Humor Power

You’ll recognize the name of Marty Bernstein.  He is a frequent contest submitter and winner.  One of his secrets that “quality comes from quantity.”  Rarely does a winner write only one joke.  Often, a winner has written MANY jokes.  That’s a key to remember as a humorous speaker.  If you want to open a talk with one observational humor line, your best bet is to write ten or twenty lines.  Or better yet…thirty or more.  Then when you pick the best line, odds are pretty good that it’s a great line.

Entries for the joke contests are manually processed through four iterations.  Occasionally I lose some lines in the process…not just one or two or a person’s lines…but all the lines submitted by a single person.  I suffer from Pressbyopia…being so close to the jokes that I can’t see them as press time nears.  That happened this month with Marty’s Disease Definition lines.  My apologies.  He is an example of someone who submits QUANTITY and QUALITY.  Here’s a peek into the funny mind of Marty Bernstein.  My comments are in parenthesis.

  – Oughtism:  An irresistible desire to tell people what they should do.  He uses the vehicle of twisting a real disease into a new, sound-alike disease.  This was one of my favorite lines.)
  – Coalitis:  Severe pain in the derriere caused by paying electric bills.
  – Humoralgia:  Formal name for the pain caused by puns.  (One of our Honorable Mentions this month was Groans Disease, also a pun disease.)
  – Republodemocratism:  Main symptom–American politics inaction.
  – Nursissism:  A really beautiful medical caregiver…just ask her.
  – Chronic Fatigues Syndrome:  Soldiers get this from wearing their uniforms after their third or more tour of duty.  (The trigger is the double meaning of fatigue.)
  – Warps:  Skin bumps caused by extreme starship acceleration.
  – Whoopie Cough:  Caught from a romantic partner with an upper respiratory infection.  (Best prevented by coughing into a cushion.)
  – Veryclose Veins:  A condition in which a person’s blood vessels are next to each other.
  – Ulsters:  Irritation of the intestinal tract caused by the environment in Northern Ireland.  Found in the British Isles.
  – Atomic Ache:  Caused by eating  too much irradiated food.
  – Toastmaster Traumatic Stress Disorder (TTSD):  What a new Toastmaster feels before a first speech.
  – A. Christieitus:  Addiction to murder mysteries
  – Y’alzheimer’s:  Forgetting everyone you know south of the Mason-Dixon Line.  (Great line.)
  – Autotransmissia:  A total inability to to learn how to drive a stick shift vehicle.
  – Midrift:  A disease characterized by belly fat hanging below the waist.
  – Harryreidism:  A politician holding his breath until the rest of the country turns blue, usually occurs with:
  – Johnboehneritis:  A politician holding the country’s breath until everyone gets red with rage.  (Political jokes run the risk of missing the target.  Joking about both sides can help reduce that risk.  I’d shorten the Diseases to Reidism and Boehneritis, and let the reader get the joke with less information.)
  – Curbism:  A disorder that causes people to park their cars half on the side walk, and to believe that it is art.  (Love the line.  Includes a topper.)
  – Blue Light Bankruptcy:  Caused by too much layaway at K-Mart.
  – Politicks:  An irritating condition consisting of politicians getting under one’s skin.  Also puts one at risk for Lyin disease.  (Excellent topper.)
  – Rudeitis:  Prevents victims from recognizing their own impoliteness, lack of culture and uncouthness.
  – Badpassive-aggression:  Anger resulting from throwing interceptions.
  – Polar Disorder:  Fear of extreme cold.
  – Platonic Schizophrenia:  Being in non-sexual love with your other self.  
  – Alamoan:  People exhibiting grief about the famous 1846 Texas siege.
  – Scancer:  Frequent disease of x-ray machine operators.
  – Kinde-Heartedness:  An affliction best described as having internal organs similar to a funny public speaking expert.
  – Synchronicity:  A Sting operation by the Police. 
  – Megalophonic:  A big talker.
  – Demontia:  A condition in which you grow horns and lose cognition, and probably tell bad jokes).
  – Old Yeller Fever:  Disease caught from ill dogs.

Here are the results of this month’s joke contest–Disease Definitions

New Joke Contests are announced on the first of the month (alternating months).

New Cartoon Caption Contests are announced on the first of the month (alternating months).  The next caption contest is September 1, 2011.

