Archive for the 'Contests' Category

Joke Contest Results — Drugs You Can’t Live Without

Sunday, January 25th, 2015

Here are the results of our January Joke Contest.  This month’s contest theme was suggested by long-time blog contributor, and funny guy,  Gerald Fleischmann.

The theme is Drugs You Can’t Live Without.  Submissions create a fictional drug, and make up a description of the properties of that drug.

New Joke contests are announced on the first of the month.  The next contest comes out on February 1, 2015.


Jerkoset:  This mood altering drug will give an edge to your tennis game.  Turns timid players into obnoxious, racket-throwing competitors.

Terry Wall, Washington Township, New Jersey


Mirror Image:  Helps you to look good no matter how bad you feel.

Sandy Kampner, Evergreen Park, Illinois


I’melopinPM: Convinces your honey that tonight’s the night.  Caution:  May cause pregnancy within nine months.

Tom Nee, Oak Lawn, Illinois


Avillify:  Used by prosecutors nationwide.

Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinois

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

Tusk-A-Loosa:  For boxers.  Fixes loose or missing teeth in a jiffy.

Eaterall:  This drug dissolves all food as it enters the stomach. Benefits: You can eat what you want, when you want, and as much as you want.  Side effect: You get no nutrition from food, necessitating that one day a week you stop the drug and eat healthy food.

Liagra: This drug enables you to tell lies easily. You can even pass lie detector tests. Will not last more than 4 hours.

EXanax:  Mood altering drug for divorcees.

Dope-on-a-Rope: Your stylish new belt holds all your prescription medicines.

XOXO:  Makes you irresistible to the opposite sex.

OXOX:  Makes you irresistible to the same sex.  Recommend storing in different cabinet from XOXO.

ExpungeMySin (generic name xmycin). The wonder drug for all your misdeeds. Manufactured in heaven by God. This amazing pill guarantees forgiveness for all of your sins. Tag line: “Take two tablets, and you don’t have to call Me in the morning.” Black Box Warning: It only works on a spiritual level. It will not help you with your wife, your boss, or law enforcement.

Writer’sUnBlock. When you are stuck at a critical point, and just can’t think of anything, this miracle drug guarantees amazing insights, flashes of inspiration, and bursts of creativity. Works for writing fiction, non-fiction, or comedy. For best results, take just before driving, taking a shower, or wherever you usually come up with ideas. Side effect: Writer’s block can recur after the drug wears off. Repeated use can lead to addiction, dependency, or a Pulitzer Prize.

Bladderall:  Your shy and anti-social bladder will become the life of the party when using a public bathroom in the company of strangers.  Just one tablet a day, and you’ll be able to achieve that flow when you’re on the go!

Humorphine:  For comedians and audiences, relieves the terrible pain of both rejection and bad jokes.

Trainquilizers:  Use this before railroad delays give you a heart attack.

Percrochet:  Absolute necessity for all knit and purlers.

See-Alice:  Not a drug per se, but I’ve seen Alice and that works much better than the pill.

Abracadravir:  Essential for successful magicians.

Ascetic acid:  Vital supplement for certain orders of monks.

Brotox:  Men use this for wrinkles.

Aspenicillin:  This protects you from risks on the ski slopes.

Cleptobismol:  Cures upset stomach caused by shop lifting.

Skunk Away Nasal Spray:  Opens up your sinuses and eliminates all other odors.  Now available in striped-squeeze bottles.

SeeAlice:  This psychedelic cocktail will cure ED.  Side effect: You may become an Alice Cooper junkie.

Morefiend:  Mood altering drug that turns any Dr Jekyll into Mr Hyde.

Joke Contest Results — Comedy Across the Globe

Thursday, December 25th, 2014

It’s time for the results of our December Joke Contest.  The theme is Comedy Across the Globe.  It’s not factual.  It’s just intended to be funny.

Our entries were evaluated by a panel of 12 judges (speakers and improv players).

Exercise your humor skills in next month’s contest which will be announced on January 1 , 2015.

