Humor Power

It’s time for our Cartoon Caption Contest for the month of May.  We feature the art of professional cartoonist Dan Rosandich.

New Cartoon Caption Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).

New Joke Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).  The next Joke Contest is June 1, 2012.

Here is the cartoon:

Write as many captions as you can.  Then select your best three captions and submit them.  You can submit more than three lines, the extra lines will be eligible for honorable mention.  Only your first three lines will be judged by our panel of judges for first, second and third place.

Select and submit your best entries, and your city/state/country, by May 15, 2012, to HumorPowerTips@HumorPower.com

Visit cartoonist Dan Rosandich who has an extensive and in-depth archive of categorized cartoons and cartoon pictures available for licensing at negotiable fees.

Here are the results of our April contest–Reality TV Shows We Don’t Want to See.  The winners were selected by our panel of seven judges (speakers and improv players).

New Joke Contests are announced on the first of the month (alternating months).

New Cartoon Caption Contests are announced on the first of the month (alternating months).  The next caption contest is May 1, 2012.
 
Here are this month’s top lines:

** FIRST PLACE **

Cat Whisperer:  Contenders try convincing felines to do anything at all on command.
     Gerald Fleischmann, Fountain Valley, California

** SECOND PLACE **

Are You Smarter than a Road Grader?  Man vs machine.
     Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinois

** THIRD PLACE **

The Applicant:  Watch people fill out application forms.
     David Novick, Dayton, Ohio

HONORABLE MENTION (In random order)

  – A-Maize-In Race:  Farmers are timed making their way thru a cornfield.
  – CROPS:  Whatcha gonna chew–whatcha gonna chew when they come for you.
  – Fair Factor:  4H Team Swine goes head-to-head against Team Dairy Cattle.
  – Real House-husbands of Omaha:  The unvarnished stories of the mister- Moms of the Midwest.
  – Judge Booty:  Legal dominatrix punishes and rewards plaintiffs and defendants with serious spanks.
  – Beverly Hills approximately 90210:  Starlets try to guess their own zip code.
  – America’s Next Top Depilatory:  Watch contestants get rid of unwanted facial hair.
  – The Real World of Keeping up with the Kardashians in Big Brother’s Queer Eye for the Straight Bachelor’s Simple Life.
  – America’s Next Top Model Prisoner : Trya Bankjob hosts while 14 hopefuls vie for the title.
  – Spell’s Kitchen: A favorite at Hogwarts.
  – Vegas, With No Money:  Contestants spend a week in Vegas, with no money.
  – The Biggest Hoosier:  Weight loss competition in Indiana.
  – Dance Fiver:  America’s best dancers compete for $5.00.
  – Fear Factory:  Who can survive the assembly line for 8 hours plus 2 hours of overtime?
  – Last Comic Writing:  Who will take first place in the Humor Power contest?
  – Feel or No Feel:  A firewalking competition.
  – Satisfactory Makeover:  Watch as dowdy women are transformed into less dowdy women.
  – Family Plotz:  America’s funniest funerals on tape.
  – Jon and Katy plus Eighty: The daily life of what may be the most prolific couple in the world and their four-score kids.
  – Myth Boosters:  Two scientists visit ancient sites trying to prove the existence of various Greek and Roman gods, thus angering the Persian and African gods.
  – American Pickles:  Two gherkin experts scour the Midwestern U.S. for the best pickle.
  – Iditarod Truckers:  Reality show featuring big rigs traveling through the wilds of Alaska, being pulled by hundreds of huskies.
  – Hell’s Bathroom:  Really angry janitor lords it over contestants trying to get the cleanest porcelain appliances.
  – Wide World of Shorts:  Visits to different beach resorts run by Over Eaters Anonymous.
  – The Hunger Games:  Young female contestants try to reach size 0.
  – The Sloth Whisperer:  Tune in next month for another exciting episode.
  – Extreme Makeover–Kardashian Edition:  Hey, this one is already cancelled.
  – Catch It And You Keep It:  Major appliances are tossed from the roof of a 10-story building to contestants below.
  – The Unger Games:  Contestants try to act as obnoxious as neat freak Felix Unger.
  – Dancing With The Scars:  Accident-prone dancers try again.
  – CROPS:  Following the exciting lives of  Wheat farmers in Kansas.  Featuring the hit single Farm Boys (Farm Boys, Farm Boys.  Whatcha gonna do.  Whatcha gonna do when the Combine’s down).
  – The Amazing Race To Witch Mountain:  The losing teams get abducted by aliens.
  – Amazing Face:  Six two-person teams, each with one ugly person and one cosmetic surgeon, race to make the most beautiful improvement.  Prizes for fastest cut-up, and most weight lost.
  – Answer Men:  Who can provide the most accurate answer to “will that tree fall on me?”
  – America’s Got Talon:  Search for the best impersonator of birds of prey.
  – The Trulywed Game:  Couples married for 20 years or more compete for prizes like all expense paid trips, cars and divorces.
  – Keeping Up With the Cardigans:  Daily adventures of young, sweater-wearing ladies who are famous for being famous.
  – The People’s Skirt:  Judge Wapner decides whose skirt is too short.
  – The App Apprentice:  Amateurs compete to devise the best new smart phone tools.
  – Ready For Viewing:  Morticians compete to see who can create the most lifelike viewing.

