblings: Stop touching me! Poke, poke, poke.

Reporting from California, the sound of rain: Oops…forgot what it sounds like!

The sound after my wife’s big announcement:  You’re WHAT!

The sound of me after a weekend bender: I know I work around here somewhere.

Sound of my teen learning to drive: Screech screech screech BUMP.

The sound of going on the wagon: Glug, glug, as you pour your best booze down the drain.

The sound after hearing Honey I’m pregnant:  A pregnant pause.

The sound of mowing a lawn that hasn’t been mowed lately:  Where’s Fluffy?

Love at first sight. That sound you hear is common sense leaving your body.

As I get out of bed in the morning, my back snaps, crackles, and pops.  Sounds like what I’m having for breakfast.

The hushed buzzing sound in the air are all the secrets from people who promised they’d keep it a secret.

That rumbling sound underground is all our ancestors turning over in their graves.

The gymnast’s son checking out his dad’s bed. Sproing, sproing, sproing.

The silence sounds of a wise husband even though he is right.

The sound of my palm hitting my forehead when after ten minutes I finally find my sunglasses on top of my head: Thwack!

Huckabee trashing Jeb: Bushwhack.

Operating Sonar while playing a college drinking game: Ping-pong.

Shooting the hair that covers your forehead: Bang-bang.

American Pharoah declining to run at Saratoga:  Neigh.

Hillary taking the tough questions: The Sounds of Silence.

Hillary opposing the Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP): Flip-flop.

Smoking pot while operating Sonar: Ping-bong.

The sound of my brain writing jokes: ha, ha ha, eh, ugh, oh no! hee hee, hahahahaha…yeah, that one!

Top Ten List

Wednesday, July 22nd, 2015

I miss David Letterman and his Top Ten Lists. If he were still making his nightly appearances, we would probably see something funnier than this:

Ten Things We’re Waiting for Trump to Say

“I didn’t say anything about John McCain. The creature on my head is a ventriloquist.”

“What I said was that McCain liked to serve greek sandwiches and that doesn’t make him a Gyro.”

“I called John McCain to tell him I was joking. He said that he prefers
jokes that weren’t shot down.”

“I may not have been in the military, but I have experience in combat.
Rosie scratched me with her fingernails and I pulled some of her hair
out.”

“I admit, I shot myself in he foot. I’m hoping that makes me a hero.
That was a joke. The hero part was just a joke.”

“I’d consider being a Vice Presidential nominee in 2016, if Palin doesn’t
take the slot.”

“I auditioned for Last Comic Standing. At the end of the pilot episode
the producer said: You’re Fired!”

“I had a humor writer on my staff. I’ve revised the job description to
include the word FUNNY.”

“My first choice for running mate would be Rosie…if only she’d kiss my
ring…which I carry in my back pocket.”

“I am the professional wrestler of politics.”

“They’re making a documentary about my campaign. Mission
Impossible…Trump for President. Should you accept this mission, your
party will self-destruct in 60 seconds.”

Political Humor

Sunday, July 19th, 2015

Trump in the spotlight. His statement about McCain: “He was a hero because he was captured. I like people who weren’t captured.”

Trump’s problems were
– that he let his feud with McCain get the best of him,
– that he was trying too hard to be funny,
– that he was speaking before thinking,
– that he was ignoring the fact that when you get shot down, it’s less a case of wrong-place at the wrong-time, and it’s more a case of having volunteered to be in a place of danger.
– that he shot himself in the foot, which does not make him a hero.