Past contests.

Here are the top lines for this month.


British Comedy:  It’s considered impolite to laugh, but occasionally an
upper lip may quiver.

Tom Nee, Oak Lawn, Illinois


Tel Aviv Comedy: The humor Israeli funny.

Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinois


Kentucky Comedy: The jokes get funnier with each shot of bourbon.

Gerald Fleischmann, Fountain Valley, California

HONORABLE MENTION (In random order.)

Wisconsin Comedy: If you want to hear a gouda joke, they tell the
cheesiest ones.

Kansas Comedy: Rest-stop comedians tell jokes to keep drivers awake
until they reach the Colorado state line.

Russian comedy: Take my Comrade…Please!

Kitty Hawk comedy: The comedians always use props.

New Jersey comedy: I’m from Jersey, are you from Jersey?

Belgium Comedy: They call a politician who doesn’t vote a Belgian

Death Valley Comedy: The humor is funny but very dry.

California earthquake humor: It often results in a rumble of laughter.

Las Vegas Comedy: It’s Kinde of fun.

North/South of the Border Comedy: The funniest area of Canada is the
Yuck-on Territory while Mexico has the Yuck-atan Peninsula.

Italian Comedy: When something is funny, you laugh with your hands.

North Pole Comedy: Every joke gets a response of “Ho, Ho, Ho!”

Chicago Comedy: No need to wait for the punch line; laugh early and

Interplanetary Comedy: Comics are from Mars, comediennes are from

Canadian Comedy: Takes longer, because it has to be delivered in both
English and French.

Chinese Comedy: It’s funny, but you’ll be wanting more in an hour.

Swiss Comedy: Constructed and delivered so as not to offend anybody.

New Joke Contest — Comedy Across the Globe

Monday, December 1st, 2014

The theme for December’s joke contest is Comedy Across the Globe.

Pick a country, a state, or a city and tell us what makes its comedy unique. It’s all for fun and isn’t meant to be a factual research study. Just put on your creative hat and make something up!

Here are five examples:

North Korean Comedy. For every joke told, the comic gets one year in a re-education camp.

Canadian Comedy. The set ups are in English. The punch lines are in French. Nobody gets the jokes but they laugh anyway because they are polite.

Japanese Comedy. The night clubs are packed because audiences have a Yen for comedy.

Russian Comedy. Putin wins Last Comic Standing. The biggest laugh comes when he takes his shirt off.

Las Vegas Comedy.  Take my money…please!  Hey, give me my money back.  I was just joking!

Your challenge is to write as many lines as you can. Then select your three best lines and submit them for our Top Three recognition. If you submit more than three lines, the extra submissions will be eligible for Honorable Mention recognition. Submit your entries to by December 14, 2014.

Contest Results: Official Book/Movie/Song

Thursday, October 16th, 2014

It’s time for the results of the Official State Book/Movie/Song contest. The top lines are listed below.  New joke contests are announced on the first of the month.

Our subscribers submitted the Official Books, Movies, and Songs  for the different states.  Not REAL ones.  Just ones they came up with using their creativity.

The next contest is November 1, 2014.

Here are the top lines from this month’s contest.

Florida: The Old Man and the Sea
Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinois

Colorado: Climb Every Mountain
Terry Wall, Washington Township, New Jersey

Louisiana: The French Connection
Gerald Fleischmann, Fountain Valley, California

HONORABLE MENTION  (In random order)

- California: I Feel the Earth Move Under My Feet
- Kentucky: The Horse Whisperer
- Washington: Singing in the Rain
- Nevada: Succeeding Against the Odds
- Michigan: Built to Last

- Florida: A Day Without Sunshine
- Georgia: James and the Giant Peach
- Minnesota: A Tale of Two Cities
- California: All Quiet on the Western Front

- Oklahoma movie: Gone with the Wind
- Utah: Stairway to Heaven
- Hawaii: As Good As It Gets
- Florida: Some Like It Hot

New Joke Contest — Official State Book/Movie/Song

Wednesday, October 1st, 2014

The theme for our October joke contest is Official State Book/ Movie/Song. These are not really the official books/movies/songs. You make them up. Hopefully your connections and creativity will make your lines funny.  This theme was inspired by a suggestion submitted by Sol Morrison from Santa Barbara.