** FIRST PLACE **

Ghost-Partum Depression:  Unexpected loneliness after a priest has performed an Exorcism to rid your home of a long-term poltergeist.

     Sol Morrison, Santa Barbara, California

** SECOND PLACE **

Carpool Tunnel Syndrome:  Fear of driving under water from Manhattan to Jersey City.

     Tom Nee, Oak Lawn, Illinois

** THIRD PLACE **

Irritable Vowel Syndrome (AKA Vanna White Disease):  Inability to separate consonants from vowels when spelling.
 
     Sandy Kampner, Evergreen Park, Illinois

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

  – Deep Deaf Listening, especially between family members and friends, is to look at somebody talking without hearing what is being said.
  – Situational Thespian Unequivocally Positing In Detail:  A tragic condition found among actors who believe that because they’ve studied for a role, they are now fully equipped to talk about world issues, usually regarding Third World dictatorships hostile to the country that allows the actor the freedom to make a living.
  – Secret of Life Disease (SOLD):  A life-long search for an idea that will make them happy all the time.  Finding that secret leads to:  Constantly sharing the secret (CSTSOLD).
  – Texticular Atrophy:  All action stops except for rapid finger motions on keypads.  As with many related diseases, cures can be temporary, and effected by wrenching said keypad out of the hands of the patient and heaving it into the nearest large body of water.
  – Surfing Surfeit:  Inability to keep watching only one channel for more than three seconds. Typically caused by the channels being watched, which normally change camera shots every 1.5 seconds.  Cure: Handcuffs and blindfold usually very effective.
  – Mario’s Disease:  Uncontrolled addiction to video games, first identified by the famous doctor team, the Mario brothers of Mario Clinic fame.  Cure: Power failures produce remissions, but these are generally accompanied by withdrawal symptoms.
  – Tube Eye: Patient reports being stuck to a TV, either in direct contact or at a few feet distance, for many hours daily.  Patient typically doesn’t notice this symptom and is usually reported by a parent or spouse.  Cure: Effected by releasing the TV’s magnetic pull; typically by interrupting the TV signal by turning it off or unplugging it.  Cutting the electrical cord results in longer remissions.
  – Meant-al Deficiency Syndrome: Patient often says, “I meant to do it,” or “I meant to (just about anything else).”  Closely related to procrastination complex.
  – Radio Ear: Patient listens intently all day to talk radio.  Two forms are reported: Radio Ear, Left (Sinister), and Radio Ear, Right (Dexter).  Cure: None.  Relief is temporary and achieved only when travelling beyond the station’s broadcast range, or when surfing, skiing, or diving.
  – I.M.itis:  A reflex action initially caused by receiving an Instant Message.  Patient reflexively sends an I.M. (usually unintelligible) and the disease spreads uncontrollably, sometimes for days.  Cure: Surreptitiously removing the patient’s cell phone battery is the most effective course of action.
  – Carpool Tunnel Vision Syndrome:    Two main symptoms.  1. A compulsion to drive alone, even when gas costs $5/gallon and carpool websites provide ride sharing options galore.  2. Rationalizations as to why one should not go to ride sharing websites.  Two main cures:  1. Car breaks down when you gotta get somewhere.  2. Sudden increase in price of gas to $10.
  – Sudden Debt Syndrome:  Causes you to realize that you owe $1500 more today than you did yesterday.
  – Juvenile hereditary anxiety:  Passed on from teens to parents.  Basically drives mom and dad nuts.
  – Heavy Metal Poisoning:  Causes kids to go nuts just before they go deaf.
   – Pseudo Reformism.  Causes local politicians to believe that they can go to Washington and make positive changes.
  – Narc-o-lepsy:  The urge to fall asleep when being arrested by a DEA agent.
   – Auto Buffoon Disease.  Affects owners of gigantic SUV’s designed to scale Mt. Everest.  Symptom:  An inability to cross an itty-bitty railroad track without slowing to 1/2 mph.
   – Convention Deficit Disorder.  The inability to nominate a presidential candidate who will promise to lower the deficit.
   – Young Urban Kids Disease (YUK).  Color blindness when buying clothes.
   – Lack Toes Intolerance:  Causes people to look down on those with less than ten lower digits.
   – Restless Leg Syndrome:  Causes your car to stop and go as you bounce on the accelerator to the beat of the song on the radio.
  – Groan’s Disease:  Symptom:  Inappropriate laughing at awful jokes.

