Humor Power

This month’s contest theme comes from an Improv Game called “Once was…now is.“  In the improv game, one of the players is designated as a person who used to work in a specific career field.  He or she has left that career field and now works in a different one.  Their behavior in the new career field is influenced by their first career.  In the improv game the players act out an entire scene.  In this contest we’ll just be looking for a single punchline.  We’re going to have a person as coming from a variety of career fields, but now working as a speech coach.

Here is the formula for the joke:
The person once was a (BLANK), now is a speech coach:  (You’ll tell us what that person would say when coaching a speaker.)

Here are three examples:

Once was a Drill Sergeant, now is a speech coach:  “I can’t hear you!!”

Once was a dog trainer, now is a speech coach: “Speak!”

Once lived in the 1920s, now is a speech coach:  “An effective opening is, Mr Toastmaster, Fellow Toastmasters and Honored Guests.”

Write as many lines as you can.  Humor is a numbers game.  The more lines you write, the more likely it is that you’ll discover a gem.  Submit your best three lines to HumorPowerTips@HumorPower.com.  You may submit more than three lines.  The additional lines will be eligible for Honorable Mention.  Submit your entries by May 15, 2013.

New Joke Contests are announced at the start of the month.  The next contest will be announced June 1.

Here are the results of April’s contest as picked by our panel of judges.  The theme for the contest was:  Games To Play in Prison.

The challenge was to make up games (which are not real), based on actual games which do exist.  The original games can be board games, TV games, reality games, carnival games, sport games, etc.  The new games should fit the prison theme.

New Joke Contests are announced at the start of the month.  The next contest will be announced on May 1.

Here are the top entries for this month:

** FIRST PLACE **

Whack a Mole – Reality Version
     Nancy Lininger, Camarillo, California

** SECOND PLACE **

Last Convict Standing
     Gerald Fleischmann, Fountain Valley, California

** THIRD PLACE **

Who Wants to Fleece a Millionaire
     Tom Nee, Oak Lawn, Illinois

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

  – Straight-Jacket Twister
  – I Used to Have a Secret
  – I survived a San Quentin game show
  – Four Years to Win It
  – In the Clink You Can Dance
  – Mame That Goon

  – Meal or No Meal
  – Our Cell’s Got Talent
  – What’s My Fine?
  – Brig Bother
  – Candid Security Camera

  – Farewell The Truth
  – Dancing With the Scars
  – IOU Money Drop
  – The Price is Out of Sight
  – Truth Nor Consequences

  – Forgot the Lyrics
  – Scream for a Day
  – Fear Factory
  – Sure Raids
  – Concentration Camp

  – Family Food Fight
  – Sheets and Ladders
  – Hide and Hide
  – Wheel of Misfortune
  – Game of Lifer

  – Convictionary
  – Prisonopoly
  – Prison Hold ‘Em
  – The Apprentice Accomplice
  – So You ThinkYou Can Scam?

  – Whose Alibi is it Anyway?
  – SafeBusters
  – Without a Fingerprint Trace
  – Solitaire Confinement
  – Texas Hold-’em Up

  – Not Guilty due to Crazy Eights
  – What’s My Alibi?
  – Big House
  – Five Card Fast Draw
  – Go Fish — or Sleep With ‘Em

  – Monoplea
  – You Are the Weakest Link
  – The Sentence is Right
  – Press your Lock
  – You Bet Your Life Sentence

  – Not so Trivial Robbery Pursuit
  – Fantasy Island — Alcatraz
  – Are You Smarter Than a Rookie Cop?
  – The Ponzi Pyramid
  – Truth or Incarceration

  – Criminal Mastermind
  – Connect Four Years to Your Sentence
  – America’s Got Safe-Cracking Talent
  – You Bet Your Life Without Parole
  – Whose Lineup Is It Anyway?

  – Project Runaway
  – The Amazing Conjugal Visit
  – America’s Got Alibis
  – Celebrity Hunger Strikes
  – Bowling for Early Release

  – The eXit Factor
  – Beat the Alarm System
  – Show Me The Bail Bond
  – The Solitary Life
  – Shoots and Splatters

  – Frisk
  – Texas Hold’em and Cuff’em
  – Better Believe I’m Sorry!
  – Tiddly Finks
  – Clueless

The April contest is called Games To Play.  I heard of a stress reliever game used in a prison environment.  The staff and inmates were using a Trivia Game to break up the routine of the day.  I started to wonder, “what other games would be good in a prison environment.”  And I started making up new games from existing, familiar games.  The games I created are not real, they’re just a game title, twisted for possible humorous effect.  The games could be based on real games, Past and present: Table games, TV games, TV reality shows, anything game related.