Here are three examples:

Book: Wisconsin–Who Moved My Cheese?
Movie: North Dakota–Frozen
Song: California–Good Vibrations

Write as many lines as you can.  Select your three best lines and submit them to by October, 15, 2014.

Joke Contest Results — State Slogans

Thursday, September 18th, 2014

Our State Slogans theme was inspired by long-time subscriber and funny guy Sol Morrison, Santa Barbara, California.

New Joke contests are annonced on the first of each month.

Look for the next contest on October 1, 2014.

Here are the top lines selected by our panel of judges (speakers and improv players). The Theme: State Slogans.


California: All Shook Up
Terry Wall, Washington Township, New Jersey


Washington: Like rain? We’re Rainier!
Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinois


New York: Unique New York (say it five times fast)
Tom Nee, Oak Lawn, Illinois

Honorable Mention (in random order)

- Washington DC: Big Spy Country
- Pennsylvania: Who wouldn’t like a state nicknamed PA
- Rhode Island: We’re not an island and we don’t have many roads
- North Dakota: Just like South Dakota, only higher up.
- Nevada: The funnest state ever

- Nevada: What’s gambled here stays here
- Minnesota: Land of 10,000 Likes
- West Virginia: Where we still do the Charleston
- Hawaii: HI is more than an abbreviation
- New Hampshire: Slightly nicer than Old Hampshire

- Idaho: This Spud’s for You
- District of Columbia: Live Free or Die Broke
- Washington State: George is On My Mind
- Hawaii: The Molten State
- Kentucky: Southern Comfort

- Washington DC: Land of 10,000 Mistakes
- California: The Quakier State
- Indiana: We say Hoosier before you say knock knock
- California: The Rolling Hills State 7.0
- Alaska: Bridge Over Troubled Politics

- Connecticut: How to get to Massachusetts from New York.
- Texas: Any other questions?
- Idaho: For girls and Boise
- North Carolina: Not South Carolina
- South Carolina: Not North Carolina.
- Rhode Island: You Just Missed it

- Washington DC: Grid and Bear It
- Washington DC: Don’t Make a Federal Case Out of it
- Arizona: Take in the Hole Thing
- Mississippi: There is no Mr.ssippi
- New York: We Rush More than South Dakota.
- Wisconsin: Home of Cheesy Humor

New Joke Contest — State Slogans

Monday, September 1st, 2014

The theme for this month’s contest is STATE SLOGANS.

Thanks to Sol Morrison, Santa Barbara, for suggesting this theme.

Many states have slogans, such as New Hampshire’s “Live Free or Die.”

Your challenge is to create a State Slogan that is not real, but funny.

Here are three examples:

Kansas: Not in OZ Anymore

Wisconsin: Chez Cheese

North Dakota: The Snow Me State

Challenge yourself to write a dozen lines. Maybe more. Then slect your best three lines and submit them for recognition in our Top Three.  If you submit more than three lines, the additional lines will be eligible for Honorable Mention.

Submit your entries to by September 14, 2014.

Contest Results — Almost TV

Thursday, August 21st, 2014

It’s time for this month’s contest winners. The theme for the contest is ALMOST TV. The challenge is to come up with the title of an imaginary TV show that almost sounds like a real show. Then follow the made-up title with a brief description of the show.

Here are the top lines selected by our panel of judges (improv players and speakers).


Leopardy. Quiz show where if you don’t have the right questions about predatory animals, you really lose.
Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinois


The Wig Thang, Deary: How to make homemade hairpieces.
David Novick, Dayton, Ohio


The Tazing Chase: Cops armed only with tasers go after panhandlers,
jaywalkers, and parking violators.
Terry Wall, Washington Township, New Jersey

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

- Tooth or Consequences: Dental students guess which tooth to pull.
- American Midol: Contestants try to obtain over the counter drugs
under Obamacare.
- R*A*S*H: Top dermatologists try to identify new skin diseases.
- Hawaii VO5O: Top Island hairdressers show their stuff.
- The Grate Race: Chefs shred their favorite cheeses to beat the clock.

