Humor Power

Our July Joke Contest is a spin-off of our Tiny Homes contest in June.

It’s time to explore the opposite angle of home size:  The Big House!

The classic cliche is that a home is so big it has its own zip code or area code.  That could be slanted to:  My home is so big it has three micro-climates.

Here are three other angles to jump-start your thinking:

  - My house is so big, my mother-in-law can visit for two weeks and I never see her.

  - My single-story house is so big it has three elevators.

  - My house is so big that the front yard is in California and the back yard is in Hawaii.  You should see the pool.

Put on your humor hat and get to work.  Write as many lines as you can.  Set them aside and revisit them a couple of days later.  Rewrite and refine.  Look for funnier words.  Submit your best lines to HumorPowerTips@HumorPower.com by July 31, 2008.

Here are the result of our Tiny Home Joke Contest.  The theme was suggested by Steve and Erin Pavlina.

Look for our next contest: The Big House!

Our Cartoon Caption Contests are announced on the first of the month and our Joke Contests are announced in the middle of the month.

Now it’s time for our top lines:

** FIRST PLACE **

I like it, but it’s a little snug. Does it come in 10.5 in brown suede?
     Roland Taub, Houston, Texas, USA

** SECOND PLACE **

Not a typo. It is square inches.
     Arun K, Chennai, India

** THIRD PLACE **

Great walk-in closet. I’m dying to see the rest of the place.
     Keith Connes, Goleta, California, USA

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

  - The front door and the back door are the same door.
  - The living room set was made by Mattel.
  - I think you could get more square-footage, for less, simply by committing a felony.
  - It’s really all about location…there is nothing else left.
  - So…how long have we been stuck in the elevator? Oops, sorry I guess didn’t notice there were no buttons next to your door.
  - We hired a closet organizer to decorate our new apartment.
  - Ad on Craigslist: Looking for a roommate who could share the rent and has an alternative place to live on Wed-Fri.
  - This must be the 7-dwarf’s guest bungalow.
  - Honey, I shrunk the house.
  - A realtor to a prospect:  This house was designed and owned by a famous movie star…Yoda.
  - I built a house like this once.  Of course, I was 6 and it was made of Lincoln Logs.
  - Besides a microwave oven, it has a microwave refrigerator, a microwave toaster, and a microwave hot tub.
  - The refrigerator dairy section can only hold Condensed Milk and Quarter-&-Quarter Cream.
  - “I won’t have THIS breathe all our oxygen tonight” said hubby…and then he took away my parsley mini-pot.
  - My home is so small that the home security system is a soldier ant.
  - You are so full of hot air that you can heat the whole house with one breath.
  - Heating bill? Nah, we just light a candle.
  - My home is so small we use it when we play Monopoly.

Steve Pavlina and Erin Pavlina suggested the Tiny Home contest theme.  Here are some more of their lines:

  - Look, when I stand here, I’m in four different rooms at once.
  - When we look out our window in Las Vegas, we can see the back of the wall you see out your window in Manhattan.
  - How much of the leftovers do we need to eat before we can fit them in your fridge?
  - My coffee cup won’t fit on your coffee table. I should have bought an espresso.
  - When you go to bed, do you sleep with the lid open or closed?
  - Why does it smell like sardines in here?
  - When you meet a neighbor in the hallway, who has to back up?
  - We like how your apartment mandates that when one door closes, another door opens.
  - Does my purse count as a carry-on bag?
  - Did you just move in? The directory still lists your apartment as belonging to Frodo.
  - We just met your neighbors in the hallway:  Happy, Sleepy, and Dopey.
  - Can you verify that your address is Apt 416-3/158ths?
  - Why did a computer voice just announce that we only have 30 minutes of oxygen remaining?

It’s time for the July Cartoon Caption Contest featuring the artwork of professional cartoonist Dan Rosandich.

Our caption contests are announced on the first of the month.

Our joke contests are announced on the 15th of the month.

Here is this month’s cartoon and one possible caption:

I know it’s not a car, Mikey, but it does have GPS.

Challenge yourself to create five captions. If that’s easy, try ten captions. Select your best lines and submit them to HumorPowerTips@HumorPower.com by July 20, 2008.

Dan Rosandich can create custom artwork for your next project, book, website, newsletter, T-shirt, and more. Visit his web site!

Here are the results from our Grim News Cartoon Caption Contest featuring the artwork of professional cartoonist Dan Rosandich.

Our next caption contest will be announced on July 1.

Check out our June Joke Writing Contest — Tiny Homes.

And now, here are our top captions:

** FIRST PLACE **

Due to the news readers’ strike, we are operating with a skeleton crew.
     Andy Dolphin, Mount Barker, Western Australia

** SECOND PLACE **

I’ll bet you’re wondering why you’re getting this newscast on every channel.
     S Frank Stringham, Las Vegas, Nevada, USA

** THIRD PLACE **

Fred Reaper here, with today’s report on The Housing Market.
     Sol Morrison, Santa Barbara, California, USA

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

…so I said to him, scythe does matter.  And he sai,…oh, we’re back on in 5, 4, 3…

Your regular anchorman will not be joining you tonight…or ever.

