Humor Power

It’s time for our Cartoon Caption Contest for the month of July.  We feature the art of professional cartoonist Dan Rosandich.

New Cartoon Caption Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).

New Joke Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).  The next Joke Contest is August 1, 2011.

Here is the cartoon:

Write as many captions as you can.  Then select your best three captions and submit them.  You can submit more than three lines, the extra lines will be eligible for honorable mention.  Only your first three lines will be judged by our panel of judges for first, second and third place.

Select and submit your best entries, and your city/state/country, by July 15, 2011, to HumorPowerTips@HumorPower.com

Visit cartoonist Dan Rosandich who has an extensive and in-depth archive of categorized cartoons and cartoon pictures available for licensing at negotiable fees.

Here are the results of this month’s joke contest–Crime and Punishment.  Our panel of ten judges picked our top lines.

New Joke Contests are announced on the first of the month (alternating months).

New Cartoon Caption Contests are announced on the first of the month (alternating months).  The next caption contest is July 1, 2011.

**FIRST PLACE**

If a person is caught stealing from a library, the judge will throw the book at him.
     Tom Nee, Oak Lawn, Illinois

**SECOND PLACE**

An electrician who continually wired short circuits would be grounded.
     Gerald Fleischmann, Fountain Valley, California.

**THIRD PLACE**

A person wearing their pants too low would be sentenced to 90 days in a crack house.
     Darin Thompson, Smithfield, Utah

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)
 
  – If you are a mobile phone addict, you are confined to a cell.
  – Stockbrokers giving bad advice need the stockade.
  – If you can’t do the hokey, you spend time in the pokey.
  – A cook who burnt the Thanksgiving turkey would have to eat crow.
  – An unconvincing mime would have to serve time in a real box.
  – A chef whose souffle fell would have egg on his face.
  – A curmudgeonly chiropractor would get an attitude adjustment.
  – A lousy chess player would lose his mate.
  – A songwriter who never had a hit was forced to decompose.
  – A hungry scuba diver would have to sink for his supper.
  – Bad record-keepers will defiled.
  – Clumsy ballet dancers will be disgraced.
  – Small minded thinkers will be belittled.
  – Anyone caught stowing away on an airplane would be given a parachute and sent down.
  – A person disparaging the talents of a mixologist would serve time behind bars.
  – Politicians convicted of misconduct would be sent to the big house.
  – People who make fun of professional wrestlers would spend time on The Rock.
  – A teen caught wearing his pants so low that his underwear shows would be remanded into the custody of the fashion police.
  – A bully who gives others a hard time would serve hard time.
  – A person who behaves like a pig would spend time in the pen.
  – Those convicted of marijuana possession would serve time in the joint.
  – A person caught polluting would be sent up the river.
  – Teens who do not clean up their rooms would be put away.
  – Anyone who shuts a door too loudly will be thrown into the slammer.
  – A football player was accused of using stolen wig for football, and convicted of tress-passing.
  – The driver convicted of a u-turn had his conviction reversed by an appeals court.
  – A crooked real estate agent spent time in the big house.
  – A one-armed bandit in Las Vegas was convicted of taking money from gamblers. It was sentenced to community service of cleaning craps tables until it was 21.
  – In one case, the lawbreaker spread grease and dirt where he broke the law.   The judge cautioned the jury to make sure the punishment fit the grime.
  – A bad vocalist was sentenced to time in Sing Sing.
  – A pie thief was sentenced for disturbing the piece. He had previous convictions:  He ruined a garden and was convicted of disturbing the peas, and in Georgia, he drove through a farm and was accused of disturbing the peach.  He was also known to make his own pies and dropped them off unannounced at friends’ houses. He had a conviction for baking and entering because of this.
  – A crooked barge operator was sent up the river.
  – When the Mount Rushmore sculptor chipped away too much rock from one of the faces, he faced monumental charges.
  – John Kinde’s contest panel was sentenced to judging bad jokes.
The Air Force pilot with a wig was accused of carpet bombing.
  – A butcher convicted of stabbing someone was able to present evidence that he did not commit the crime. His sentence was cut.
  – A drug addict convicted of stealing narcotic tablets was placed in a pillory.
  – An actor who couldn’t remember his dialogue was sentenced to wear a uniform with lines on it.
  – An impersonator was sentenced to double time.
  – In court, the juvenile delinquent claimed he was just kidding.
  – A man opened his flashlight and flung the power cells at a victim. He was convicted of assault with battery.
  – A nylon thief was caught. He went to confession and was instructed to pray the hosiery 25 times.
  – A college student found guilty of unintentional poisoning with plant material and was sentenced to horticulture class at an Ivy League school.
  – A bowler was accused of striking another bowler.  He was convicted and sentenced to spare time, to be split between two jails.