The theme for this month’s Joke Contest is:  Reality TV Shows We Don’t Want to See. 

New Joke Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).

New Cartoon Caption Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).  The next caption contest is May 1, 2012.

The Reality Shows, which you make up, could include competition type shows like the Amazing Race.  Or 24/7 camera shows which pretend to document “real life”…like Wife Swap.  Not included would be scripted Sit-Com or Drama Shows.

Here are some examples of what you might come up with:

Dancing with the Cars
Contestants tango across a busy street dodging traffic.

A Spinet to Win It
Contestants take apart and then re-assemble a piano while blindfolded.

Campaign Survivor
Winner-take-all debate format where politicians write their answers on an Etch-A-Sketch.

Write as many humor lines as you can.  Then select your best lines and submit them.  If you submit more than three, the extra lines will be eligible for honorable mention.  Only your first three will be evaluated by our panel of judges for first, second and third place.

Select and submit your best entries, and your city/state/country, by April  15, 2012, to HumorPowerTips@HumorPower.com

Here are the results of the March Cartoon Caption Contest–Witch Brew.  The top lines were selected by our panel of ten judges (speakers and improv players).  We feature the artwork of professional cartoonist Dan Rosandich.

New Cartoon Caption Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).

New Joke Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).   The next Joke Contest is April 1, 2012.

Here are the top captions for this month’s contest:

** FIRST PLACE **

Sure, I could have put in some flies…but you said you’re a vegetarian.
     Sol Morrison, Santa Barbara, California

** SECOND PLACE **

You must have misunderstood.  We call it green energy because it turns you into a frog.
     Terry Wall, Washington Township, New Jersey

** THIRD PLACE **

If you can swallow the entire cauldron, Newt, I guarantee the primary voters will swallow anything.
     Tom Nee, Oak Lawn, Illinois

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

  – Nothin’ says lovin’ like somethin’ from my coven!
  – You should have paid attention when your friend got turned into a little horse.
  – If you think you can fix a better soup, jump right in.
  – Listen, Newt, I don’t care if it’s an iPhone, an iPad, or an iBall.  The recipe calls for an eye of Newt.  So hand it over!
  – Now I can’t go anywhere without being recognized.
  – Well, that didn’t go well at all!
  – I can make you a better looking toad, that’s about it.
  – You didn’t read the job description, did ya, hon?
  – Lets work on finding the princess, shall we?
  – What did you expect when you went to an unlicensed witch who graduated from a fly-by-night school?
  – You should have known better that to use a witch with no malpractice insurance.
  – But, I really AM a princess.  Kissing you was supposed to turn YOU into a PRINCE.
  – Yes, it makes you ugly, but it’s low in saturated fat.
  – I’ll make you a potion, Newt, but are you really sure you want to be president?
  – Have your lawyer call my lawyer.
  – Bubble bubble boil and bubble
    Ear of rat and eye of Newt
    Get into the cauldon frog in a suit.

