Archive for the 'Contests' Category

New Joke Contest — Almost TV

Friday, August 1st, 2014

The theme for our August contest is:  ALMOST TV.  Create a title for an imaginary TV show that almost sounds like a real show.  Then tag it with a sub-title that tells what the imaginary show is about.

New joke contests are announced on the first of each month.

Here are three examples based on this month’s theme:

So you stink in your rants.
A competition between ranting comedians who aren’t funny.

Meal of Four Chins
A cook-off featuring recipes that give you multiple chins.

A merry Cannes bridal.
Behind the scenes at a happy French wedding.

Write as many new Show titles as you can. Then pick your top three to
submit. You can submit additional lines which will be eligible for
Honorable Mention. Submit your entries by August 15, 2014, to Include your Name, City, State.

Contest Results — First Date

Friday, July 25th, 2014

It’s time for our contest results for the July theme of  FIRST DATE.

Our Top-Three lines were selected by our panel of judges (speakers and improv players).

Our contests come out on the first of the month. Our next contest will be announced on August 1, 2014.

Here are the top lines for this month.


What NOT to say on a first date: Don’t worry, liquor doesn’t affect my driving.

Gerald Fleischmann, Fountain Valley, California


What  NOT to do on a first date: Text a friend about your date whilE you are on it, speaking aloud everything you are texting.

Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinois


What NOT to say when trying to get a first date: I stutter when I ask a pretty girl out. Oh look…I didn’t stutter!

Nancy Lininger, Camarillo, Calfiornia

HONORABLE MENTION (In random order)

What NOT to say when trying to get a first date: 

- I’ve been depressed lately. Maybe a date will cheer me up.
- Let’s meet at a wedding dress store.
- We’d have to meet out of town…people know me here.
- I can’t believe you’re going out with me. I really can’t believe you’re going out with me. I really really can’t believe you’re going out with me.  I really really really can’t believe you’re going out with me!

What NOT to bring to a first date:

- A Sponge Bob security blanket.
- A textbook from a class you took 20 years ago.
- Your grandmother’s ashes.
- Your dog. “He loves doing that. I’ll get you a tissue.”
- Your mother.

What NOT to say during a first date:
- So how do you feel about polygamy?
- Could I look at your teeth?
- Want to hear my Pee Wee Herman impression?
- By the way, do you have cab fare for the ride home?
- Is it OK if we dress up as super-heroes tonight?
- In the glove box there’s a bottle of aspirin, in case you suddenly get a headache.

- Sorry I’m late. My first hot date tonight took longer than I planned.

- We can have a fun time or not…it’s up to you.
- After dinner, you can come over to my place, and I’ll show you my trophies.

- I win joke contests.
- How is Venus this time of year?
- I’ve got to be home by midnight…in case my probation officer calls.
- We can go anywhere you want…as long as it’s not out-of-state.
- You remind me of my last date.
- If we get married I can stay in the country. Then we can go out again.
- I can get us fast service…Hey waiter, here’s a buck.
- I’ll call you if I remember your number.
- Did you have to pick the most expensive item?
- My policy is don’t ask don’t tell.
- I thought you were my dream date, then I woke up.
- Mother tried to fix me up with a guy who looks just like you.
- I’m sure that mole can be removed.
- What do you think of the new cologne I’m trying tonight? It’s an aphrodisiac.

- You smell much better than I’ve heard.
- I hope you’re not just another party pooper.
- I’m using this lip balm so my mouth sores can clear up before we kiss goodnight.

- I have a lot in common with Oedipus Rex.

- You use too many crutch words…have you considered joining Toastmasters?

- I thought I’d surprise you with an evening of competition paintball.
- I didn’t say we’re going to Birmingham; I said Burning Man.
- So how far do you go on a first date?
- Please don’t open the glove box…that’s where I keep my guns.
- So let’s talk about string theory.
- Is that your real hair color?
- Have you had a face lift?
- I can see you’re into me.
- Could you loan me some money?
- If we get serious, I will need to see your tax returns for the last three years.

- I live with my mom, 2 dogs, and 22 cats.
- I’m really good with numbers. I bet I can guess your measurements.
- My last date ended with a murder trial, but I was acquitted.

What NOT to do on a first date:
- Crack your knuckles repeatedly all evening.
- Text a friend about your date while you are on it, speaking aloud everything you are texting.

- Complain about never getting a second date.
- Laugh at everything your date says.
- Hum every few minutes, alternating between “The Candy Man” and ”It’s a Small World.”