The theme for this month’s contest is:  Crime and Punishment.

New Joke Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).

New Cartoon Caption Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).  The next Cartoon Caption Contest will be announced July 1, 2011.

Your challenge is to come up with an activity, which may or may not be a crime and then determine what the punishment would be.

For example:

  – An employee guilty of inflating his expense account would serve time in a padded cell.
  – A person caught playing solitare at work would be placed in solitary confinement.
  – A bad comedian would serve time in a funny farm.

See what you can come up with.  Submit your top three lines to HumorPowerTips@HumorPower.com by June 15, 2011.  To be eligible for our top three recognition, also submit your Name, City and State.

It’s time for the results of our May Cartoon Caption Contest featuring the artwork of professional cartoonist Dan Rosandich.

New Cartoon Caption Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).

New Joke Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).   The next Joke Contest is June 1, 2011.

Here are the top captions for this month’s contest:

** FIRST PLACE **

Mom said that if I keep failing I will have to be in school forever.  Is that what happened to you?
     Darin Thompson, Smithfield, Utah

** SECOND PLACE **

Whaddya mean you’re making an exception to the “No Child Left Behind” policy?
     Al Jensen, Las Vegas, Nevada

** THIRD PLACE **

I’m requesting asylum, going home is not an option.
     Timothy Busam, Cary, North Carolina

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

  – I’d like to start a “C” Mediocre Roll.
  – My parents would like to trade me in for a kid who makes better grades.
  – Let me just say that even though I did it, I’m not responsible.
  – Mom, are you going to lecture me again at home?
  – But if I get good grades, I might get stuck at a desk job.
  – Are you sure this is a good example of my Dad’s tax dollars at work?
  – “Everything we know we learned from someone else!” John Wooden
  – Wow, it is funny how YOUR Report Card looks exactly like mine!
  – Well, ma’am, at least my report card shows I was most improved in recess, texting, and acne.
  – It’s a letter from my mom.  She can’t spell any better than me.
  – So even if I did ransack your desk, how could my fingerprints get that big?
  – Okay, I promise never again to misspell “Joey is a doofus-head.”
  – Believe me, I didn’t cheat on that test; I just accidentally got lucky.
  – But How could I forge my dad’s signature, Miss Randolph, when I got an “F” in Penmanship?
  – It’s my investors:  They need us to take a closer look at the numbers.
  – I have been told this is not a Refrigerator-Quality document.
  – My dad’s a celebrity and he won’t autograph my report card unless I pay him.
  – Don’t I get extra credit for creative writing…and creative Algebra, and creative History?
  – There’s a direct correlation between recent teacher salary cuts and my lower GPA.
  – Do you have a paper shredder?
  – Yes I am embarrassed for walking into the girls bathroom. After all, it’s the 8th time this week.
  – Can I help it if I have dumb DNA?
  – But someone has to be the anchor.
  – Is that my acceptance letter to the military academy?
  – Let me guess:  Denied by another magnet school?
  – I can’t believe you have a security camera in the girls locker room
  – But I’m not going to college.  I’m gonna’ get a part on Jersey Shores
  – Whaddya mean I gotta have good grades to get into clown college?
  – Grade School should come with a money-back guarantee.
  – I knew it wasn’t a good idea to go to the same school as you, Mom.
  – This report will be very damaging to my father’s self esteem.
  – We have an issue. The new ink used in the report card is difficult to erase.

