Archive for the 'Contests' Category

New Joke Contest — Hidden Benefits

Tuesday, April 1st, 2014

This month’s theme, Hidden Benefits, was suggested by Gerald Fleischmann, long-time contributor to our contests.

Write a line which starts in a style that appears to be a putdown for a person, product, or service, then end it with something that turns it upside down by turning a negative into a positive. This is the opposite of a previous contest where we started with a positive and then delivered a backhanded, faint-praise compliment. Your challenge is not to submit reworks of previous jokes, but to create new ones. Here are some examples:

- That restaurant serves the world’s worst food, but I eat there every day because when I’m not satisfied, my next meal is free.

- The barking from my new neighbor’s dogs is so annoying that I hadn’t noticed that there have been no prowlers in my back yard since they moved in.

- My husband is a horrible cook, but now I realize how many wonderful friends I’ve made who work as health department inspectors.

Your challenge is to write as many lines as you can. Then submit your
three best three lines for recognition in our Top Three. You can submit
more than three lines. The extra lines will be eligible for Honorable
Mention.   Send your entries to
not later than April 15, 2014.

New joke contests are announced on the first of each month. The next
contest is published on May 1, 2014.

Humor Contest Results — It Was So Windy

Thursday, March 20th, 2014

It’s time for the March Joke Contest. The theme comes from the popular “How Windy Was It” Johnny Carson routine. We had the challenge to come up with lines for:

- How hungry were you?
- How hot were you
- How rich were you?
- How funny were you?

Here are the top lines submitted by our readers:


- I’m so hungry, I’ll swallow anything that political pundits are saying.
Tom Nee, Oak Lawn, Illinois

- I’m so hot, I can’t eat humble pie until it’s cold.
Kaye Newton, Raymond Terrace, New South Wales, Australia

- I’m so rich, I go cow tipping with hundred dollar bills.
Ethan Nguyen, Las Vegas, Nevada

- I’m so funny, when I view the Mona Lisa, she smirks.
Gerald Fleischmann, Fountain Valley, California


- I’m so hungry, I could eat a vegetarian.
Les Harden, Brisbane, Australia

- I’m so hot, I can’t get within three feet of my curtains.
Ardelle Bellman, Las Vegas, Nevada

- I’m so rich, when the old woman in a shoe asked for help to get a bigger place, I bought her Italy.
Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinois

- I’m so un-funny, my joke got Horrible Mention.
Pete Ward


- I’m so hot, I moonlight as sunshine.
- I’m so rich, I vacation in Silicon Valley to see how poor people live.
- I’m so rich, my Hip Hop CDs come with a rapper.
- I’m so rich, I make my stock brokers look like broke stalkers.
- I’m so hungry, I could eat a vegetarian.
- I’m so funny, I made John Kinde smile. Of course he was standing on his head.
- I’m so hot, I am Victoria’s Secret.
- I’m so hungry, my stomach growls at 66 decibels.
- I’m so funny, my wife laughs at all my old jokes every time I tell them.
- I’m so funny, bloggers ask for my joke contest ideas.
- I’m so funny, I drive a clown car.
- I’m so rich, I had the Bentley windshield ground to my glasses prescription.
- I’m so hot, I’m required by law to carry ice cubes at all times.
- I’m so hot, my dates wear fireproof suits.
- I’m so rich, my wife had to divorce me twice.
- I’m so hungry, when I walk into a fast food restaurant, its stock price rises.
- I’m so rich, if I’m losing at the casino, I buy the casino.
- I’m so funny, people laugh at me even before I get to the punchline.
- I’m so hungry, when they see me coming, “all you can eat” restaurants hang “out of business” signs on their door.
- I’m so hot, they call me Mr. Habañero.
- I’m so rich, I hired someone to write the rest of this joke for me.
- I’m so rich, I raise people’s cholesterol just walking past them.
- I’m so funny, the judges of these contests are jealous.
- I’m so funny, my wife laughed at one of my jokes.
- I’m so funny, all the other contestants hired me to write their jokes.

New Joke Contest — It Was So Windy Today

Saturday, March 1st, 2014

The joke theme for this month is inspired by the Johnny Carson joke bit:  ”It was windy today.” The audience replies, “How windy was it?” Carson responds with a series of jokes. “It was so windy that (punch line).”

For this month’s joke contest we’re providing four “joke starters.”  You can write punchlines for just one starter, or more than one, if you feel inspired.