- Blow your nose on your shirt tail.
- Take a call from your ex.
- Check the score of a game (you will never score if you do).
- Turn up one hour late and say “Sorry, I forgot.”
- You pick up your date in your convertible with the top down when it is winter and windy.

- Show up wearing a bow tie and nothing else.
- Show up wearing a Sumo wrestling outfit.

Places to NOT to go on a first date:

- An adult theater, bookstore, or strip club.
- To a Toastmasters meeting and make sure your date is called on for Table Topics.

Joke Contest — A First Date

Tuesday, July 1st, 2014

Striking Out on a First Date.   Getting a first date and enjoying it are one of the challenges of life.   What are some things that might ruin your ability to get a first date, enjoy a first date, or get to a second date?

Here are some examples:

1. Things to not to say when trying to get a first date.
- How about dinner tomorrow night? Or are you going to play hard to get?

2. Things not to say on a first date.
- Will you want a boy or a girl first?

3. Things not to do on a first date.
- Bring a small glove and keep repeating “It it doesn’t fit you must

4. Places not to go on a first date.
- A funeral.

5. What to not too bring on a first date.
- Your Mother.

6. If you’re not enjoying a first date, how to be intentionally anoying.
- Take a Selfie every three minutes.

7. Things not to say after a first date.
- I can’t wait for our second date. We won’t be so limited on things
we can do.

8. Or any other faux pas a person could make related to a first date.
- I speak French. I’ll order the wine. Mr Wine Steward…voulez vous
coucher avec moi ce soir?

Write as many lines as you can. Then write ten more. Pick your best
three and submit by July 15, 2014. Send your top lines to You can send more than three
lines. The additional lines will be eligible for Honorable Mention. Our
panel of judges will recognize our top thee submissions.

Contest Results — Living on Mars

Monday, June 23rd, 2014

It’s time to share our best lines from our June Joke Contest. The theme is “I Want To Live On Mars Because…” Our readers submitted their unusual reasons why they would want to live on Mars.

Here are the results selected by our panel of six judges (speakers and improv players).

Our next contest will be announced on July 1.

And now: I Want To Live On Mars Because…


Earth has iTunes, but Mars has Neptunes.
Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinois


I want to explore those eerie canals.
Sandy Kampner, Evergreen Park, Illinois


Years on Earth just go by too fast.
Gerald Fleischmann, Fountain Valley, California

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

- There is new restaurant…good food but no atmosphere.
- There are no politicians on Mars.
- I’ve always been told red brings out my freckles.
- I will make a great Martian dictator.
- Google would no longer be able find me.

- I’d go to Mercury but everyone there has to wear SPF one million sunscreen.
- It says right here in the brochure that the Martians will have us for dinner.
- We’ve been to Vegas and there’s nothing left on Earth that we want to see.
- I’ll finally get to meet My Favorite Martian.
- I want to be off planet during the next election.

- It’s Space, the final front door!
- I want to have a different answer when aliens ask “Where ya from?”
- I want to live on Mars because they have fewer lawyers.
- I want to live on Mars because maybe the IRS won’t find me there.
- I want to live on Mars because in galactic terms, it’s just like moving next door.

- I’ve always wanted to rule the world. There will be less competition on Mars.
- I’ll be safe there. I’m in the Witness Protection Program.
It gets hot, but it’s a dry heat.
- I’ll be taller than the little green men.
- I can grab market share for gondola rides on the canals.
- I think I can go to Mars if I planet well enough.

- I had a Ford Galaxy once.
- I’m so tired of winter.
- They have good libraries. It is the read planet.
- I’ll uncover the truth about Roswell.

New Joke Contest — Living On Mars

Sunday, June 1st, 2014

The theme for our June Joke Contest is:  Living on Mars.

Mars One is offering you the opportunity to sign up for a one-way ticket to Mars. You can be selected for seven-years training to prepare you for the first team to colonize the red planet. And that leads us to the challenge for this month’s contest.  Complete this statment: “I want to live on Mars because…”

Here are some sample answers:
- After work I could relax in one of the many Mars Bars.
- That’s where men are from.
- On a clear night I could see Russia from my front door.

Write as many lines as you can. Then pick your three best lines to enter for our Top Three Contest. You can submit more than three lines and the additional lines will be eligible for Honorable Mention. Send your entries, with your name, ciy and state, to by June 15, 2014.

Joke Contest Results — Naked Person

Monday, May 26th, 2014

It’s time for the results of the May Joke Contest:  What To Say to a Naked Person.

Joke Contests are announced on the first of the month. Our next contest is June 1, 2014.

Here are the top lines and Honorable Mention entries from this month’s contest, selected by our panel of judges (speakers and improv players).