Visit cartoonist Dan Rosandich who has an extensive and in-depth archive of categorized cartoons and cartoon pictures available for licensing at negotiable fees.

A caption contest using a picture with some photo editing to customize it.  What a great idea.  It comes from Brad Montgomery’s blog, Laugh-O-Nomics.   Brad, a funny guy and humor pro,  inserts a photo of himself into the Royal Wedding.

Here is the caption I wrote for the photo.

“Why not?  The line is shorter than the one for wedding cake.”

The joke is driven by an implied punchline.  He’s waiting for a kiss (the unstated punchline).  The reader also has a choice.  “Waiting for a kiss from Princess Kate.”  OR “Waiting for a kiss from Prince William.”  They’ll pick what is funniest for them, making it a safe joke.  The superiority theory is working here.  The reader is allowed to “get the joke” by creating the punchline in their head.  If the joke doesn’t make sense to them, they still feel superior because they think the author of the joke (me) is stupid for writing a bad joke!  It’s a joke with no risk.

It’s time for our Cartoon Caption Contest for the month of May.  We feature the art of professional cartoonist Dan Rosandich.

New Cartoon Caption Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).

New Joke Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).   The next Joke Contest is June 1, 2011.

Here is the cartoon:

Write as many captions as you can.  Then select your best three captions and submit them.  You can submit more than three lines, the extra lines will be eligible for honorable mention.  Only your first three lines will be judged by our panel of judges for first, second and third place.

Select and submit your best entries, and your city/state/country, by May 15, 2011, to HumorPowerTips@HumorPower.com

Visit cartoonist Dan Rosandich who has an extensive and in-depth archive of categorized cartoons and cartoon pictures available for licensing at negotiable fees.

Here are the results from our April contest — Classic TV Updated.  The top three entries were selected by a panel of eight judges (speakers and improv players).

New Joke Contests are announced on the first of the month (alternating months).

New Cartoon Caption Contests are announced on the first of the month (alternating months).  The next caption contest is May 1, 2011.

** FIRST PLACE **

Starshrek–With a five year mission to go where no ogre has gone before.
     Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinois

** SECOND PLACE **

Southern Exposure–Young doctor does his internship in a nudist camp.
     Gerald Fleischmann, Fountain Valley, California