Visit cartoonist Dan Rosandich who has an extensive and in-depth archive of categorized cartoons and cartoon pictures available for licensing at negotiable fees.

We quietly passed a milestone a couple of months ago.  In March, 2012, we featured Contest Number 103.  Contests would be rather dull without the participation of our readers.  Many thanks to the thousands of readers who have submitted joke lines and cartoon captions over the years.

Participating in the contests is like going to the gym.  Writing funny lines helps strengthen your creativity and makes it more likely you’ll be able to uncover a humor gem in your next speech.

Congratulations to our contest leaders.

WIN — Those with the most First-Place recognitions (NINE each):
Gary Bachman
Marty Bernstein

WIN PLACE SHOW — Those who have Placed either 1st, 2nd, or 3rd:

PLACED TWENTY or more times:
Les Harden
Nancy Lininger (our leader who has placed 25 times)
Tom Nee

PLACED FIVE or more times:
Gary Bachman
Marty Bernstein
Gerald Fleischmann
Sol Morrison
Arun Ramkumar
Jim Spero
Cindy Tebo
Darin Thompson
Terry Wall

PLACED ONE OR MORE TIMES
110 Readers from eleven countries

Thanks to all for spreading laughter around the world.  Your participation is what makes the contest a winner for everyone!

It’s time for the results of our February Joke Contest — Being Single. 

New Joke Contests are announced on the first of the month (alternating months).

New Cartoon Caption Contests are announced on the first of the month (alternating months).  The next caption contest is March 1, 2012.

Here are this month’s top lines:

** FIRST PLACE **

Being single is like garbage.  You start out with value, you get used, you get tossed, and you end up in the dumps.

     Nancy Lininger, Camarillo, California

** SECOND PLACE **

Being single is like puffing on a cigar.  You might enjoy it, but it’s tough to convince others around you that you really mean it.

     Gerald Fleischmann, Fountain Valley, California

** THIRD PLACE **

Being single is like carrying a very long 2×4.  If no one is on the other end it’s just a drag.

     Tom Nee, Oak Lawn, Illinois

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

  – Being single is like Nevada.  A little stretch of wild ecstasy surrounded by miles and miles of desert.
  – Being single is like a fire. You get hot, then someone sprays water all over you.
  – Being single is like being Jewish. It’s much cheaper at Christmas time.
  – Being single is like the best way to win Wimbledon. Otherwise you have to share the trophy with your partner and you get fewer strawberries.
  – Being single is like Hot Chocolate. You can have it whenever you want, its warm and cozy and there is not a hint of bitterness involved
  – Being single is like a computer.  Someone may give you a virus.
  – Being single is like being married, nobody listens to you.
  – Being single is like fish out of water, after a few days it really starts to stink.
  – Being single is like watching reruns of Jersey Shore. It gets old after awhile.
  – Being single is like having basic cable.  You miss all the good stuff.
  – Being single is like have a bad run at the casino slot machines.  You don’t get lucky as often.
  – Being single is like riding a teeter-totter by yourself.  You never get off the ground.
  – Being single is like flunking a test.  You have to do it over and over again until you get it right.
  – Being single is like being Sir Edmund Hillary.  You’re always looking for the next conquest.
  – Being single is like performing before a hostile audience at the comedy club.  There’s no one to laugh at your corny jokes.
  – Being single is like being a little kid again.  All of a sudden your bed is too big.
  – Being single is like drinking half a glass of warm water.  It’s less filling and tastes lousy.
  – Being single is like Las Vegas.  The longer you stay there, the lower your chances of winning big.
  – Being single is like playing Canasta.  You spend a lot of time waiting for something to happen, even though you have your hands full most always.
  – Being single is like riding a unicycle.  If you have no sense of balance, you won’t get very far.
  – Being single is like being a puppy.  Lots of fun, but easy to get into big trouble.
  – Being single is like when you realize the wink you thought was for you was for the person behind you.
  – Being single is like when the only spooning you ever did was licking your Mom’s after the Betty Crocker mix was ready to go in the oven.
  – Being single is like the lone unmatched sock dangling out the drawer
  – Being single is like the disappointed looks on your friends’ faces at the block party when they run out of someone else to pick for the kickball team.
  – Being single is when they don’t turn out the spotlight when you’re finally seated alone at your table, and no one goes back to talking.
  – Being single is like football.  Expert scouting, planning and preparation will help you score.
  – Being single is like writing jokes.  Most of what you see before you will not work, but when a good one appears, you’re walking on air.
  – Being single is like email.  You have to delete many to find the few that are worthwhile.
  – Being single is like fishing.  You remember the one that got away more than the one you catch.
  – Being single is like buying a new suit.  You don’t really know how well it fits until you bring it home.
  – Being single is like job-hunting in a down economy.  You must learn to handle frequent rejections before you succeed.
  – Being single is like hiking the Inca trail.  There are hours of pain and moments of beauty.
  – Being single is like waiting for a bus.  If you miss one, another will come along soon.
  – Being single is like being a cat.  Do what you want, when you want, where you want and the heck with your complaining owner.
  – Being single is like being a fanatical fisherman.  Maybe that’s why my wife left me.
  – Being single is like a car.  It goes better with just one driver
  – Being single is like a bottle of wine.  It matures nicely with time, but goes sour if left too long
  – Being single is like a shoe.  With time it gets more comfortable.
  – Being single is like being an unlit match.  You’re waiting for a flame.