I can give you clothes, but no cigar.
Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinios


Golly, Pat, I thought you were a guy.
Sandy Kampner, Evergreen Park, Illinois


Sorry. Most of the group wants to keep the air conditioning on.
David Novick, Dayton, Ohio

HONORABLE MENTION (In random order)

- You look more naked in person.
- You look good in that birthday suit.
- We can’t serve you unless you’re wearing shoes and a shirt.
- I’m trying to imagine you with your clothes on.
- President Truman, is it true that the buck naked stops here?

- Great monologue, John, but why such a large lectern?
- I’m from Missouri, the Show ME state.
- You must be the Emperor.
- I hear nude is the new black.
- That’s a great way to save money at the health club. You don’t need
to rent a locker.

- You’ve been taken to the cleaners again.
- The doctor will see you now. Literally.
- Yes, this is a nudist camp, but we usually dress for dinner.
- You’re dressed appropriately, but the Medical Examiner only sees
dead people.
- You obviously don’t know the meaning of a strip mall.

- I can’t wait to see your magic act – what do you do for sleeves?
- That outfit looks better on you than it would on me.
- Are you the Streaker of the House?
- You’re right.  It is cold in here.

- Barry?
- I think the striped tie.
- That’s what this country needs, more transparency.
- They told me this town had some nice sights. They were right.

New Joke Contest — May 2014

Thursday, May 1st, 2014

It’s time for our May Joke Contest. Our theme this month is:   What to Say to a Naked Person.  Some of your lines might be “good” things to say, and some may be “bad” things to say. They will most likely be funny. And the challenge is to keep the lines in good taste.

Here are some sample lines, based on the theme, to get you started.

An alligator bag would compliment your outfit.
What a brilliant disguise for the witness protection program.
The restaurant requires a tie.
It must be casual day at work.
Thank you for reminding me…your eyes ARE up there.

Write as many lines as you can. Then submit your best three lines for
our Top Three recognition. If you send more than three lines, the
additional lines will be eligible for Honorable Mention. Submit your
entries by May 15, 2014 to

New contests are announced on the first of the month. The next contest will be posted on June 1, 2014.

April Joke Contest Results — Hidden Benefits

Monday, April 28th, 2014

It’s time for the results of the April Joke Contest. The theme for this month’s challenge, Hidden Benefits, was suggested by Gerald Fleischmann.

New contests are announced on the first of the month. Look for the next contest on May 1, 2014.

Here are the top lines for April.


My dry cleaner mixes up all his orders, but I get a new wardrobe every week.
Tom Nee, Oak Lawn, Illinois


My smartphone was out for repair. I had so much time I actually read a book.
David Novick, Dayton, Ohio


My Wife is a psychopathic maniac, but I’ve become become skilled at hostage negotiation, crime scene clean-up and weapon maintenance.
Les Harden, Brisbane, Australia

HONORABLE MENTION (In random order)

- The elevator stopped working on our high-rise, but I lost 20 pounds and won a stair climbing event.
- My neighbor’s tree dropping lemons all over my yard drove me crazy, until I opened a lemonade stand.
- The corner shop makes the worst coffee ever, but it’s buy one get one free so I can’t pass it up.
- Our local school is so bad, I was mugged taking my young daughter to her classroom. However my kid got me a better wallet and a roll of cash when she mugged the Principal’s bookie.
- I work for myself. I hate the boss but love his self deprecating humor.

- I got put on hold with the IRS for an hour, but I learned the lyrics to a dozen new songs.
- I was upset when a guy cut in front of me in the lotto line, until I realized that I bought the winning ticket.
- I was upset when gas shot up to $5.00 a gallon, until I realized that it doesn’t take as long to pump $20 worth as it used to.
- My boss is a real taskmaster, but time flies when you’re working twice as hard.
- My cable TV stopped working, but I attached wires to the neighbor’s dish and haven’t missed a show.

- I got into a fender-bender yesterday, but my cat seems to drive better without a front bumper.
- I was running late and just barely made it on time for my performance in the local theater, so I had no time for performance anxiety.
- I spent so much using credit cards that I will be in debt for years, but I got a cool flutaphone with my points.
- Lot was plunged into despair when God turned his wife into a pillar of Salt.
However, their children helped assuage his sorrow by selling her to Orville Redenbacher.
- That TV show is lousy; I can’t wait to see who their next guest host will be.