Here are three examples for the theme Games To Play in a prison environment:

  – Warden Swap
  – Let’s Make a Plea Deal
  – 101 Ways to Leave a Prison

Select your best lines and submit them.  Your first three submissions will be eligible for Top-Three recognition by our panel of judges.  Additional lines may be recognized as Honorable Mention.  Send them to us at HumorPowerTips@HumorPower.com by April 14, 2013. 

New Joke Contests are announced at the start of the month.  The next contest will be announced May 1.

The result of our March Limerick Contest is out.  Our top limericks were selected by our panel of five judges (speakers and improv players).   The theme of the Limericks was broad…current events.  Our subscribers obviously had sequester on the mind.  The top three entries were all about the mess in Washington DC.

Thanks to Sol Morrison of Santa Barbara for suggesting the theme of this month’s contest.

New Joke Contests are announced at the start of the month.  The next Joke Contest is April 1, 2013.

Here are this month’s top entries.  All three entries were submitted by first timers to the winner’s circle. 

** FIRST PLACE **

It’s now come to a head, the sequester
Which both parties permitted to fester
Since instead of reformers
We are stuck with performers
First Clown Boehner and Barack the Jester.

     Patrick McKeon, Pennington, New Jersey

** SECOND PLACE **

Sequester has befallen our nation
No solutions but so much oration
The left says “must tax”
The right says “wrong facts”
So both up and went on vacation.
 
     Steve Ferguson, Treasure Island, Florida

** THIRD PLACE **

There once was a dreaded sequester
That our congress allowed to fester
While they blamed and screamed
Now they are esteemed
Just a notch above child molester.

     John Gately, Cambridge, Massachusetts

HONORABLE MENTION (In random order)

Politicians can act like a dork
I just want to go pop my cork
But I’m really not sly
I’ll still vote for the guy
Who brings me my share of the pork.
 
The robbers made a quick getaway
Leaving bank tellers in great disarray
The police gave chase
And made their case
Now prison is their place to stay.

The Blackhawks are winning this year
Everyone in Chi-town can cheer
And what’s the reason
For such a season
They’re drinking a new brand of beer.

Obama has picked a new chief
We hope that her stay won’t be brief
A Wal-Mart exec
I say what the heck
Aisle seven for tax relief.

There once was a girl from McCook
Who wouldn’t give Twilight a look
I find the story
A bit too gory
I think I’ll just wait for the book.

The Big Apple has banned the big soda
One pint is the maximum quota
Bloomberg passed this much faster
Than a top Jedi Master
May the fizz still be with you, dear Yoda.

Global Warming An uncomfortable truth
Maybe so; to deny is uncouth
But let’s keep it civil
As we watch the world swivel
Through a glassful of gin and vermouth.

We’re now in an age of sequester
And it may linger for a semester
But Congressional cries
And the Senate’s sad sighs
Match the wails of a cat named Sylvester.

The late leader Chavez has let go
Of his Venezuela, and Citgo
Most are glad he departed,
We’re not brokenhearted
Been waiting for this from the git go.

What a tussle twixt Lincoln and Argo
I think neither compared well to Fargo
Though those Oscars are darling,
The show had me snarling
It’s time we declared an embargo.

Unkind cuts flow from sequestration,
Thank the gridlocked polls of our nation.
As they played blame games,
Need bigger window frames
To facilitate defenestration.

Should you get sick, be injured, find a growth
Visit the physician, ER or both
You’ll find chargemaster prices
Will create a new crisis
Yikes, Hippocrates would use a new oath.

To save cash, White House tours are curtailed
But the House tours have NOT been derailed
So you still can have fun
Seeing nothing get done
On the Hill, watching nonsense unveiled.

Say goodbye to the Dick Morris snarl
Dick (like Palin) can no longer gnarl
All his poisonous spews
Perched at Fox Cable News
But alas, Fox is still keeping Karl.

