Humor Power

This month’s caption contest features a Credit Union cartoon by our artist Dan Rosandich.

Remember our contest schedule:

New Cartoon Caption Contests are announced on the first of the month.

New Joke Contests are announced on the 15th of the month.

Here’s this month’s cartoon and three captions to get you started.

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I don’t care if you are the Loan Arranger.  Stop calling me Tonto.

Please let me join the Soccer Moms Credit Union…the Middle Aged Guys With Ponytails Credit Union doesn’t have a branch on this side of town.

You invested my retirement money in the Powerball Lottery?

Put on your humor hat and create some captions of your own.  Write, edit, and then select your best lines and submit them to HumorPowerTips@HumorPower.com by May 15, 2008.

Visit the web site of Dan Rosandich for great cartoons and information on how Dan can create custom cartoons for your book, newsletter, web site, T-Shirt, and more!

Here are the top captions from our Bug Court Cartoon Caption Contest.

Look for our next Cartoon Caption Contest on May 1, 2008.

Our next Joke Writing Contest is announced on May 15.

Our featured cartoonist is Dan Rosandich.  Visit his web site, www.DansCartoons.com, for great cartoons and information on creating custom artwork for your next book, newsletter, T-Shirt, or other project.

And here are this month’s top captions:

** FIRST PLACE **

Your Honor, you must find my client innocent of the flower shop theft charge. Anyone knows an ant can’t move a rubber tree plant.
     Derek Bly, Lethbridge, Alberta, Canada

** SECOND PLACE **

I object, your Honor.  I’m a litterbug!  What was I supposed to do?
     Randy Hunt, Chicago, Illinois, USA

** THIRD PLACE (tie) **

For my first witness I call “the fly upon the wall.”
     Andy Dolphin, Mount Barker, Western Australia

**THIRD PLACE (tie) **

Then along came a spider…
     Les Harden, Brisbane, Australia

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

- If I had wings I’d take my case to the high court!
- I oppose bail on the basis that Mr Moth poses a flight risk.
- Mister Centipede was at least one hundred feet away when the crime took place.
- I’m not nervous…I’m a Jitterbug.
- On one hand he looks guilty, on the other hand it’s circumstantial, on the 3rd hand he wasn’t there, and on the 4th hand…
- A little mercy your honor, I have a wife and 4,000 kids to feed.
- Are you kidding?  5 days in jail is a life sentence!
- Yes! I was a witness. The sky darkened and then a giant shoe…
- I will show the jury how the victim was simply enjoying some breakfast when he was struck with a rolled-up newspaper.
- Makeup will do you no good!   This show’s gotta air tonight!  And where’s Judge Judy?
- Your Honor, my client and I do not consider a bunch of Dung Beetles, Black Widow Spiders and Stink Bugs a jury of our peers!
- Beetle Bailey is appearing in this court under false pretenses.
- I am petitioning the court to put a bug in the house.
- Your Honor, I would like to submit this document as exhibit A but I am afraid that it is fly paper and I can’t get loose.
- 98,676 witnesses at the colony can’t all be wrong.
- Mr and Mrs Mantis were married; therefore his death was a joint venture agreement.
- The court will see, the defendants only crime was to respond to natural urges.
- Since Greg the grub’s metamorphism, he has failed to be identified in any line up.
- It’s not a fair jury; seven of the twelve are gardeners!
- If the glove is snug it must be a bug!
- Your Honor, the accused is charged with a heinous act of insecticide.
- We need an adjournment; three members of the jury are building cocoons.
- My client pleads for leniency…it’s not easy being a centipede with a shoe fetish!
- What is the sentence?  12 days of jail!  Couldn’t you just outright say ‘twice the lifetime’?

Our joke writing theme for April is Quirky Sports Teams.  This is an exercise for linking words in a creative way.  Often you’re looking for a word with a double meaning to trigger a joke.

We announce a new joke contest each month around the 15th.

Look for our new Cartoon Caption Contest on May 1.

Here are some examples for Quirky Sports Team one liners:

A football team of Chicago nudists — The Chicago Bares
A bicycle club for political advisors — The Spin Cyclists
A running club for cross-dressers — The Drag Racers

Put your thinking cap on and see what you can come up with.  Edit your best lines and then submit them to us at HumorPowerTips@HumorPower.com by April 30, 2008.

Here are the results from our Quirky Job Placement joke contest.  The top lines were selected by a panel of six judges (speakers and improv players).

Our next joke contest is announced on April 15.

Our next Cartoon Caption Contest is announced on May 1.