The starters are:
I’m so hungry…
I’m so funny…
I’m so hot…
I’m so rich…

Here are some examples:

I’m so hungry…I could eat something that was good for me.

I’m so funny…I almost made John Kinde smile.

I’m so hot…I have a license to carry a concealed fire extinguisher.

I’m so rich…my total annual income taxes could pay the interest on the national debt for one second.

Write as many lines as you can. Then select your three best lines for consideration by our judges for Top Three Recognition. Additional lines will be eligible for Honorable Mention. Submit your lines by sending them to by March 15, 2014.

Joke Contest Results — Faint Praise

Saturday, February 22nd, 2014

It’s time for the results of our February Joke Contest.  Our top lines were selected by our panel of judges (speakers and improv players).

Our Joke Contests are announced on the first of the month.   You will find our next contest in our Newsletter and on our Blog on March 1.

Here are our top lines from our contest – Faint Praise.  Thanks to David Novick, from Dayton Ohio, for inspiring this month’s Joke Contest theme.


Bob’s Basement Dry Waterproofing:  The transformation was unbelievable.  Before, I had a wet basement, now it’s a swimming pool.

Terry Wall, Washington Township, New Jersey


Their body work on my car was amazing, when I got it back, I couldn’t tell it was a car.

Gerald Fleischmann, Fountain Valley, California


The antacid tablet was so good at getting rid of my indigestion that I completely forgot I was having a heart attack.

Candace Allen, Crofton Maryland

HONORABLE MENTION (In random order)

- Our new apartment complex is only 12 miles from downtown, a mere 90 minutes in rush hour traffic.

- There’s always a line at Sammy’s Subs and Suds, and a couple of ambulances, too.

- Joe is a snazzy dresser, if you like 70′s plaid.

- Of all the times I’ve ever heard this song, his new arrangement was the most recent.

- As handy man companies go, he’s better than the bottom 10 percent of them.

- They are a great bunch of football players, now all they need to do is to be a team.

- The half-time show performers at the Superbowl are so much better than they sounded.

- Herbie doesn’t say much for a counselor, but when he does, he doesn’t say much.

- I was filled with mixed emotions from his lecture, the principal one of which was total boredom.

- The We’ll Fix You Auto Repair Shop is so focused on quality that if we don’t find the problem immediately, we’ll have you bring your car back a second time, a third time, a fourth time, a fifth time.

- Joe’s Movers move your furniture fast, and give you an excuse to repaint your walls.

- I love calling your customer service line.  I can nap while on hold.

- He’s handsome in pitch darkness.

- Our wedding photographer sent us the most beautiful set of pictures…from someone else’s wedding.

New Joke Contest — Faint Praise

Saturday, February 1st, 2014

It’s time for the February Joke Contest.  Thanks to David Novick for suggesting this month’s contest theme…Faint Praise

New Joke Contests are announced on the first of each month.

Here is your challenge for this month’s contest.   Write a line which starts in a style that appears to be a testimonial for a product or service, then end it with something that may not be so flattering.  Here are six examples: 

  – Jerry’s new science-fiction novel has an exciting ending, especially if you skip the middle.

  – Your new Encyclopedia of Quotations makes an excellent doorstop.

  – My new car gets such great mileage that I can now afford to bring it in for all the safety recall notices.

  – Pluto’s Mayonise left a pleasant after-taste immediately after leaving the Emergency Room.

  – The professionals at Groan’s Money Mart make borrowing money I can’t afford a pleasant experience.

  – Slinger’s Casino is a wonderful place to visit my money.

Create an imaginary business or product.  Then write a testimonial with a “faint praise” twist at the end.  Write multiple lines and then pick your best ones to submit.  Your first three entries will be eligible for top-three recognition.  Additional lines will may be recognized for Honorable Mention.  Submit your entries by February 15, 2014 to

Contest Results — Speaking in Code

Saturday, January 25th, 2014

It’s time for the results of our January Joke Contest — Speaking In Code.   The challenge was to uncover the hidden meaning in common expressions.