The theme for this month’s contest is:  Disease Definitions.

New Joke Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).

New Cartoon Caption Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).  The next Cartoon Caption Contest will be announced September 1, 2011.

Your challenge is to make up a new disease which describes some quality or behavior you see in everyday life.  You should include a name for the disease and a description.  You could include the symptoms or the cure.  You could describe how the disease is acquired.

Here’s an example:

Partisan Politics Disease (also known as PP Disease) — Highly-contagious and most easily contracted in Washington DC.  Symptoms:  The urge to vote the party line without using common sense.

See what you can come up with.  Submit your top three lines to HumorPowerTips@HumorPower.com by August 20, 2011.  To be eligible for our top three recognition, also submit your Name, City and State.

It’s time for the results of our July Cartoon Caption Contest featuring the artwork of professional cartoonist Dan Rosandich.

New Cartoon Caption Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).

New Joke Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).  The next Joke Contest is August 1, 2011.

Here are the top captions for this month’s contest:

** FIRST PLACE **

The music is so bad there it will make you want to cut off your ear.
     Scott Knight, Las Vegas, Nevada

**SECOND PLACE **

Next week they’re doing a musical–Hello Dali.
    Terry Wall, Washington Township, New Jersey

** THIRD PLACE **

This place brings back a lot of memories, doesn’t it Edith?  Let’s walk home the other way next time, okay?
     Sol Morrison, Santa Barbara, California

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

  – This is another reason why Vincent cut off his ear.
  – I heard that their party wagon is broken–no van go.
  – I understand it is an ears-optional club.
  – Chucky cheese should have thought of this!
  – The only song they play in there is “Starry Starry Night” by Don Mclean.
  – He must have created this club to help get through his blue period.
  – My friend Vincent runs it.  He doesn’t mind the loud music–he just listens with one ear.
  – Great drinks, but the decor is impressionistic.
  – Gogh Gogh, Lady Gaga…sounds like the world is being run by babies.
  – These vibrant colors are from Van Gogh’s psychedelic period.
  – That reminds me, Edith.  I have a chiropractic exam tomorrow, and your hearing aid needs a new battery.
  – They say you can hear music in his paintings.
  – Let’s go in and paint the town pastel.
  – Do you still have that star studded tube top?
  – I can’t believe they rebuilt it after that horrible Disco Inferno.
  – Didn’t that used to be a restaurant from “Kitchen Nightmares?
  – It may be hip, but I’d have to replace mine if we went in there.
  – Let’s see what’s in the window.  Maybe we can figure out what those letters mean.
  – They probably think Beethoven’s Fifth is a German whiskey.
  – You know the economy’s tough when an art museum has to merge with a disco.
  – Another reason to get rid of the National Endowment for the Arts
  – What’s next? The Dali Deli?
  – Looks like a place where you can really paint the town red and dance yours ears off!
  – Just what we needed–another post-impressionist nightclub!

Visit cartoonist Dan Rosandich who has an extensive and in-depth archive of categorized cartoons and cartoon pictures available for licensing at negotiable fees.

It’s time for our Cartoon Caption Contest for the month of July.  We feature the art of professional cartoonist Dan Rosandich.

New Cartoon Caption Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).

New Joke Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).  The next Joke Contest is August 1, 2011.

Here is the cartoon:

Write as many captions as you can.  Then select your best three captions and submit them.  You can submit more than three lines, the extra lines will be eligible for honorable mention.  Only your first three lines will be judged by our panel of judges for first, second and third place.

Select and submit your best entries, and your city/state/country, by July 15, 2011, to HumorPowerTips@HumorPower.com

Visit cartoonist Dan Rosandich who has an extensive and in-depth archive of categorized cartoons and cartoon pictures available for licensing at negotiable fees.

Here are the results of this month’s joke contest–Crime and Punishment.  Our panel of ten judges picked our top lines.

New Joke Contests are announced on the first of the month (alternating months).

New Cartoon Caption Contests are announced on the first of the month (alternating months).  The next caption contest is July 1, 2011.

**FIRST PLACE**

If a person is caught stealing from a library, the judge will throw the book at him.
     Tom Nee, Oak Lawn, Illinois

**SECOND PLACE**

An electrician who continually wired short circuits would be grounded.
     Gerald Fleischmann, Fountain Valley, California.