Here are the top lines:

** FIRST PLACE **

Public Relations Expert:  Hire the Maytag repairman because he knows a great deal about the spin cycle.
     Derek Bly, Lethbridge, Alberta, Canada

** SECOND PLACE **

Vice-President of Operations:  Hire a priest because he is a white-collar worker in charge of mass production.
     Gary Bachman, Hagerstown, Maryland, USA

** THIRD PLACE **

Courier:  Hire a gynecologist because they are good at making deliveries.
     Arun Ramkumar, Chennai , India

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

- Pianist:  Hire a duck, it’s feathers will make it easier to tickle the ivories.
- Circus clown:  Hire a politician.
- Landscaper:  Hire a reporter to dig up dirt.
- Farmer:  Hire a politician to spread the manure.
- Computer Web Designer:  Hire Spiderman. 
- Accountant:  Hire a farmer because you need an experienced bean counter.
- Politics:  Elect a photographer. Image is everything.
- Sanitation:  Hire a bouncer, they’re not afraid to take out the trash.
- Computers:  Hire the Orkin man, he’ll get the bugs out.
- Weatherman:  Hire an astrologer.  The prediction rate can’t get any worse.
- Plumber:  Hire a Welsh dancer.  They know what to do with clogs.
- Stockbroker:  Hire a baker.  He can make you lots of dough.
- Baker:  Hire a stockbroker.  They patiently hold the dough until it rises.
- Dentist:  Hire a Queen.  She can crown you.
- Grocer:  Hire a bag lady.
- Actor:  Hire a lawyer…they find it easy to make lies look believable.
- Astronomer:  Hire a gossip journalist…they know all about the stars.
- Psychiatrist:  Hire a bartender…people have no problems opening up to them.
- Gas station attendant:  Hire a bodybuilder..they are good at pumping it up.
- Accountant: Hire a chef…he can cook the books well.
- Cobbler:  Hire evangelists….they can mend broken soles.
- Diplomat:  Hire a mime…they will never say anything that could lead to trouble.
- Electrician:  Hire a newsreader…they are good with current affairs
- Stripper:  Hire nudists.  The trick is getting them dressed so they can start working.
- Receptionists make good lobbyists.
- Forest Ranger:  Hire a gigolo…they know all about the wild life.
- Trumpeter:  Hire a publicist…they are good at blowing their own horn.
- Architects:  Hire a writer..they like to build on a plot.
- Professional  Magician:  Hire a sheep rancher…they know how to pull the wool over people’s eyes.
- Anesthesiologist:  Hire a high school principal.  His speeches will save the hospital money.
- Investment bank data analyst:  Hire a train spotter. As long as they take down some numbers regularly, they will have a good sleep at night.

It’s time for the April Cartoon Caption Contest.  No fooling!

Our contests feature the artwork of professional cartoonist Dan Rosandich.

This month our cartoon is Bug Court.

Here are a few captions to see where it could take you.

And I will prove that Roach Motel is deceptive labeling.

He’s a predator…his internet profile says nothing about being the Orkin Man.

You’re honor…the defendent is a snake and in this court doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

Enter the contest by writing several captions and selecting  your best ones for submission to HumorPowerTips@HumorPower.com by April 15, 2008.

Visit www.DansCartoons.com as a resource for cartoons for your book, web site, blog, T-Shirts, and more. Contact Dan for more information. 

Okay, now open up and say “aaaarrrrggghhhhh”…

It’s a funny line.  And I meant to include it in the Honorable Mention list.

I also indended to include an explanation with the results post.  And I forgot.  We normally get an average of 400-500 submissions.  And surprisingly, we rarely have duplicates.  In a normal contest we might have one line duplicated in all the entries.  In the pirate contest, over 20 people submitted jokes with “say arrrrrrgh” as the punchline.  Good writing.  I like the line.  The problem with recognizing the line with so many duplications is that when you publish it as a top-three line, 20 other people are thinking “hey, that was MY line!”  Or, as an Honorable Mention, they’re thinking, “there’s my line, but they changed the words a little.”  A second consideration; with so many people submitting the line, it was considered by the judges to be too obvious.  In my opinion, however, it’s good writing and is funny.  I had intended to publish one of the variations as an Honorable Mention with an explanation.  Arrrrrrrgh!

The full results post immediately follows this post.

Here are the results of the Pirate Cartoon Caption Contest featuring the artwork of Dan Rosandich.

There were lots of great lines, making the judging difficult.  Congratulations to the winners.

Our next caption contest will be announced on April 1.

And mid-month, our next Joke Writing Contest will be announced on April 15.

Here are the top lines:

** FIRST PLACE **

You have lost a leg, a hand and an eye… and you want to know if this will hurt?
     Tim Dumas, Raleigh, North Carolina, USA

** SECOND PLACE **

So, what do you do for a living?
     Les Harden, Brisbane, Australia

** THIRD PLACE **

How long have you worked for Disney?
     Cindy Tebo, Catawissa, Missouri, USA
 
HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

You picked a bad day to be Johnny Depp’s stand in.
Since I quit caffeine I haven’t had to hand out any more eye patches.
One more gold filling and the buried treasure will be in your mouth!
Novocain, gas or rum?
I’m lucky…I can put my hook down before rubbing my eyes.
You make me suffer from hook envy.
Want to hook up later?
One tooth can be saved, but the other two must walk the plank.
Painless dentistry…ha! That’s for gentleman pirates!
They say size doesn’t matter, but your hook IS bigger than mine.
Spit your teeth out and open wide.
How often do you floss your tooth?
Say, I bet you have a mean right hook!
I know you get lonely at sea, but please remove your hand from my leg before I hurt you.
Buccaneering, gunrunning and plundering…I tried them all but the money wasn’t as good as dentistry.
Well if you can’t pay…the next best thing I can do is give you some pain medication and a set of Billy Bob teeth.
Well, I’ve never had anybody ask if they could have this hook, but if it reminds you so much of the one you had as a baby, I guess I could make an exception!