Sequester’s the word of the day
About which the press gives much sway
It will soon go away
Just like Y2K
And we’re back watching celebs at play.

At first ’twas considered a joke
Pope retires before he will croak
Some Cardinals will plan
To be the next man
But their dreams will just go up in smoke.

The budget of Mr. Obama
Could lead the nation to trauma
When he raised the tax
Boehner sharpened his ax
New revenue streams were a goner.

There was a man called Obama
Whose budgets create such drama
Give the man credit
Let us not forget it
He did get rid of Osama.

There could have been life on Mars
Wonder if they had any cars
Places to dine
Places for wine
Wonder if they had Mars Bars.

We have lots of oil fracking
Of profits it sounds like it’s smacking
Chew up the grounds
for bucks and pounds
I think their brains are a cracking.

There really is global warming
Ice caps are moving and swarming
Sea levels rise
We’re not so wise
Greenhouse gasses are just so charming.

Cruise ships are all the rage
Carnival is a gilded cage
Enjoy the poop deck
You’ll just feel like heck
You’ll not sail if you are sage.

Baseball is on the way
Jack Brickhouse said hey hey
A homer, an out
It just makes me shout
What a great way to spend a day.

Cardinals will be locked tight inside
Where there’s really no place to hide
Choice announced by smoke
We’ll know it’s no joke
Screw up and we’ll know whom to chide.

A chicken who used to meander
Crossed the road one day in a dander
He clucked he had balked
Because he was stalked
By a bearded old gent named Sanders.

The March contest is Current Limericks. Sol Morrison from Santa Barbara said “Let’s do limericks.” And we agree. Your challenge this month is to write a limerick poem. Of course the idea is to make it funny. The theme of the limericks will be Current Events. Each limerick should be about something happening in today’s news headlines.

New Joke Contests are announced at the start of the month. The next contest will be announced April 1 (no fooling). 

Here’s a brief description of a limerick. If you want more information visit Wikipedia.

Line one:    LONG    ta ta tum ta ta tum ta ta    Rhyme A

Line two:    LONG    ta ta tum ta ta tum ta ta     Rhyme A

Line three:    SHORT   ta ta tum ta ta      Rhyme B

Line four:    SHORT    ta ta tum ta ta     Rhyme B

Line five:    LONG    ta ta tum ta ta tum ta ta      Rhyme A 

Your limerick will need to match the rhyme pattern AABBA. The cadence and rhythm of your poem should be close. Here are three examples:

POLITICS AS USUAL

The country is waist deep in debt

But there really is no need to sweat

Borrow more for today

We can go out and play

On Congress we’ll trust our big bet

SWEET SIXTEEN

If you truly want to win more

It depends on the final score

March Madness is here

If you’re drinking beer

Good judgment you may just ignore.

A CHANCE ON LOVE

Internet I gave it a whirl

But dating just made my head swirl

I splashed on some Brut

And thought she’d be cute

 Then met an imaginary girl

Try to write three limericks. They don’t have to be perfect, but do the best you can. The value is in the experience of writing them. The best thing to do is write a limerick and then let it sit for a day. Revisit the poem and edit it. Writing gets better by the process of rewriting.

Pick any current events topic.  You can write on the same topics as the examples provided above, or select one from the dozens (hundreds) of news headlines we’ve seen in the past month.

Select your best poem and submit it. If you have three poems you’re proud of, submit all of them by sending them to us at HumorPowerTips@HumorPower.com by March 15, 2013.

February’s joke contest “It’s in the name.”  Readers are giving advice to famous people on what NOT to name their children. 

This month’s contest theme was submitted by Luther Beauchamp, Chiefland, Florida.

New Joke Contests are announced on the first of the month.

The next contest will be announced March 1, 2013.

Here are the top lines, from February’s contest, selected by our panel of seven judges (speakers and improv players).

** FIRST PLACE **

Lucille Ball should not name her daughter Crystal.
     Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinois

** SECOND PLACE **

Apollo Ohno should not name his son Yasser.
     Scott Tredwell, Advance, North Carolina

** THIRD PLACE **

Tori Spelling should not name her son Wong.
     Nancy Lininger, Camarillo, California

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

  – Tom Cruise should not name his son River.
  – Johnny Carson should not name his son Park.
  – Megan Fox should not name her daughter Keela.
  – John Mayer should not name his son Oscar.
  – Danny Kaye should not name his son Beau.