**THIRD PLACE**

A person wearing their pants too low would be sentenced to 90 days in a crack house.
     Darin Thompson, Smithfield, Utah

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)
 
  – If you are a mobile phone addict, you are confined to a cell.
  – Stockbrokers giving bad advice need the stockade.
  – If you can’t do the hokey, you spend time in the pokey.
  – A cook who burnt the Thanksgiving turkey would have to eat crow.
  – An unconvincing mime would have to serve time in a real box.
  – A chef whose souffle fell would have egg on his face.
  – A curmudgeonly chiropractor would get an attitude adjustment.
  – A lousy chess player would lose his mate.
  – A songwriter who never had a hit was forced to decompose.
  – A hungry scuba diver would have to sink for his supper.
  – Bad record-keepers will defiled.
  – Clumsy ballet dancers will be disgraced.
  – Small minded thinkers will be belittled.
  – Anyone caught stowing away on an airplane would be given a parachute and sent down.
  – A person disparaging the talents of a mixologist would serve time behind bars.
  – Politicians convicted of misconduct would be sent to the big house.
  – People who make fun of professional wrestlers would spend time on The Rock.
  – A teen caught wearing his pants so low that his underwear shows would be remanded into the custody of the fashion police.
  – A bully who gives others a hard time would serve hard time.
  – A person who behaves like a pig would spend time in the pen.
  – Those convicted of marijuana possession would serve time in the joint.
  – A person caught polluting would be sent up the river.
  – Teens who do not clean up their rooms would be put away.
  – Anyone who shuts a door too loudly will be thrown into the slammer.
  – A football player was accused of using stolen wig for football, and convicted of tress-passing.
  – The driver convicted of a u-turn had his conviction reversed by an appeals court.
  – A crooked real estate agent spent time in the big house.
  – A one-armed bandit in Las Vegas was convicted of taking money from gamblers. It was sentenced to community service of cleaning craps tables until it was 21.
  – In one case, the lawbreaker spread grease and dirt where he broke the law.   The judge cautioned the jury to make sure the punishment fit the grime.
  – A bad vocalist was sentenced to time in Sing Sing.
  – A pie thief was sentenced for disturbing the piece. He had previous convictions:  He ruined a garden and was convicted of disturbing the peas, and in Georgia, he drove through a farm and was accused of disturbing the peach.  He was also known to make his own pies and dropped them off unannounced at friends’ houses. He had a conviction for baking and entering because of this.
  – A crooked barge operator was sent up the river.
  – When the Mount Rushmore sculptor chipped away too much rock from one of the faces, he faced monumental charges.
  – John Kinde’s contest panel was sentenced to judging bad jokes.
The Air Force pilot with a wig was accused of carpet bombing.
  – A butcher convicted of stabbing someone was able to present evidence that he did not commit the crime. His sentence was cut.
  – A drug addict convicted of stealing narcotic tablets was placed in a pillory.
  – An actor who couldn’t remember his dialogue was sentenced to wear a uniform with lines on it.
  – An impersonator was sentenced to double time.
  – In court, the juvenile delinquent claimed he was just kidding.
  – A man opened his flashlight and flung the power cells at a victim. He was convicted of assault with battery.
  – A nylon thief was caught. He went to confession and was instructed to pray the hosiery 25 times.
  – A college student found guilty of unintentional poisoning with plant material and was sentenced to horticulture class at an Ivy League school.
  – A bowler was accused of striking another bowler.  He was convicted and sentenced to spare time, to be split between two jails.

The theme for this month’s contest is:  Crime and Punishment.

New Joke Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).

New Cartoon Caption Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).  The next Cartoon Caption Contest will be announced July 1, 2011.

Your challenge is to come up with an activity, which may or may not be a crime and then determine what the punishment would be.

For example:

  – An employee guilty of inflating his expense account would serve time in a padded cell.
  – A person caught playing solitare at work would be placed in solitary confinement.
  – A bad comedian would serve time in a funny farm.

See what you can come up with.  Submit your top three lines to HumorPowerTips@HumorPower.com by June 15, 2011.  To be eligible for our top three recognition, also submit your Name, City and State.

It’s time for the results of our May Cartoon Caption Contest featuring the artwork of professional cartoonist Dan Rosandich.