New Joke Contests are announced on the first of the month.  Our next contest will be February 1.
Here are this month’s top lines selected by our panel of eight judges (speakers and improv players):

 It’s a no brainer.  Code for, “Even I could do it.”
     Sandy Kampner, Evergreen Park, Illinois


Yes, dear.  Code for, “That’s certainly not worth arguing about.”
    Gerald Fleischmann, Fountain Valley, California


To make a long story short.  Code for, “You better sit down because I’m going to be talking for a long time.”
     Candace Allen, Crofton, Maryland


The doctor is running a little late.  Code for, “It will be at least an hour.”
     David Novick, Dayton, Ohio

HONORABLE MENTION (In random order)

  – Sure I’ll marry you, but this is a very important decision. Code for, “We’re talking about the next 6 to 7 years on the average.”
  – Gun Control.  Code for, “using both hands on the rifle.”
  – Have-a-nice-day.  Code for, “Here’s your change. Now take your groceries and MOVE ON!”
  – Don’t be a stranger.”  Code for, “Be a stranger.”
  – That dress looks good on you.  Code for, “I wouldn’t be caught dead in it.”

  – What a lovely gift!  Code for, “I wonder who I can re-gift it to?”
  – I have a headache.  Code for, “Get lost, lover boy.”
  – This is a brand new recipe.  Code for, “You are all my guinea pigs tonight.”
  – I did it my way.  Code for, “I made a mess of it.”
  – Would you consider a larger shoe size, miss?  Code for, “We won’t be trying Cinderella’s glass slippers on those whoppers, sis!”

  – Just a little for me; I’m eating light.  Code for, “I never could stand your cooking.”
  – RSVP.  Code for, “Show up unannounced and we’ll know you’re the social boor we think you are.”
  – Gluten free, soy free, salt free, sugar free, fat free, and lactose free.  Code for, “Nearly tasteless.”
  – Isn’t your puppy cute?  Code for, “Six months and 60 pounds later, it may not be so cute.”
  – I do all my own cooking.  Code for, “I can zap anything they sell on TJ’s ready-to-eat aisle.”

  – I’m back to square one.  Code for, “No wonder I never get called to play Hollywood Squares.”
  – I’m the butt of everyone’s jokes. Code for “I’ve got a big butt.”
  – Time to throw in the towel.  Code for, “That leak in the basement is overflowing.”
  – I have a headache.  Code for, “Not tonight, Honey.”
  – I’ll think about it.  Code for, “Forget about it!”

  – I am so sorry that this happened.  Code for, “Don’t blame me.  It wasn’t my fault
- A stitch in time saves nine. Code for, “Get off your lazy butt and do it now.”
  – Too many cooks spoil the broth.  Code for, “You can’t cook; now please get out of my kitchen.”
  – A penny saved is a penny earned.  Code for “Forget about the fun and finer things in life and you’ll retire at age 65 instead of 75.”
  – A piece of cake.  Code for, “It’s really hard and you’ll probably fail.”

  – Needless to say.  Code for, “I’m going to say this anyway.”
  – The check is in the mail… Code for “You’re not getting paid.”
  – Same old same old.  Code for, “I am bored silly and I really don’t want to talk to you.”
  – Today’s special. Code for, “What we didn’t serve yesterday.”
  – It was a beautiful wedding.  Code for, “How much did that cost?”

  – It is what it is.  Code for, “What is it?”
  – After due consideration.  “Code for, “not a snowball’s chance.”
  – Politically correct.  Code for, “I’m not going to tell the truth!”
  – All the bells and whistles.  Code for, “You bet it’s expensive.”
  – How the other half lives.  Code for, “the one percent.”

  – Brand spanking new.  Code for, “Only used once.”
  – Cleanliness is next to godliness.  Code for, “There’s soap and a shower in the church basement.”
  – The customer is always right.  Code for, “This person is a moron.”     
  – I respect my esteemed colleague from the other side of the aisle.  Code for, “he’s the world’s biggest slime bag.”
  – I only had 2 beers.  Code for, “Please don’t give me a sobriety test.”

  – Let’s have a trial separation.  Code for I want a divorce.
  – We had a frank exchange.  Code for, “We yelled and screamed till we were hoarse.”
  – Whatever.  Code for, “I’m dumb and lazy.”
  – Maybe.  Code for, “No Way, Never Ever, Not a Chance but I’m not saying no because I can’t put up with any more of your whining.”
  – Did you hear the one about.  Code for, “Let me be the center of
attention because I want you to love me.”

  – Just lucky I guess.  Gamblers code for, “I gambled a fortune and got
some back.”
  – Pull over Driver.  Code for, “This will cost you a fortune.”
  – Hmmm. Doctor’s code for, “Your health insurance won’t be enough.”
  – You’ve been a great audience.  Comic’s code for, ” Thank goodness some of you laughed.”