It’s time for our Joke Contest for the month of February.  The contest theme is Being Single.

New Joke Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).

New Cartoon Caption Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).  The next caption contest is March 1, 2012.

Your humor challenge is to compare Being Single with other things; objects, activities, institutions, etc.  Here are some examples:

Being single is like bath water.  It’s not enjoyable when it’s not so hot.

Being single is like playing basketball.  You’ll impress no one if you dribble on your foot.

Being single is like the stock market.  It has its ups and downs.

Write as many humor lines as you can.  Then select your best lines and submit them.  If you submit more than three, the extra lines will be eligible for honorable mention.  Only your first three will be judged by our panel of judges for first, second and third place.  Select and submit your best entries, and your city/state/country, by February 15, 2012, to HumorPowerTips@HumorPower.com

It’s time for the results of our January Cartoon Caption Contest featuring the artwork of professional cartoonist Dan Rosandich.

New Cartoon Caption Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).

New Joke Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).  The next Joke Contest is February 1, 2012.

Here are the top captions for this month’s contest:

** FIRST PLACE **

Perhaps you should have saved the 500 page novel you just finished writing before turning off the computer.

     Tom Nee, Oak Lawn, Illinois

** SECOND PLACE **

Allow me:  !@#%  &&%#  !!?!  *#@!  There, feel better?

     Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinois

** THIRD PLACE **

Now you can tell your friends in construction that you also do back-breaking work.

     David Novick, Dayton, Ohio

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

  – I said retweet, not retreat!
  – Parrot and owner attacked by a Google of Geese.
  – Repeat after me: Excessive tweeting may cause dizziness, requiring medical tweetment.
  – I said nice life…not it’s your wife!
  – This is only a test of the national Life Alert system.
  – What are the Kardashians up to now?
  – I told you that you should have voted.
  – Uh-oh. His boss just located his Facebook site.
  – Your parole officer friended you on Facebook?
  – Polly is a hacker!
  – Oh!…birds-and-the-bees.com…I can’t wait!
  – Yawk!  I said I wanted a cracker not a hacker.
  – Oh no! A dear Polly letter!

Visit cartoonist Dan Rosandich who has an extensive and in-depth archive of categorized cartoons and cartoon pictures available for licensing at negotiable fees.

It’s time for our Cartoon Caption Contest for the month of January.  We feature the art of professional cartoonist Dan Rosandich.

New Cartoon Caption Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).

New Joke Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).  The next Joke Contest is February 1, 2012.

Here is the cartoon:

Write as many captions as you can.  Then select your best three captions and submit them.  You can submit more than three lines, the extra lines will be eligible for honorable mention.  Only your first three lines will be judged by our panel of judges for first, second and third place.