- 30 Rocks: Contestants from primitive cultures learn to count.
- Duluth or Consequence: Three wrong answers and you’re out in the
- Prancing on the Parallel Bars, on Mars: Gymnastics in low gravity.
- The Offshore Rig Pyongyang Theory: Find oil in international
waters near North Korea without getting killed.
- Nay, Kid, I’m Afraid: How to teach children not to take unnecessary

- Under the Chrome: A competition to rip you off the most while
pretending to fix your car.
- Under the Foam: World Series of Beer Pong
- Meal or no Meal. Parents of teenagers return home after work to see
if their children ate all the food. Winners are the parents with the least
food to eat. The prize is dinner at their child’s favorite restaurant,
where the parents eat but their children only get to watch.
- Password? Anyone over 50 who remembers 50% or more of their
passwords receives a suite of programs, each program with it’s own
- Are you smarter than a 28th grader? Winners get an honorary PhD

- Let’s make a meal: Contestants swap half the ingredients of their
favorite recipes with each other, and then see who comes up with the
best dish. Winner gets their ingredients back and dinner at the show
host’s house.
- Family Freud. Guest psychologists attempt to analyze your family.
Loser must live with your family for one month.
- The Rice is Bright. Cooking contest to see who can make the shiniest
side dish.
- Behind Closed Doors: The program for peeping toms.
- Criminal Mimes: Marcel Marceau leads his young protegé on a new
crime spree every week.

- Shiv Another Day: Armed with only his wits and a knife, Jack Bauer
has to survive his first day in Leavenworth.
- 2 Broke Merles: Down on their luck Dixon and Haggard become
waiters in a Country Western Zombie bar.
- Dancing with Their Cars: A cross between a dance competition and a
Demolition Derby.
- The Fracklist: Disgruntled oil & gas driller wants to expose corrupt
EPA officials.
- Guillotine Island: Castaways set up a dictatorial government.

- Rome Improvement: Tourists partake in making over famous ruins
of the world.
- Under the Superdome: Fans become trapped in the stands at a
never-ending football game.
- Fiends: Ghouls, zombies, and werewolves get together every week at
the same bar to recall old crimes.
- The Big Wang Theory: Series documenting aspects of whether size
really matters.
- Have Buns, Will Travel: Adventures of an itinerant baker.

- Wild, Wild, Vest: Upper body fashion show.
- Sons of Apathy: Sequence of stories about lackluster guys.
- Perqs and Recreation: Intrigue as to why the head Ranger gets all
the side benefits.
- Mall in the Family: “Shop ’til you drop” is this family’s watchword.
- Bored to Death: CEOs meet untimely demises, one by one.
- Silicone Valley: A breast augmentation doctor’s adventures.


New Joke Contest — Almost TV

Friday, August 1st, 2014

The theme for our August contest is:  ALMOST TV.  Create a title for an imaginary TV show that almost sounds like a real show.  Then tag it with a sub-title that tells what the imaginary show is about.

New joke contests are announced on the first of each month.

Here are three examples based on this month’s theme:

So you stink in your rants.
A competition between ranting comedians who aren’t funny.

Meal of Four Chins
A cook-off featuring recipes that give you multiple chins.

A merry Cannes bridal.
Behind the scenes at a happy French wedding.

Write as many new Show titles as you can. Then pick your top three to
submit. You can submit additional lines which will be eligible for
Honorable Mention. Submit your entries by August 15, 2014, to Include your Name, City, State.

Contest Results — First Date

Friday, July 25th, 2014

It’s time for our contest results for the July theme of  FIRST DATE.

Our Top-Three lines were selected by our panel of judges (speakers and improv players).