  – Usain Bolt should not name his son Titan.
  – Hedda Hopper should not name her daughter Bunny.
  – Carrie Fisher should not name her daughter Pearl.
  – Helen Hayes should not name her daughter Smoky.
  – Melissa McCarthy should not name her son Charles.

  – Red Skelton should not name his child Whitey.
  – Nia Peeples should not name her son Manny.
  – Eve Plumb should not name her daughter Sugar.
  – Kate Moss should not name her son Peter.
  – Country singer Eddie Rabbit  should not name a daughter Bonnie.

  – President Bush was smart to not name one of his daughters Rose.
  – Johnny  Cash was smart not to have a son named Owen.
  – Patsy Cline should not name her child Dee.
  – Eddie Money should not name his son Owen.
  – Hillary Duff should not name her daughter Rotunda.

  – Bruno Mars should not name his daughter Venus.
  – Jim Carrey should not name his son Harold.
  – Jeremy Irons should not name his son Brandon.
  – Tom Cruise should not name his son Otto.
  – Pontius Pilate would never have named his son Otto.

  – George Bush wouldn’t want to name his daughter Rose.
  – Alexander Graham Bell wouldn’t want to name his son Tinker.
  – Graeme Fox wouldn’t want to name his son Wily.
  – Adele Ringer wouldn’t want to name her daughter Belle.
  – Donald Trump should not name his daughter D. Clare.

  – Grant Wood should not name his daughter Cherry.
  – Warren Sapp should not name his daughter Ima.
  – George McAfee should not name his son Norton.
  – Grover Alexander should not name his daughter Brandy.
  – Jason Day should not name his daughter Holly.

  – Bill Gates should not name his daughter Pearl E.
  – Henry Clay should not name his son Gray.
  – Jeremy Irons should not name his son Brandon.
  – Michelle Wie should not name her son Pee Wee.
  – Neil Diamond should not name his daughter Jewel Ruby.

  – Whoopi Goldberg’s mother should not name her daughter Whoopi.
  – Ross Perot should not name his daughter Merlot.
  – Phil Donahue should not name his daughter Donna Sue.
  – Julia Child should not name her daughter Honey.
  – William Holden should not name his daughter Bea.

  – Alexander Graham Bell should not name his son Ringo.
  – Jenni Craig should not name her daughter Seattle S.
  – Peter Gabriel should not name his daughter Angel.
  – Wolfgang Puck should not name his son Rocky.
  – Hugh Downs should not name his son Mark.

  – Soupy Sales should not name his son Clarence.
  – Peter Boyle should not name his son Lance.
  – Ethan Hawke should not name his son Tommy.
  – Man Ray should not name his son Sting.
  – Elaine May should not name her daughter April.

  – Matthew Weiner should not name his son Oscar Meyer.
  – Bill Gates should name his daughter Purlie.
  – Moises Alou shouldn’t name his son after Boog Powell.
  – Francis Scott Key should name his son Hank.
  – Don Knotts shouldn’t have named his son Ty.

  – Brad Pitt should not name his daughter Olive.
  – Brad Pitt should not name his son Paul.
  – Brad Pitt should not name his son Harold.
  – Brad Pitt should not name his daughter Cherrie.
  – Brad Pitt should not name his daughter Peaches.

  – Curt Shilling shouldn’t name his daughter Penny.
  – Helen Hunt should not name her son Archer. 
  – Snoop Doggy Dogg should not name his daughter Isabella Emma, which could be abbreviated I. Emma.
  – Bob Hope should not name his son Maurice, because he would be Mo Hope.

This month’s contest theme was submitted by Luther Beauchamp, Chiefland, Florida.  It’s In A Name.

New Joke Contests are announced at the start of the month.

Your challenge in the February contest is to Fill-In-The-BLANKs.   Here is the format:  BLANK should not name his/her child BLANK.

For example: Rob Lowe should not name his daughter Bea.

That gives you a broad range to work with.  Lots of names out there.  For the set-up, use the first and last name of a real person.  For the punchline use only a first name.

