10 Ways to Know You Are Old

My Mother’s birthday was last month.   She will be 90.  She is a healthy and active 90.  It was a nice celebration and  a family gathering.  We scheduled entertainment for the party.  I opened with some humor, including a Top-Ten list.

TEN WAYS TO KNOW YOU ARE OLD

10.  You know you are old…when the Pope is closer to your son’s age than he is to yours.

9.  You know you are old…when people who are in their 70s today are too young to recognize the names of movie stars, singers and comics who were popular when you were in high school.

8.  You know you are old…when you carry two gallons of water from the car into the house and it pulls the wrinkles out of your face.

7.  You know you are old…when people who were in their early 60s when you were born…are people who were alive the day Lincoln was assassinated.

6.  You know you are old…when your children are no longer considered middle-aged.

5. You know you are old…when you no longer gossip about your friend’s secrets, because you can’t remember them.

4.  You know you are old…when you refuse to use a cane because it will make you look old.

3.  Your know you are old…when your elderly son drives over to your house to tell you that YOU shouldn’t be driving.

2.  You’re know you are old…when they recall your La-Z-Boy chair so they can relable it a La-Z-Girl.

And the number one way you know you’re old…is when you HATE walking into your office because you can’t remember WHY you walked into your office.

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Here are five lines I did not use.  There are some good lines here, but I tried to put lines in the top-ten list that had the greatest ring of truth.  Comic license would allow us to stretch the truth, but I lean toward sticking close to the truth when using customized material.

A.  You know you are old…when signing for a 30-year mortgage is considered a scam. (She has not signed a 30-year mortgage.)

B.  You know you are old…when you love cooking with wine and you don’t even need a glass. (She is not a drinker.  A fairly generic line, not exactly in line with a list of aging jokes.)

C  You know you are old…when people no longer think of you as a hypochondriac. (This one came close to making the top ten. She has never been considered a hypochondriac, but has been a “health nut” for decades.)

D.  You know you’re old…when your sons frequently talk about constipation, Medicare and other people’s operations.  (This is a good line. I have joked with friends about talking health issues more as we age.  A younger brother has had a hip replacement, and I need one.)

E.  You know you’re old…when you look up old in the dictionary and see your picture.  (Cliché.  An old joke.)