A serial reaper was apprehended this evening in an old folks home.

For those of you who wrote in to make comments about my weight and my hairstyle, I have obviously tried to streamline my look.

Welcome to EXPIRED TV.

This is your friendly host telling you the die is cast.

The Weather is Bone Chillin cold this week.

And in Sports Barry Bones has hit another walk off homer.

And tonight I bring you an update of my in-depth research on fad diets.

Could we fix the lights?  It’s making me look pale and thin.

I would like to announce that I have switched careers from horseman to anchorman.

And now for the obituaries, or as I like to call it, my client list.

I will be taking over for Brendan today, who is resting on my doorstep as we speak.

Let’s break for lunch, I’m starving to death.

***Buzzzz**** ***Buzzz**** ****Buzzz**** This is your local cable comapny emergency signal test. This is only a test…Unless there is a skeleton news anchor on your screen.

General Motors announced today that Hummer is coming out with a new model that gets a half mile to the gallon.

You’ll die when  you hear this one.
 
For the rest of the news log on to our website. I am late for my son’s halloween party. I gotta run.

And now for sports-related deaths we move to Bob at the sports-desk.

And now, for the first part of our Special Two-Part Report on Death And Taxes.

And now for more good news from the Surgeon General.

Coming up after the break the newest breakthrough in the anti-aging revolution.
 
Hurry up and get the makeup crew on him. We’re going to be on the air in less than 60 seconds.

I’m happy to report that the world has come to an end.

And after these messages, we’ll return to day 197 of our continuing coverage of the nuclear conflict.

Coming up:  The brains shortage has thousands of area zombies worried about how to feed their families.

And in other news, a local man says Soylent Green is people.

And in some sad news, I am sorry to report, in that fiery bus crash on the turnpike today, all 66 passengers survived.

We’ve got hurricanes and tornados in the forecast for tomorrow so make sure you take the kids, get out there early, and check them out.

To be politically correct, I am neither grim nor am I a reaper.

And now for the weather…the extended forecast calls for below average temperatures;  leaving me chilled to the bone.

*****************

For information on how Dan Rosandich can help you with custom cartoons and artwork for your book, articles, website, T-shirts and more, visit his cartoon website.

Steve and Erin Pavlina came up with some jokes after visiting a friend’s tiny Manhattan apartment. “We shared our funny lines with our friend and another person who lives in the same building. They laughed nervously because some of these lines aren’t far from the truth. They pay about 10 times per square foot what homes in Las Vegas sell for.”

After looking at their jokes, I thought it would make a great theme for a contest…Tiny Homes.  They sent me about 20 lines.  I’ll share three of them with you to show you where the theme could take you.  After the contest I’ll show you some of their other lines:

  - At least you only have to change one light bulb.

  - I didn’t know Bonsai made furniture.

  -  You put your right foot in. You put your right foot out. Well, that’s it for the apartment tour!

Now it’s time for YOU to come up with some one liners on the theme of Tiny Home.  Put on your creativity cap and go to work.  Initially, write everything down…even the lines you don’t like.  Then set your initial brainstorm effort aside and come back to it later.  Edit.  Take out the unnecessary words.  Substitute funnier words.  Select your best lines and submit them to HumorPowerTips@HumorPower.com by June 29, 2008.

Our Joke Writing Contest for last month was Corporate Sponsors.

Our next contest will be announced June 15.

Our Cartoon Caption Contest is announced on the first of each month.  This month’s cartoon has been a popular one.

Here are the top lines from Quirky Corporate Sponsors.

** FIRST PLACE **

The Umpire Hall of Fame brought to you by LensCrafters.
     Kris Huffman, Bethany, Oklahoma, USA

** SECOND PLACE **

Mafia backs securities brokerage house and it becomes: Merrill Lynch Mob.
     Nancy Lininger, Camarillo, California, USA

** THIRD PLACE **

San Francisco-Oakland E-Bay Bridge.
     Harold Boje, San Francisco, California, USA

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

  - Political humorist supports San Francisco landmark and renames it:  The Palace of Fine Art Buchwald.

  - Chocolate manufacturer infuses capital into the US Treasury and it becomes The Hershey’s Mint.

  - Automaker keeps the tax collector solvent and it’s promoted as Dodge IRS.

  - Morton’s Great Salt Lake.

  - Orange Julius Caesar’s Palace.

It’s time for the June Cartoon Caption Contest featuring the artwork of professional cartoonist Dan Rosandich???????? ????? ????????.

We announce new Cartoon Caption Contests on the first of each month.

And our Joke Contests are announced on the 15th.

Let’s look at this month’s cartoon and three sample captions to get your imagination running.

Stay tuned for The Five People You Meet In Heaven…except on the West Coast.