Here are some suggestions:

  – David Letterman should not name his son David, because he would be a Junior Letterman.
  – Twyla Banks should not name her son Rob. 
  – A good choice, in the above example, would be to have the punchline be Robert, instead of Rob.  In a sense, the punchline would then be implied.  One step is needed to arrive at the punchword. That makes it a slightly stronger joke.
  – A bad choice is to make up a fake name just for the sake of the gag.
  – Your goal is to use a recognizable name and not an obscure “real” name that you found in the phone book or the intenet.

Write as many lines as you can.  Then select your best lines and submit them.  If you submit more than three, the extra lines will be eligible for honorable mention.  Only your first three entries will be evaluated by our panel of judges for first, second and third place.

Select and submit your best entries, and your city/state/country, byFebruary 15, 2013, to HumorPowerTips@HumorPower.com

Our contest theme for January was suggested by Kaye Newton, Raymond Terrace, Australia.  Haiku is a short-form Japanese poem.  It has more complexity and nuance than we’ll share here. For the purposes of our contest, we’re going to define it as a three line (three phrase) poem of a set number of syllables (beats) per line.
   Line one:  Five syllables.
   Line two:  Seven syllables.
   Line three:  Five syllables.

Here are the top poems as selected by our panel of judges.

** FIRST PLACE **

Sweet Dreams
Love those pancakes dear
Diet aside let’s drench them
Syruptitiously

     Scott Tredwell, Advance, North Carolina

** SECOND PLACE **

The Author
Joke writing is fun
Challenges the intellect
Like I have got one

     Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinois

** THIRD PLACE **

What, Me Worry?
Practicing guitar
Can frustrate me to no end
But never frets me

     Terry Wall, Washington Township, New Jersey
 
** HONORABLE MENTION **

One Flew Over the Haiku’s Nest
Haiku theme is tough
Because humor’s hard enough
Without poetry

Language Barrier
A Japanese poem
Is hard to understanza
The Italian said

Turnabout
Thousandth wise crack, and
Henny Youngman’s wife then said
Take my husband, please

Back to Basics
Great humor, so rare
Who knows when it’s best to quit
With no rule of three
 
Thoughts On The Beach At Sunrise
By the waves, you think
“All is vanity.”  And yet
life needs a porpoise

Contest
This — a joke from me
Don’t know if it is funny
John will let me know

Bipartisanship
New Years as it dawns
My poor head feels like it fell
Off a fiscal cliff

Stupid Things
Routines I performed
about the stupid things done
Has caused much laughing

Imagination
Spring breeze Summer heat
Now, winter chills on my feet
Let alone cold sheets

Feeding Time at The Zoo
When came the bamboo
What ensued at the zoo was
Pandamonium

Famous For Being Famous
Zsa Zsa said that the
Single man is incomplete
Once married, finished

My six-year-old nephew’s life-style
No exercise
no sleep, no rest, and no meals
e-life-style

Too Old
Why does the chicken
To get to the other side
You think that’s funny?

Get In
Toastmaster contest
Only some take top prizes
But all win this game

Reddy
Sun ripens apples
like limericks blush the girls
I’m getting warm now

Double Talk
Can you help me please
I really want your advice
Mind your own business

Progress
Dungeons and Dragons
How long, long ago it seems
Now I live on Wii

Real Progress
My computer died
But it gave me a day off
So I went fishing

Lost in Space
The world is so wide
But with no cell phone in hand
I’m in no man’s land

Like Newton
A lonely leaf falls
It lands on e. e. cummings
Now it’s immortal

Haiku Bum
What do I prefer
To spend days writing haikus
Rather than working

Everyone Needs
All you need is love
All I need is the Beatles
All they need is cash

Toasting
I got my CC
Then CL, AC, AL
Now for DTM

Comeuppance
A cheater at cards
Though most be fooled
Is often dealt with
 
 Air It Out
Many may fear flying
But psychologists can help
In that area
 
We Deliver For Few
Take a little break
from tweets, Facebook and e-mail
try a stamp instead
 
What do you get
Oh, what do you get
When hungry pigs and crows meet
Stuffed pigs eating crow

Happy
If the Ravens win
we will all be real happy
If not, we will cry

Mr Clean
My house is dusty
with dirty dishes and clothes
Where is Mr Clean

Chicken on a Highway
Why did the chicken
Take the highway across town
Local roads were closed