** THIRD PLACE **

Who Wants To Be A Billionaire
     D. Allen, Crofton, Maryland

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

  – M*U*S*H–A raucous compilation of the funniest hijinks that happened during the Korean War.
  – Howdy Dooit–In this detective thriller, our hero pulls all the strings.
  – The Paper Chaise–Follow the whirlwind lives of Origami students.
  – The Mild Mild West–This private investigator team prefers to beat their villains with time outs and tough love.
  – Leave it to the Beverly Hill St. Blues–The logical result of program fusion.
  – The Frying Nun–Gourmets genuflect over the convent’s cookery.
  – Murder She Rote–Weekly original mystery stories that totally engross the viewer while following the same, stodgy formula.
  – Bananza–Life with a cowboy family on a tropical plantation.
  – Watch Mr. Blizzard–He just loves to snow the kids with science.
  – Have Gum, Will Travel–It’s BlackJack for this gunslinger, Palate-in.
  – They Call Me MISTER Rogers–Mild-mannered nice guy brings law and order to a really tough neighborhood.
  – The Frying Nun–Grounded for buzzing the convent, our heroine soars to new heights as a culinary convert.
  – S*M*A*S*H – Horrific surgical accidents caught on film.
  – The Ozzie Divorced Harriet and Married Sharon Show–Proving once again that there is no perfect family.
  – Welcome Back Carter–Our greatest living ex-president re-enters the presidential race on the Habitat for Humanity platform.
  – Green Acres–Follow the adventures of medicinal marijuana growers.
  – The Waltons–Sam Walton rises from the grave to throw out all foreign-made Wal-Mart products.
  – Gilligan’s Survivor Island–Tempers run high as America’s favorite castaways plot and conspire against each other.
  – Three’s Company–A guy lives with three females.  So What?
  – The Gong Show Idol–No annoying voting, just a lot of gong banging
  – The Honeymooners on Gilligan’s Island–The Royal misadventures of Prince William and Kate.
  – The Sopranos–An American Idol spinoff for opera singers only.
  – Rat Patrol–Adorable cartoon rodents live and love beneath the streets of New York City.
  – Fantasy Island–A comedy where people think they can afford to pay for gas in their vehicle.
  – Howahya  Five-O: A group of Friends who loved being 30 and then 40 somethings, now deal with the reality of 50 staring them in the face. Sponsored by Viagra, Activa and Lipitor.
  – Prince of  Dead-Air–The biographical story about the VP of Cellular service for AT&T and his comical attempts to give better cellular coverage.
  – Saturday Night Live–In real time, on your Google Machine.
  – I Team–Creating and exploring new worlds with Apple Products.
  – My Three Sons–Back Home Again.
  – The ADD Couple
  – Get Smartphone
  – Facebook The Nation
  – Make Room for Diddy
  – Leave it to Boehner
  – My Eight Sons–Starring Kate Gosselin.
  – The Muensters–Updated, but still cheesy.
  – Master Ed–About a horse who is a martial arts teacher.
  – The Bob Oldhart Show
  – Chocolate CHiPS–Starring Mrs. Fields.
  – Miami Vise Grips–A series about criminal handymen.
  – Don Knotts Landing–Celebrating two classic shows.
  – Doobie Houser, not MD
  – All My Grandchildren
  – Live Broadcast of the U.S. Congress, formerly The Twilight Zone.
  – 30 Rock From The Sun
  – Leave It To Tweeter
  – I’ve Got Victoria’s Secret
  – What’s My Link?
  – Wonder Woman–Juggling Family & Career and Still Looking Good.
  – The Cosby Show–Now takes place in an old folks home.

The April Joke Contest is called:  Classic TV Updated.

New Joke Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).

New Cartoon Caption Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).  The next Cartoon Caption Contest will be announced May 1, 2011.

Your challenge for Classic TV Updated is to take an old TV show which is no longer in production and bring it up-to-date.  You can do this by changing the name slightly.  Or you could add a sub-title or short TV Guide type description.  Or re-cast the show.  Or some other variation.  Here is an example:

The Beverly Hillbullies
The cast of 90210 learns that “It gets better.”

See what you can come up with.  Submit your top three lines to HumorPowerTips@HumorPower.com by April 15, 2011.  To be eligible for our top three recognition, also submit your Name, City and State.

It’s time for the results of our March Cartoon Caption Contest–Reunion.  We feature the art of professional cartoonist Dan Rosandich.

New Cartoon Caption Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).

New Joke Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).   The next Joke Contest is April 1, 2011.

Here are the top captions for this month’s contest:

** FIRST PLACE **

You just got out after spending 20 years in jail?  So you’re single…?
     Sue Fiedler, Corpus Christi, Texas

** SECOND PLACE **

Frank, I’ve always considered you a shrewd businessman.  But charging people for NOT taking their picture is pure genius!
     Dave Orris, Patterson, California