Check out the web site of Dan Rosandich for ideas on adding great cartoons to your next writing project!

Here’s the theme of this month’s contest:  What if we filled traditional jobs with non-traditional people?

Here are a few examples:

Astronomer — Hire a space alien.  At least it might know when a planet is a planet.

Time Management Expert — Hire a well-dressed nun.  It’s all about having good habits.

President of the United States — Elect a baby.  When he or she makes a mess everyone thinks it’s cute.

Look for your own connections.  You can start with a job and search for the unusual person to hire.  Or you can start with a type of person and look for a unique job to put them in. 

Submit your best lines to HumorPowerTips@HumorPower.com by March 29, 2008.

Here are the results for our most recent Joke Contest:  Quirky Clothing.

The next contest will be announced on March 15.

Our next Cartoon Caption Contest will be announced on April 1, no fooling.

Now for the top lines of the Quirky Clothing joke writing contest:

** FIRST PLACE **

School principals love suspenders.
     Arun Ramkumar, Chennai, India

** SECOND PLACE **

Journalists prefer permanent press.
     Andy Dolphin, Mount Barker, Western Australia

** THIRD PLACE **

High-rise construction workers never wear low-rise jeans.
      Randy Hunt, Chicago, Illinois, USA

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

Pole vaulters love their jumpers
UK policeman wouldn’t be without their bobby socks.
Lady service station attendants don pumps.
Lady furriers wear mules.
Lady apartment leaseholders wear flats.
Rock and roll fans love blue suede shoes.
All families love ties.
Alcoholics love cocktail dresses.
Strippers love their birthday suits.
Archers love bow-ties.
Geneticists love Jeans.
Jockeys love, well…jockeys
Karate fighters love black belts.
Pirates love silver Long Johns.
Coffee drinkers don’t like T-shirts.
Cyclists love pedal pushers.
Policemen don’t like hoods.
Border security police don’t like breeches.
Pool players like clothes with pockets.
Fitness trainers like sweaters.
Fire eaters like hot pants.
G-men wear V-neck T-shirts.
Sir Galahad wore a nightshirt.
Herpetologists wear boas.
Talk show hosts like wraps.
Shady salesmen like fleeces.
Electricians are comfortable in Shorts.
Audiologists don’t like earrings.
Employees like to be vested.
Computer users boot up every morning.
Gardeners hate to snag their hose.
Bridge builders like suspenders.
Gamblers love purses.
Musicians like headbands.
Poker players like straight jackets.
Railroad builders like ties.
Apologetic people like saris.
Hungry people like scarfs.
Plumbers like clogs.
Cooks like stovepipe hats.
Canal builders like Panama hats.
The Loch Ness monster has 10 Ness shoes.
Sweat shop executives wear sweat suits.
Lawyers carry their briefs and wear lawsuits.
Dr Spock wants mothers to go strapless.
PI’s wear sneakers.
Insurance claims adjusters don’t like slips.
General Patton slipped into tank tops.
A true champion never wears ties.
Baby boomers now wear Grannie bloomers.
Painters often put on an extra coat.
Australians wear down underwear.
Alcoholics love a good belt.
Masochists love a sock or two.
Nobody looks snappy dressed in a nappy.
Attorneys wear legal briefs.
People with barking dogs wear hush puppies.
Ditch diggers wear trench coats.
People who are always exhausted wear fatigues.
Diligent people never wear loafers, but bakers do.
Do not wear slippers on freshly waxed floor.
Garment workers don suspenders and brace themselves with a stiff belt whenever company negotiators flip-flop, skirt the issue, hem and haw and talk through their hats.

Time flies.  It’s time for the March Cartoon Caption Contest. We feature the artwork of professional cartoonist Dan Rosandich.

Remember, we announce a new Cartoon Caption Contest on the first of the month.

And we announce a new Joke Contest on the 15th of the month.

Here’s this month’s cartoon and three captions to get your thinking process started.

I recommend you always floss after you plunder.

No kidding?  You used to be a dentist?

Great news!  I can save one tooth.

Challenge yourself to create a few captions for this cartoon.  Submit them to HumorPowerTips@HumorPower.com by March 15, 2008.

Visit www.DansCartoons.com for a huge directory of cartoons organized by categories.  Check with Dan about creating custom cartoons for your book, web site, newsletter, T-Shirt and more.  Write to Dan at Dan@DansCartoons.com.