Our contests come out on the first of the month. Our next contest will be announced on August 1, 2014.

Here are the top lines for this month.


What NOT to say on a first date: Don’t worry, liquor doesn’t affect my driving.

Gerald Fleischmann, Fountain Valley, California


What  NOT to do on a first date: Text a friend about your date whilE you are on it, speaking aloud everything you are texting.

Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinois


What NOT to say when trying to get a first date: I stutter when I ask a pretty girl out. Oh look…I didn’t stutter!

Nancy Lininger, Camarillo, Calfiornia

HONORABLE MENTION (In random order)

What NOT to say when trying to get a first date: 

- I’ve been depressed lately. Maybe a date will cheer me up.
- Let’s meet at a wedding dress store.
- We’d have to meet out of town…people know me here.
- I can’t believe you’re going out with me. I really can’t believe you’re going out with me. I really really can’t believe you’re going out with me.  I really really really can’t believe you’re going out with me!

What NOT to bring to a first date:

- A Sponge Bob security blanket.
- A textbook from a class you took 20 years ago.
- Your grandmother’s ashes.
- Your dog. “He loves doing that. I’ll get you a tissue.”
- Your mother.

What NOT to say during a first date:
- So how do you feel about polygamy?
- Could I look at your teeth?
- Want to hear my Pee Wee Herman impression?
- By the way, do you have cab fare for the ride home?
- Is it OK if we dress up as super-heroes tonight?
- In the glove box there’s a bottle of aspirin, in case you suddenly get a headache.

- Sorry I’m late. My first hot date tonight took longer than I planned.

- We can have a fun time or not…it’s up to you.
- After dinner, you can come over to my place, and I’ll show you my trophies.

- I win joke contests.
- How is Venus this time of year?
- I’ve got to be home by midnight…in case my probation officer calls.
- We can go anywhere you want…as long as it’s not out-of-state.
- You remind me of my last date.
- If we get married I can stay in the country. Then we can go out again.
- I can get us fast service…Hey waiter, here’s a buck.
- I’ll call you if I remember your number.
- Did you have to pick the most expensive item?
- My policy is don’t ask don’t tell.
- I thought you were my dream date, then I woke up.
- Mother tried to fix me up with a guy who looks just like you.
- I’m sure that mole can be removed.
- What do you think of the new cologne I’m trying tonight? It’s an aphrodisiac.

- You smell much better than I’ve heard.
- I hope you’re not just another party pooper.
- I’m using this lip balm so my mouth sores can clear up before we kiss goodnight.

- I have a lot in common with Oedipus Rex.

- You use too many crutch words…have you considered joining Toastmasters?

- I thought I’d surprise you with an evening of competition paintball.
- I didn’t say we’re going to Birmingham; I said Burning Man.
- So how far do you go on a first date?
- Please don’t open the glove box…that’s where I keep my guns.
- So let’s talk about string theory.
- Is that your real hair color?
- Have you had a face lift?
- I can see you’re into me.
- Could you loan me some money?
- If we get serious, I will need to see your tax returns for the last three years.

- I live with my mom, 2 dogs, and 22 cats.
- I’m really good with numbers. I bet I can guess your measurements.
- My last date ended with a murder trial, but I was acquitted.

What NOT to do on a first date:
- Crack your knuckles repeatedly all evening.
- Text a friend about your date while you are on it, speaking aloud everything you are texting.

- Complain about never getting a second date.
- Laugh at everything your date says.
- Hum every few minutes, alternating between “The Candy Man” and ”It’s a Small World.”

- Blow your nose on your shirt tail.
- Take a call from your ex.
- Check the score of a game (you will never score if you do).
- Turn up one hour late and say “Sorry, I forgot.”
- You pick up your date in your convertible with the top down when it is winter and windy.

- Show up wearing a bow tie and nothing else.
- Show up wearing a Sumo wrestling outfit.

Places to NOT to go on a first date:

- An adult theater, bookstore, or strip club.
- To a Toastmasters meeting and make sure your date is called on for Table Topics.