New Cartoon Caption Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).

New Joke Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).   The next Joke Contest is June 1, 2011.

Here are the top captions for this month’s contest:

** FIRST PLACE **

Mom said that if I keep failing I will have to be in school forever.  Is that what happened to you?
     Darin Thompson, Smithfield, Utah

** SECOND PLACE **

Whaddya mean you’re making an exception to the “No Child Left Behind” policy?
     Al Jensen, Las Vegas, Nevada

** THIRD PLACE **

I’m requesting asylum, going home is not an option.
     Timothy Busam, Cary, North Carolina

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

  – I’d like to start a “C” Mediocre Roll.
  – My parents would like to trade me in for a kid who makes better grades.
  – Let me just say that even though I did it, I’m not responsible.
  – Mom, are you going to lecture me again at home?
  – But if I get good grades, I might get stuck at a desk job.
  – Are you sure this is a good example of my Dad’s tax dollars at work?
  – “Everything we know we learned from someone else!” John Wooden
  – Wow, it is funny how YOUR Report Card looks exactly like mine!
  – Well, ma’am, at least my report card shows I was most improved in recess, texting, and acne.
  – It’s a letter from my mom.  She can’t spell any better than me.
  – So even if I did ransack your desk, how could my fingerprints get that big?
  – Okay, I promise never again to misspell “Joey is a doofus-head.”
  – Believe me, I didn’t cheat on that test; I just accidentally got lucky.
  – But How could I forge my dad’s signature, Miss Randolph, when I got an “F” in Penmanship?
  – It’s my investors:  They need us to take a closer look at the numbers.
  – I have been told this is not a Refrigerator-Quality document.
  – My dad’s a celebrity and he won’t autograph my report card unless I pay him.
  – Don’t I get extra credit for creative writing…and creative Algebra, and creative History?
  – There’s a direct correlation between recent teacher salary cuts and my lower GPA.
  – Do you have a paper shredder?
  – Yes I am embarrassed for walking into the girls bathroom. After all, it’s the 8th time this week.
  – Can I help it if I have dumb DNA?
  – But someone has to be the anchor.
  – Is that my acceptance letter to the military academy?
  – Let me guess:  Denied by another magnet school?
  – I can’t believe you have a security camera in the girls locker room
  – But I’m not going to college.  I’m gonna’ get a part on Jersey Shores
  – Whaddya mean I gotta have good grades to get into clown college?
  – Grade School should come with a money-back guarantee.
  – I knew it wasn’t a good idea to go to the same school as you, Mom.
  – This report will be very damaging to my father’s self esteem.
  – We have an issue. The new ink used in the report card is difficult to erase.

Visit cartoonist Dan Rosandich who has an extensive and in-depth archive of categorized cartoons and cartoon pictures available for licensing at negotiable fees.

A caption contest using a picture with some photo editing to customize it.  What a great idea.  It comes from Brad Montgomery’s blog, Laugh-O-Nomics.   Brad, a funny guy and humor pro,  inserts a photo of himself into the Royal Wedding.

Here is the caption I wrote for the photo.

“Why not?  The line is shorter than the one for wedding cake.”

The joke is driven by an implied punchline.  He’s waiting for a kiss (the unstated punchline).  The reader also has a choice.  “Waiting for a kiss from Princess Kate.”  OR “Waiting for a kiss from Prince William.”  They’ll pick what is funniest for them, making it a safe joke.  The superiority theory is working here.  The reader is allowed to “get the joke” by creating the punchline in their head.  If the joke doesn’t make sense to them, they still feel superior because they think the author of the joke (me) is stupid for writing a bad joke!  It’s a joke with no risk.

It’s time for our Cartoon Caption Contest for the month of May.  We feature the art of professional cartoonist Dan Rosandich.

New Cartoon Caption Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).

New Joke Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).   The next Joke Contest is June 1, 2011.

Here is the cartoon:

Write as many captions as you can.  Then select your best three captions and submit them.  You can submit more than three lines, the extra lines will be eligible for honorable mention.  Only your first three lines will be judged by our panel of judges for first, second and third place.

Select and submit your best entries, and your city/state/country, by May 15, 2011, to HumorPowerTips@HumorPower.com

Visit cartoonist Dan Rosandich who has an extensive and in-depth archive of categorized cartoons and cartoon pictures available for licensing at negotiable fees.