Select and submit your best entries, and your city/state/country, by January  15, 2012, to HumorPowerTips@HumorPower.com

Visit cartoonist Dan Rosandich who has an extensive and in-depth archive of categorized cartoons and cartoon pictures available for licensing at negotiable fees.
http://www.danscartoons.com

It’s time for the results of the December joke contest–Foreign Phrases

New Joke Contests are announced on the first of the month (alternating months).

New Cartoon Caption Contests are announced on the first of the month (alternating months).  The next caption contest is January 1, 2012.
 
Here are this month’s top lines:

** FIRST PLACE **

persona non grata
persona non Prada:  Someone who shops at a thrift store.
     Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinois

** SECOND PLACE **

haute cuisine
oat cuisine:  High-fiber diet.
     David Novick, Dayton, Ohio

** THIRD PLACE **

deja vu
deja new:  Retro fashions.
     Melanie White, Rowlett, Texas

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

ante bellum
ante potbellum:  Before the potbelly.

billet doux
bullet doux:  Hate letter.

pro bono
go Bono:  Shouted at a U2 concert.

savoir faire
save our fare:  Don’t raise transportation prices.

sang froid
sang Floyd:  Pink Floyd on the karaoke machine.

grand prix
grand spree:  Christmas shopping.

ex libris
ex-Liberace:  Formerly flamboyant pianist.

comme si, comme ca
come see, consume:  Merchant’s sales slogan around Christmas.

O sole mio.
Oh, sole me:  I’ll have the fish platter.

Post Meridiem
Post Meridiem:  The afternoon paper.

prego
pray go:  Please get lost.

Ay caramba
I can rhumba:  I’m a great dancer.

je ne sais pas
Jenny says wha?

oy vey
oy stay:  The guest that never leaves.

joie de vivre
joie de relieve:  After what seems like an eternity, you finally find a rest room.

billet doux
billet through:  A Dear John letter

femme fatale
hem fatale:  The very-mini skirt worn by a femme fatale.

dolce vita
dolce eater:  Someone with a sweet tooth.

savoir faire
savoir hair:  An excellent hair stylist.

deja vu
deja clue:  The detective later realized that the first clue contained the solution to the case.

faux pas
faux fox:  Fake fur.

que sera sera
que Sara Sarah:  How do you spell your name?

fait accompli
feta compli:  A properly-aged Greek cheese.

flagrant delicto
fragrant dictato:  Coco Chanel reciting a recipe for a perfume to her stenographer.

pro bono
probe Ono:  Questioning John Lennon’s widow.

savoir-faire
savior fare:  The Last Supper

veni, vidi, vici
vendi video vice:  I sell porno movies

force majeure
farce immature:  Juvenile humor.

ipso facto
calypso facto:  A style of music and dance originating on Trinidad and Tobago.

bon mot
Bond mot:  A clever remark from 007.

carpe diem
carpe per diem:  Take your lunch money.

caveat emptor
Dick Cavett emptor:  Be careful what you say on a talk show.

coup de grace
coupe de Grace:  Two-door auto for Monaco royalty.

aficionado
afishionado:  A highly-accomplished angler.

angst
sangst:  Fear of performing a song in public.

au courant
au current:  Up-to-date wiring

cause celebre
Claus celebre:  A Hollywood Santa.

faux pas
fo pa:  A present for dad

je ne sais quoi
je ne sais quay:  I don’t know where the boat will dock.

quid pro quo
squid pro quo:  I’ll give you some calamari for that.

vox populi
Magnavox populi:  TVs for everyone.

ala mode
ala commode:  Stylish bathroom.

habeus corpus
flabbeus corpus:  Time to join a gym.

mea culpa
mea pulpa:  I’m the one who mashed it and I’m sorry.

que sera sera
que seran Sarah:  Where’s the plastic wrap?

rigor mortis
bigger wartis:  That bump on your hand is hard.

vice versa
vice versatile:  Highly skilled in bad habits.

gracias
grassy ass:  A friendly acknowledgment to a long-timer on Occupy Wall Street.

faux pas
faux pa:  Someone pretending to be your father.

por favor
poor flavor:  Something that tastes bad.

ichi ban
nietzsche ban:  No philosophers allowed.

veni vidi vici
weni nidi Nietzsche:  I wimpy, I penniless, and I responsible.