New Joke Contest — Speaking In Code

Wednesday, January 1st, 2014

The January joke contest is called Speaking In Code.  The idea came to me when Bill Parker responded to my request for a written introduction for his upcoming speech.  He replied:  “I’ll bring the introduction with me.  Code for: I haven’t written it yet.”

Then he added: “Towards the end of my presentation, the audience and I will create our own joke using my humor creation process. Is it okay to use you as the subject of a joke?”

 I replied to him:  “Certainly, you can use me as the subject of a joke.  (Code for I’ll have the last laugh.)”

Then I thought, this is a great idea for a humor contest.  What would the CODE be for common expressions?  Here are some examples:

 Last night, I won a $500 slot machine jackpot.  Code for “Don’t ask me how much money I put into the slot machine before I hit the jackpot.”

 Not guilty, your honor.  Code for “I know I’m guilty, but this legal game we’re playing allows me to plead otherwise.”

 Until death do us part.  Code for “Until the initial passion wears off, I get bored and someone else sweeps me off my feet.”

Your creativity challenge for this month is to come up with a common phrase, and then create the code for what it really means.  Write as many items as you can.  Then pick your best three and submit them to by January 15.  Your first three entries will be eligible for Top Three recognition.  You can submit more than three entries and they will be eligible for Honorable Mention.

Joke Contest Results — Name That Drink

Friday, December 20th, 2013

It’s time for the results of our December Joke Contest: Name That Drink.  Here are the top lines for for the contest.

New Joke Contests are announced on the first of each month.

The next contest will open on January 1, 2014.  Set a resolution to improve your humor by entering the contest every month.


The Charlton Heston: Served with the Ten Condiments.
     Tom Nee, Oak Lawn, Illinois


The Nixon Bottled Water: He wanted to make one thing perfectly clear.
     Nancy Lininger, Camarillo, California


The General George S. Patton: Served in a tank.
     Gerald Fleischmann, Fountain Valley, California

 HONORABLE MENTION (In random order)

  – The Dr. OZ:  Makes you feel like a wizard, over the rainbow, down the yellow brick road.
  – The Kanye West:  After a few you won’t know West from East or South.
  – The Judy Graceland: You can order it in Nashville.  Not sold in Kansas anymore.
  – The Jerry Seinfeld: The drink that’s made with nothing.
  – The Michelle Obama: A kiddie cocktail with vitamins and minerals.

  – The Tom Cruise: Made with Top Gin, one sip and you’re flying at Mach 2.
  – The Stephen Spielberg: Avoid close encounters with the third drink.
  – The Rodney Dangerfield:  I tell ya, one drink and I fall asleep.
  – The Jimmy Durante: It’s served in an extra large snifter.
  – The Cary Grant: What else? It’s Julep, Julep, Julep!

  – The Marty Feldman: It’ll uncross your eyes.
  – The Tom Bodett: It’ll turn your lights on.
  – The Julia Child: One part merlot, one part creme fraiche.
  – The Humphrey Bogart: Drink it again, Sam!
  – The Charlie Brown: Always served with peanuts.

  – Sidney Poitier: Vodka and Mister Pibbs.
  – The Steve Jobs: Apple jack with a spritz of inkjet toner.
  – The George Lucas: This drink will make you feel like either Yoda or Jabba, depending on whether the force is with you.
  – The P. T. Barnum: It’s a Jumbo drink with a Sucker stuck in it.
  – The Robin Williams: The only drink served in an old oil lamp.

  – The Carl Sagan: Billions and billions of bubbles.
  – The Johnny Depp: A Sweeney Toddy with a Diary of Rum and stirred with Scissorhands.
  – The Mel Brooks: Makes you look and feel like a 2,000 year old man.
  – The Muhammed Ali: Knocks you out after 2 drinks.
  – The Vincent Van Gogh: One drink and you’ll want to paint the town!

  – The Mick Jagger: It’s on the rock and roll with a splash of botox.
  – The Tom Brady: Drink this when the bar is about to close. You can still score.
  – The Barack Obama: If you like your drink, you can keep your drink.
  – Captain Morgan Freeman: The drink mentioned in Driving Miss Daiquiri.
  – The Marlon Brandy: Served only On the Waterfront.

  – The Wolf Blitzer: One part Wolfschmitt vodka, poured in the right situation.
  – The Ginger Ale Rogers: For the designated driver.
  – Perrier Como: Served in the finest night clubs.
  – The Splash Gordon: A gin drink used to christen spaceships.
  – The Bud Abbott: A beer that tastes funny.