- Animated films these days use such primitive animation that all there is to appreciate is their great story lines.
- After making a mistake entering my new password, that mistake helped me avoid the latest computer virus making the rounds.
- The premium ice cream I thought would ruin my diet turned out to attract the very sexy neighbor lady.
- The thunderstorm with gale force wind blew all the obstructions out of my gutters.
- When the power went off, we had nothing to do but talk to each other, in person, face to face, in real time.

- When my hearing aids are turned off at night, I can’t hear anything, not even your snoring.
- My cell phone coverage is always dropping calls. Comes in handy for calls from my mother-in-law.
- I stopped by and saw that the renters had the house looking like a foreclosure property. But I wasn’t mad when I saw that someone else had stopped by; the tax appraiser.

New Joke Contest — Hidden Benefits

Tuesday, April 1st, 2014

This month’s theme, Hidden Benefits, was suggested by Gerald Fleischmann, long-time contributor to our contests.

Write a line which starts in a style that appears to be a putdown for a person, product, or service, then end it with something that turns it upside down by turning a negative into a positive. This is the opposite of a previous contest where we started with a positive and then delivered a backhanded, faint-praise compliment. Your challenge is not to submit reworks of previous jokes, but to create new ones. Here are some examples:

- That restaurant serves the world’s worst food, but I eat there every day because when I’m not satisfied, my next meal is free.

- The barking from my new neighbor’s dogs is so annoying that I hadn’t noticed that there have been no prowlers in my back yard since they moved in.

- My husband is a horrible cook, but now I realize how many wonderful friends I’ve made who work as health department inspectors.

Your challenge is to write as many lines as you can. Then submit your
three best three lines for recognition in our Top Three. You can submit
more than three lines. The extra lines will be eligible for Honorable
Mention.   Send your entries to
not later than April 15, 2014.

New joke contests are announced on the first of each month. The next
contest is published on May 1, 2014.

Humor Contest Results — It Was So Windy

Thursday, March 20th, 2014

It’s time for the March Joke Contest. The theme comes from the popular “How Windy Was It” Johnny Carson routine. We had the challenge to come up with lines for:

- How hungry were you?
- How hot were you
- How rich were you?
- How funny were you?

Here are the top lines submitted by our readers:


- I’m so hungry, I’ll swallow anything that political pundits are saying.
Tom Nee, Oak Lawn, Illinois

- I’m so hot, I can’t eat humble pie until it’s cold.
Kaye Newton, Raymond Terrace, New South Wales, Australia

- I’m so rich, I go cow tipping with hundred dollar bills.
Ethan Nguyen, Las Vegas, Nevada

- I’m so funny, when I view the Mona Lisa, she smirks.
Gerald Fleischmann, Fountain Valley, California


- I’m so hungry, I could eat a vegetarian.
Les Harden, Brisbane, Australia

- I’m so hot, I can’t get within three feet of my curtains.
Ardelle Bellman, Las Vegas, Nevada

- I’m so rich, when the old woman in a shoe asked for help to get a bigger place, I bought her Italy.
Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinois

- I’m so un-funny, my joke got Horrible Mention.
Pete Ward


- I’m so hot, I moonlight as sunshine.
- I’m so rich, I vacation in Silicon Valley to see how poor people live.
- I’m so rich, my Hip Hop CDs come with a rapper.
- I’m so rich, I make my stock brokers look like broke stalkers.
- I’m so hungry, I could eat a vegetarian.
- I’m so funny, I made John Kinde smile. Of course he was standing on his head.
- I’m so hot, I am Victoria’s Secret.
- I’m so hungry, my stomach growls at 66 decibels.
- I’m so funny, my wife laughs at all my old jokes every time I tell them.
- I’m so funny, bloggers ask for my joke contest ideas.
- I’m so funny, I drive a clown car.
- I’m so rich, I had the Bentley windshield ground to my glasses prescription.
- I’m so hot, I’m required by law to carry ice cubes at all times.
- I’m so hot, my dates wear fireproof suits.
- I’m so rich, my wife had to divorce me twice.
- I’m so hungry, when I walk into a fast food restaurant, its stock price rises.
- I’m so rich, if I’m losing at the casino, I buy the casino.
- I’m so funny, people laugh at me even before I get to the punchline.
- I’m so hungry, when they see me coming, “all you can eat” restaurants hang “out of business” signs on their door.
- I’m so hot, they call me Mr. Habañero.
- I’m so rich, I hired someone to write the rest of this joke for me.
- I’m so rich, I raise people’s cholesterol just walking past them.
- I’m so funny, the judges of these contests are jealous.
- I’m so funny, my wife laughed at one of my jokes.
- I’m so funny, all the other contestants hired me to write their jokes.