And always remember…today is the last day of the rest of your life.

And for those of you whose bucket list contains “watching one more newscast”…this is it.

To Enter The Contest

1.  Challenge yourself to write at least three captions.  If you find that easy to do…write ten.

2.  Set your first effort aside for a day or two.

3.  Rewrite and improve your lines.

4.  Select your best lines and submit them to HumorPowerTips@HumorPower.com by June 15, 2008.

Visit the Cartoon Web Site of Dan Rosandich for information on custom cartoons for your book, speech, newsletter, T-shirts, and more!

Here are the top lines from our Credit Union Cartoon Caption Contest.

Visit the site of our artist, Dan Rosandich, to see how easy it is to have cartoons customized for your next special project.

Our new caption contest will be posted tomorrow.

Look for our new joke contest on June 15.

And now, here are the top entries selected by our panel of judges.

** FIRST PLACE **

Lady, if I wanted to be robbed, I’d have gone to a bank.
     Les Harden, Brisbane, Australia

** SECOND PLACE **

If I don’t get that loan to buy myself a diamond earring, all the guys at the truck stop will think I’m a wimp.
     Sol Morrison, Santa Barbara, California, USA

** THIRD PLACE **

Wow, that’s really a rich men’s club!  401K plan?  I don’t even have 3K now.
     Grant Pan, Wilton, Connecticut, USA

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

- But without this loan…I can’t pay your last loan. 
- And make sure your repossession agents don’t come before 10:00 am.
- I need that loan today! I have a video chat with my online girlfriend tonight and she thinks I’m only 28.
- I’m sorry, I just can’t give you any credit.  I already saw that joke on HumorPower.com.
- What do you mean I have to roll over my “Cool Biker Dudes” 401K account to the “Old Biker Dudes” account?
- I just want you to credit me for all the years I lost to drugs.
- 22% interest isn’t good enough for us to start a loving relationship.
- In my day, money was worth much more than gasoline.

The theme for our May Joke Writing Contest is Quirky Corporate Sponorships.

It’s common these days to see a corporation’s name on a facility as trade for a financial contribution.  It’s a form of advertising.  For example: 
Qualcomm Stadium in San Diego
Cox Pavilion in Las Vegas
Staples Center in Los Angeles

What if Tinker Stadium in Orlando picked up a new sponsor and became Tinker Toy Stadium?

What if the federal government decided to balance the national budget by finding sponsors for buildings in Washington DC?  You could visit The White Castle House.  And while you were there you could tour The Ovaltine Office, The Lincoln Log Bedroom and the Bose Garden.

What kind of corporate sponsorships can you come up with?  Switch on your imagination. 

Collect your best lines and submit them to HumorPowerTips@HumorPower.com by May 30, 2008.

It’s time for the results from our April Quirky Sports Teams joke contest.

New joke contests are announced on the 15th of the month.

New cartoon caption contests are announced on the first of the month.

Here are the top lines:

** FIRST PLACE **

A cricket team with a vitamin C deficiency — The Rickety Crickets
     Martyn Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinois, USA

** SECOND PLACE **

A team of spendthrifts who like to max out their credit cards — The Sans Dinero Chargers
     Takeshi Young, San Jose, California, USA

** THIRD PLACE **

Texan hot air balloon racers — The Ballast Cowboys
     Abel Goddard, Cedar Hill, Texas, USA

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

- A team of cooks from Kansas — The Kansas City Chefs
- A team of sluggards from Wisconsin — The Green Bay Slackers
- A team of forest navigators — The Oak Land Radars
- A team who uses second-hand uniforms — The Old Jersey Nets
- A team of barbers from LA — The Los Angeles Clippers
- A racecar team of drug junkies — The Speed Racers
- A basketball team of stock market investors — The Chicago Bulls and Bears
- A fishing team of geometricians — The Right Anglers
- An olympic team of Polish athletes — The Pole Vaulters
- A skating team who lives dangerously — The Thin Ice Skaters
- An olympic team of small golfers — The Short Putters
- An equistrian team of underwear models — The Jockeys
- A body building team of lewd and vulgar musclemen — The Bawdy Builders
- A boardgame team of oriental inspectors — The Chinese Checkers
- A darts team of star wars fans — the Dart Vaders
- A Czechoslovakian basketball team for fraud artists — The Czech Bouncers
- The Bear-Stearns Downhill Racers
- A baseball team of Ohio communists — The Cincinnati Reds
- A debating team of entomologists — The Tick Talkers
- A bowling team of fast, accurate bowlers –  The Lightning Strikes
- A football team for East Coast comedians — The New York Jests
- A baseball team of landscapers — The Houston Astro-turfs
- A baseball team for oil well owners — The San Antonio Spurts
- A football team for crazy people — The Baltimore Raven-Maniacs
- A Bicycle club for old maids — The Spinsters
- Hang Gliding for Pedicurists — The Hang Nail Gliders