  – The Mel Blanc de Blanc: One glass and you will speak in many voices.
  – Splenda the Good Witch: Sweet but not sugary.
  – The Fifth Dementia: What you get from drinking too many.
  – The Clorox Leachman: Guaranteed to clean you out.

New Joke Contest — Name That Drink

Sunday, December 1st, 2013

The theme for the December joke contest is “Name That Drink.”  You’ve heard of specialty drinks (not necessarily alcoholic) named after real people, such as The Shirley Temple and The Arnold Palmer.  Your challenge this month is to create new drinks named after famous people.  You can tell us the ingredients, or tell us an interesting fact about the drink.  Here are five examples:

   – The Jay Leno–It was a best-seller for 20 years but will soon be taken off the menu.

  – The Dr Phil–After two drinks you’ll be giving the bartender advice.

  – The Jerry Springer–Sold only in bars where there is one bouncer for every two patrons and where the furniture is bolted to the floor.

  – The Ellen DeGeneres–You’re only one drink from dancing.

  – The Judge Judy–You don’t order it because it’s pretty, you order it because it’s smart.  The bar manager knows that patrons will come to order.  The third drink will hit you like a gavel. 

Write as many lines as you can.  Then select your best lines and submit them to by December 14.  Your first three submissions will be eligible for Top Three recognition.  Additional lines will be eligible for Honorable Mention.

New Joke Contests are announced on the first of the month.  Look for our next contest on January 1.

Joke Contest Results — Food Films

Wednesday, November 20th, 2013

Thanks to Sol Morrison’s suggstion for our November Contest theme, we had a popular contest with hundreds of entries.  Because of the mix of humor lines, I felt it would be difficult to pick a first, second and third.  Instead, you will find the results presented in a different format, with the contributors recognized at the end.  Enjoy our November contest results:  FOOD FILMS.

 Now Playing at the FOOD FILM THEATER

  – The Gizzard of Oz

  – From Here to Eaternity

  – 12 Hungry Men

  – The French Toast Connection

  – Silence of the Spam

  – The Ten Condiments

  – Pulp Chicken

  – Double Feature: Supersize Me & The Year of Eating Dangerously

 After your movie, join us at the FOOD FILM RESTAURANT


Now Your Choice of A La Carte or the Full Monty

The Thin Man Doesn’t Eat Here


  – Last Tempura in Paris

  – One Flew Over the Bird’s Nest Soup

  – Forrest Gumbo

  – Appetizer Blue Plate:

      Lord of the Onion Rings

      Fellowship of the Buffalo Wings

      The Two Flours

      The Return of the King Crab


  – Clark Gobble’s Turkey Club–Frankly We Don’t Serve a Ham

  – Dr Suess Just Green Spam and Lettuce  (Saving Private Rye, I am)

  – The Yellow Submarine

  – The Last American Gyro

Early Bird:

  - Good Buy–Mister Fish & Chips

  – Frank & Stein

  – Fried Chicken–Close Encounters of the Bird Kind

  – Spaghetti with Chance of Meatballs–Chef’s Surprise

House Specials:

  – The Prime Rib of our Life

  – Prawn with the Wind

  – Blade Ruiner NY Steak–So Thick You Can’t Cut it With a Knife

  – Sophie’s Choice Sirloin with My Own Private Idaho Potato

  – Mocking Bird–We Kill, Cook and Serve them with Field of Cream Sauce and M.A.S.H.ed potatos

Healthy Choice by Calorie Harper:

  – The SecretGarden Vegetables served with 40-Year-Old Virgin Olive Oil. Prepared with no trans Fat Albert.

Child’s Menu:

  – Country Fried Steak (No Country Fried Steak for Old Men)

  – Honey I Cooked the Kids

Desserts by a Sweet Cart Named Desire:

  – Life of Pie

  – Charlie’s Angels Food Cake

  – Planet of the Crepes


  – Glassa Blanca

  – Leonardo de Cappuccino

  – Clockwork Orange Julius

  – Columbian Roast with Creamer vs Creamer

Join Us Thanksgiving Day

  – A few good meals served with the right stuffing.


C Allen

David Novick

Debbie Harbeson

Erin C

Gerald Fleischmann

Jim Spero

Marty Bernstein

Nancy Lininger

Sandy Kampner

Scott Tredwell

Sol Morrison

Tom Nee