** THIRD PLACE **

Didn’t you use to be Brock Miller?
     Darin Thompson, Smithfield, Utah

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

  – Don’t worry about the flash not working.  After a couple more of these, everyone will be well lit.
  – I told you to buy the camera that has the Extra-Slimming option.
  – 30 years and what do I have to show for it…3 ex’s, 10 kids, and an extra 75 pounds; how about you?
  – If you push the button on the other side it squirts ink.
  – I hate it when a light flashes just when you’re trying to take a picture.
  – If you take one more picture of your ex-girlfriend, Hector, I’m gonna
throw my drink in your face!
  – Just because you have a camera doesn’t make you a photographer.
  – Of course I recognize you, Arnold.  You played the romantic lead in our high school production of “Hair.”
  – Well, Clark Kent in the flesh!  I heard our reunion committee had finally tracked you down to The Daily World newspaper in Gotham, New York.  Funny, we all predicted you’d go into Spot Welding or Sheet Metal Work.
  – Isn’t that the camera you used at our high school prom?
  – You work for that sports magazine, don’t you? Are you looking for swimsuit models?
  – Don’t take a picture of me without my homecoming queen tiara.
  – I still remember all the fun we had in the Camera Club darkroom.
  – I’m into flash photography…so flash me.
  – Do you still drive that baby blue Ford Pinto?
  – Do you want to join the old gang and me afterwards, for some strip Dungeons and Dragons?

Visit cartoonist Dan Rosandich who has an extensive and in depth archive of categorized cartoons and cartoon pictures available for licensing at negotiable fees.

Here are the results from our February contest — New Holidays.  The top three entries were selected by a panel of six judges (speakers and improv players).

New Joke Contests are announced on the first of the month (alternating months).

New Cartoon Caption Contests are announced on the first of the month (alternating months).  The next caption contest is March 1, 2011.

Here are this month’s top lines:

** FIRST PLACE **

Slinky Day:  The day it’s OK to push your co-worker down the stairs.
     Samuel McRae, Battle Mountain, Nevada

** SECOND PLACE **

Procrastinator’s Day:  When is it?  Tomorrow.
     Nancy Lininger, Camarillo, California

** THIRD PLACE **

True Labor Day:  A day to say thank you to all Mothers on the day of their children’s Birthday.
     Jim Spero, Las Vegas, Nevada

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

  – Diet Wednesday:  Follows Fat Tuesday.
  – Daylight Spending Day:  We’ve been saving them long enough!  Let’s spend them before the government imposes a tax.
  – Bad Luck Day: A day to ceremoniously break mirrors while walking under ladders and stepping on cracks in sidewalks.
  – Naked Twister Day:  Everyone’s new favorite holiday.
  – Ex-Fed Day:  The day you don’t pay taxes on anything.
  – Smashing Pumpkins Day, November 1:  When we smash old Jack-o-lanterns left from Halloween while rocking to music by the Smashing Pumpkins.
  – Bagpipes Day:  So we can have blessed silence the rest of the year.
  – Day after Valentine’s Day:  Buy your sweetie a giant heart shaped box of candy for half price.
  – April Fool’s Month:  Named for the politicians who find creative new ways to spend our tax money.
  – Ex-Lacks Day:  When you call your ex to tell him/her exactly what is wrong with him/her.
  – Good-Old-Days Day:  Turn off all your electronic devices for 24 hours.
  – February 29th Day:  For those who only like occasional holidays.
  – Day-O Day:  A day to celebrate Caribbean music.
  – When Pigs Fly Day: Ask out that girl or guy who said no way and they have to say yes.
  – Dementia Day: On this special day men get to do what they normally do but without getting grief from their wives.
  – Martin Luther King Sr. Day:  Like Fathers Day, only more specific.
  – National Automated Telephone Freedom Day:  All automated phone lines are turned off and all calls are handled by live people.
  – Be Kinde to a Comedian Week:  When John Kinde invites aspiring comics to submit articles to his blog.
  – Deficit Day:  Celebrates the day the USA pays off it debt.  Currently scheduled for October 18, 2039.
  – What Goes Around Comes Around Day:  When the verdict is guilty.
  – Don’t I know You? Day:  Celebrated by lonely men.