Good advice
Go Forward young man
Any direction you choose
But don’t look under

Enduring wisdom
An apple a day
Does keep the doctor away
Don’t you like doctors

Ouch
Snap went the mousetrap
Poor thing just couldn’t resist
Death by chocolate

School
Japan poetry
To learn this fine artistry
I went to Haik U

Winter
A cold wintry day
My feet really freezing cold
My boots have a hole

My dog
My dog is spotted
She is a crazy wild pooch
People think I’m nuts

Poetry
I’m not good at rhymes
They usually sound bad
But if people laugh

I’d Rather Work With a Lizard
Work processes at
Progressive not going well
Problem with work-Flo

New Joke Contests are announced at the start of the month.   The next Joke Contest is February 1, 2013.

Our contest theme for January is a change-of-pace.  It was suggested by Kaye Newton, Raymond Terrace, Australia.  Haiku is a short-form Japanese poem.  It has more complexity and nuance than we’re going to honor here, our apologies to any Haiku masters reading this. 

For the purposes of our contest, we’re going to define it as a three line (three phrase) poem of a set number of syllables (beats) per line.
   Line one:  Five syllables.
   Line two:  Seven syllables.
   Line three:  Five syllables.
   Hence, a total of 17 syllables.

Kaye provided a sample Haiku (non-humorous)

Impression
by Soli Deo Gloria (Oklahoma)

Cold wind of autumn
Spitting rain and blowing leaves -
How good is hot tea.

So…here’s what we’re looking for:
  – Three lines
  – A syllable pattern of 5-7-5
  – A humorous twist on the last line

  – And before you submit it, title your poem.

Here’s my effort at Haiku writing:

A Bad Day

For Eve or a geek
What will ruin a good day
Is one bad apple

A Day Brightener

We cleanse when we laugh
Laughing is like detergent
It’s cheer for the soul

We may not produce anything that would win a true Haiku contest, but we’ll have fun playing with humor.  It’s good practice with word choice and rhythm.  And if we’re lucky, our effort may result in a smile.

Try to write at least one Haiku.  More if possible.  Your first three submissions will be eligible for Top Three Recognition by our judges.  Additional entries will be eligible for Honorable Mention.  Select your top three lines and send your submissions by January 15, 2013 to our contest address at: HumorPowerTips@HumorPower.com

New Joke Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).

It’s time for the results of our December Joke Contest.  The theme for the contest is Creative Business.  The challenge was to combine two unlikely businesses under the same roof and come up with a name for the new business. 

New Joke Contests are announced on the first of the month.

Here are the top lines for the December contest.

** FIRST PLACE **

Security Devices.  Bird Habitats.  Specialty Cheese:  Locks Nests Muenster.
     Scott Tredwell, Advance, North Carolina

** SECOND PLACE **

Relocation Specialists and a Department Store:  Moving Target.
     Tom Nee, Oak Lawn, Illinois