Advice to politicians:
– Think before you speak.
– Don’t be a humor terrorist. Bombing will get you nowhere.
– Avoid the humor penalty box. Issuing an apology one hour later is not good politics.
– When you’re rich and famous, your opponents will be waiting in line to attack you.
– The harder you try to be funny, the less funny you’ll be. That’s a rule of the improv stage.
– Unless you have the gift of instantaneous humor, plan your spontaneous humor remarks in advance, written by a staff of humor experts more talented than you. Late-night talk-show hosts don’t wing it when giving their monologues. They are among the most talented humor experts in the country, and they rely on a team of professional writers to make them look good.
– Look for opportunities to poke fun at yoursself. Self-deprecating humor rarely needs an apology. Reagan had a reputation for good humor. Many of his memorable lines were self-deprecating. In a debate with Mondale he made fun of his age: “I will not make age an issue in this campaign. I will not exploit, for political purposes, my opponent’s youth and inexperience.” When he was shot, his words to Nancy at the hotpital were: “Honey I fogot to duck.” Jokingly taking responsibility for getting hit. And to the doctors: “I hope you are all Republicans.” One of the most powerful leaders in the world, joking that the doctors had the power.
– Winging it may be fun and exciting, but it’s probably not the path to the White House.

PowerHouse Pros Roast

Wednesday, July 15th, 2015

Our PowerHouse Pros Toastmasters Roast was about two weeks ago. The edited video is now ready! Special thanks to Philip Dahlheimer for his video expertise in shooting and editing the program. The final edited program  runs one hour.   So bring you popcorn.

Carolyn Pelletier was a wonderful Roast Master. And our Roasters hit the mark: George Gilbert, Bill Parker, Melanie Hope, Ryan Mulligan, Jens Norgaard, Karen Lewison, Bobby Williams, Al Jensen, Beverly Rideout, Greg Bruce, Linda Evans, and Scott Pritchard.  It’s an honor to have such a great group of friends.   Thank you for a fun and memorable evening.

Click here to watch the Roast.

10 Ways to Know You Are Old

Tuesday, July 7th, 2015

My Mother’s birthday was last month.   She will be 90.  She is a healthy and active 90.  It was a nice celebration and  a family gathering.  We scheduled entertainment for the party.  I opened with some humor, including a Top-Ten list.

TEN WAYS TO KNOW YOU ARE OLD

10.  You know you are old…when the Pope is closer to your son’s age than he is to yours.

9.  You know you are old…when people who are in their 70s today are too young to recognize the names of movie stars, singers and comics who were popular when you were in high school.

8.  You know you are old…when you carry two gallons of water from the car into the house and it pulls the wrinkles out of your face.

7.  You know you are old…when people who were in their early 60s when you were born…are people who were alive the day Lincoln was assassinated.

6.  You know you are old…when your children are no longer considered middle-aged.

5. You know you are old…when you no longer gossip about your friend’s secrets, because you can’t remember them.

4.  You know you are old…when you refuse to use a cane because it will make you look old.

3.  Your know you are old…when your elderly son drives over to your house to tell you that YOU shouldn’t be driving.

2.  You’re know you are old…when they recall your La-Z-Boy chair so they can relable it a La-Z-Girl.

And the number one way you know you’re old…is when you HATE walking into your office because you can’t remember WHY you walked into your office.

*****

Here are five lines I did not use.  There are some good lines here, but I tried to put lines in the top-ten list that had the greatest ring of truth.  Comic license would allow us to stretch the truth, but I lean toward sticking close to the truth when using customized material.

A.  You know you are old…when signing for a 30-year mortgage is considered a scam. (She has not signed a 30-year mortgage.)

B.  You know you are old…when you love cooking with wine and you don’t even need a glass. (She is not a drinker.  A fairly generic line, not exactly in line with a list of aging jokes.)

C  You know you are old…when people no longer think of you as a hypochondriac. (This one came close to making the top ten. She has never been considered a hypochondriac, but has been a “health nut” for decades.)

D.  You know you’re old…when your sons frequently talk about constipation, Medicare and other people’s operations.  (This is a good line. I have joked with friends about talking health issues more as we age.  A younger brother has had a hip replacement, and I need one.)

E.  You know you’re old…when you look up old in the dictionary and see your picture.  (Cliché.  An old joke.)