** THIRD PLACE **

Attorney and Personal Organizer:  Law & Order
     Melanie White, Rowlett, Texas

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

  – Hi-tech Company and Furniture Manufacturer:  The Rattan Apple.
  – Duck Farming and Cheap Medical Clinic:  T.J. Quacks.
  – Farm Building Construction and Baby Nursery Decorating:  Barns and Mobiles.
  – Oil Drum Storage for Small Spaces:  Stacker Barrel.
  – Law Firm and Bird Sanctuary:  Legal Eagles.
  – Moving Company and Publicity Agents:  U-Haul  of  Fame.
  – Recycle Services and Old Light Bulbs:  Blew Light Special.
  – Gentlemen’s Club and T-Shirt Shop: Tease T’s.
  – Jewish Deli Drive-thru:  Lox in a Box.
  – Church, Mexican beer, Charity, and Health insurance a la Dr. Seuss:  One Cross – Two Cross – Red Cross – Blue Cross.
  – Charitable Giving and Appliances:  Generous Electric.
  – Optometry, Gas, and Tax Filing: Eye Shell Returns.
  – Mattresses and anesthetics: Sleep Numb-er.
  – Hardware and Knife Sharpening:  Hone Depot.
  – Deep Discounts and Milk Shakes:  Frostco.
  – Printers and Laxatives: Epson Salts.
  – Gasoline and Honey: Esso Bee.
  – Night Guards and Blackjack Dealers: Sentry 21.
  – Piracy and Bedding: Booty Rest.
  – Banking and Air Travel: Chase Virgin.
  – Motel and Shoe Store: Ramada Zapata.
  – Mexican Food and Accounts Receivable:  Taco Bills.
  – Speed Dating and Electronics Store: Best Guy.
  – Coffins Made to Order and Tobacco Sales:  Coughing Coffins.
  – Hairdresser and Travel Agent:  Hair n There.
  – Tree Trimming and Dog Grooming:  Tall Tails.
  – Shoe Repair and House of Worship:  Sole Savers.
  – A Leaning Tower and a Pizza Shop: A  Pisa Pizza.
  – Butter Manufacturer and Tanning Salon:  Churn & Burn.
  – Health Food Store and Hearing Aid Manufacturer:  Soy What?
  – Bail Bondsman and Novelty Shop:  ConFound It.
  – Writer Supplies and Specialty Truck Parts: Monsters Ink.
  – Plant Nursery and Restaurant:  Garden of Eating.
  – Oats Farmer and Insurance Seller:  Quaker State Farm.
  – Oats Farmer and Computer Manufacture:  Quaker Technology.
  – Snack Manufacturer and Baby Accessories: Twinkies & Binkies.
  – Contracted Conveyance.  Animal Skin Stuffing. 
  – Skin Doctor:  Taxidermatologist.
  – Armament Manufacturer.  Wrecker Service:  Missile Tows.
  – Farm Equipment, Bandages and Advice to the Lovelorn:  Deere Johnson & Johnson.
  – Internet Writing and Magic School: Blogwartz.
  – General Department Store and Rifle Range: Target Practice. 
  – Internet Shopping and Hair Supplies: Amazon.comb.
  – Appliances and Silicon Implants:  Breast Buy.
  – Linens and Extraordinary Deeds:  Bed Bath and Beyond Belief.
  – Computers and Shellfish:  Crab Apple.
  – Insurance and Shopping Centers: Mallstate.
  – Pharmaceuticals and Magician Supplies: Abbott Out of a Hat.
  – Dolls and Fast Food:  Barby’s.
  – On-line Store and Meat Products:  Spamazon.com.
  – Environmentally Friendly Products and Computers:  Green Apple.
  – Beds and Computers:  Napple.
  – Wedding Venues and computers:  ChApple.
  – Autos and Puppets: Audi Doody.
  – Autos and Cowboy Dialects:  Audi Pardner.
  – Cars and Sand:  Saudi.
  – Chicken and Buffalo:  Tyson’s Bisons.
  – Skyscrapers and Ice Rinks:  Empire Skate Building.
  – Convenience Store and Casino:  7 Come 11.
  – Donuts and High-end Grocer:  Hole Foods.
  – Movies and Browsers:  20th Century Firefox.
  – Autos and Plays:  Alfa Romeo and Juliet.
  – Scalp Implants and Air Travel:  American Hairlines.
  – Three Wheel Vehicles, Home Goods and Surgery: Trikeatomy.
  – Home Goods and Outdoor Gear:  Hikea.
  – Computers and Transporters: IBMeUp.
  – Surfer Music and Autos: Help Me, Honda.
  – Condiments and Money Saving Deals:  Grey Groupon.
  – Accountants and Humorous Movies:  Ernst & Young Frankenstein.
  – Mints, Computers and Personal Trainers:  Delltoids.
  – Motor Bicycles and Plumbing Services:  Roto Scooter.
  – Computers and Autos:  IBMW.     
  – Bank Deposit Services for BP, Shell, etc:  Oil Wells Fargo.
  – Practical Jokes and Checking Accounts:  Prank of America.
  – Credit Cards and Artistic Endeavors:  American Express Yourself.
  – Diet Programs and Trash Hauling:  Waist Management.
  – Upscale Clothing and Self-esteem Counseling:  Prada Myself.
  – Bakery and Luxury Autos:  Sweet Rolls-Royce.
  – Telecom Services and Fairy Tales:  Sprints Charming.
  – Butcher and Body Shop:  Chop Shop.
  – Burger King and Dairy Queen:  Royal Foods.
  – Lawyer and Dog Groomer: Legal Beagle.
  – Tax Prep and Butcher:  H&R Chopping Block.
  – Expert Plumbing and News:  Roto Rueters.