Archive for the 'Contests' Category

Contest Results: Official Book/Movie/Song

Thursday, October 16th, 2014

It’s time for the results of the Official State Book/Movie/Song contest. The top lines are listed below.  New joke contests are announced on the first of the month.

Our subscribers submitted the Official Books, Movies, and Songs  for the different states.  Not REAL ones.  Just ones they came up with using their creativity.

The next contest is November 1, 2014.

Here are the top lines from this month’s contest.

Florida: The Old Man and the Sea
Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinois

Colorado: Climb Every Mountain
Terry Wall, Washington Township, New Jersey

Louisiana: The French Connection
Gerald Fleischmann, Fountain Valley, California

HONORABLE MENTION  (In random order)

– California: I Feel the Earth Move Under My Feet
– Kentucky: The Horse Whisperer
– Washington: Singing in the Rain
– Nevada: Succeeding Against the Odds
– Michigan: Built to Last

– Florida: A Day Without Sunshine
– Georgia: James and the Giant Peach
– Minnesota: A Tale of Two Cities
– California: All Quiet on the Western Front

– Oklahoma movie: Gone with the Wind
– Utah: Stairway to Heaven
– Hawaii: As Good As It Gets
– Florida: Some Like It Hot

New Joke Contest — Official State Book/Movie/Song

Wednesday, October 1st, 2014

The theme for our October joke contest is Official State Book/ Movie/Song. These are not really the official books/movies/songs. You make them up. Hopefully your connections and creativity will make your lines funny.  This theme was inspired by a suggestion submitted by Sol Morrison from Santa Barbara.

Here are three examples:

Book: Wisconsin–Who Moved My Cheese?
Movie: North Dakota–Frozen
Song: California–Good Vibrations

Write as many lines as you can.  Select your three best lines and submit them to by October, 15, 2014.

Joke Contest Results — State Slogans

Thursday, September 18th, 2014

Our State Slogans theme was inspired by long-time subscriber and funny guy Sol Morrison, Santa Barbara, California.

New Joke contests are annonced on the first of each month.

Look for the next contest on October 1, 2014.

Here are the top lines selected by our panel of judges (speakers and improv players). The Theme: State Slogans.


California: All Shook Up
Terry Wall, Washington Township, New Jersey


Washington: Like rain? We’re Rainier!
Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinois


New York: Unique New York (say it five times fast)
Tom Nee, Oak Lawn, Illinois

Honorable Mention (in random order)

– Washington DC: Big Spy Country
– Pennsylvania: Who wouldn’t like a state nicknamed PA
– Rhode Island: We’re not an island and we don’t have many roads
– North Dakota: Just like South Dakota, only higher up.
– Nevada: The funnest state ever

– Nevada: What’s gambled here stays here
– Minnesota: Land of 10,000 Likes
– West Virginia: Where we still do the Charleston
– Hawaii: HI is more than an abbreviation
– New Hampshire: Slightly nicer than Old Hampshire

– Idaho: This Spud’s for You
– District of Columbia: Live Free or Die Broke
– Washington State: George is On My Mind
– Hawaii: The Molten State
– Kentucky: Southern Comfort

– Washington DC: Land of 10,000 Mistakes
– California: The Quakier State
– Indiana: We say Hoosier before you say knock knock
– California: The Rolling Hills State 7.0
– Alaska: Bridge Over Troubled Politics

– Connecticut: How to get to Massachusetts from New York.
– Texas: Any other questions?
– Idaho: For girls and Boise
– North Carolina: Not South Carolina
– South Carolina: Not North Carolina.
– Rhode Island: You Just Missed it

– Washington DC: Grid and Bear It
– Washington DC: Don’t Make a Federal Case Out of it
– Arizona: Take in the Hole Thing
– Mississippi: There is no Mr.ssippi
– New York: We Rush More than South Dakota.
– Wisconsin: Home of Cheesy Humor

New Joke Contest — State Slogans

Monday, September 1st, 2014

The theme for this month’s contest is STATE SLOGANS.

Thanks to Sol Morrison, Santa Barbara, for suggesting this theme.

Many states have slogans, such as New Hampshire’s “Live Free or Die.”

Your challenge is to create a State Slogan that is not real, but funny.

Here are three examples:

Kansas: Not in OZ Anymore

Wisconsin: Chez Cheese

North Dakota: The Snow Me State

Challenge yourself to write a dozen lines. Maybe more. Then slect your best three lines and submit them for recognition in our Top Three.  If you submit more than three lines, the additional lines will be eligible for Honorable Mention.

Submit your entries to by September 14, 2014.

Contest Results — Almost TV

Thursday, August 21st, 2014

It’s time for this month’s contest winners. The theme for the contest is ALMOST TV. The challenge is to come up with the title of an imaginary TV show that almost sounds like a real show. Then follow the made-up title with a brief description of the show.

Here are the top lines selected by our panel of judges (improv players and speakers).


Leopardy. Quiz show where if you don’t have the right questions about predatory animals, you really lose.
Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinois


The Wig Thang, Deary: How to make homemade hairpieces.
David Novick, Dayton, Ohio


The Tazing Chase: Cops armed only with tasers go after panhandlers,
jaywalkers, and parking violators.
Terry Wall, Washington Township, New Jersey

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

– Tooth or Consequences: Dental students guess which tooth to pull.
– American Midol: Contestants try to obtain over the counter drugs
under Obamacare.
– R*A*S*H: Top dermatologists try to identify new skin diseases.
– Hawaii VO5O: Top Island hairdressers show their stuff.
– The Grate Race: Chefs shred their favorite cheeses to beat the clock.

– 30 Rocks: Contestants from primitive cultures learn to count.
– Duluth or Consequence: Three wrong answers and you’re out in the
– Prancing on the Parallel Bars, on Mars: Gymnastics in low gravity.
– The Offshore Rig Pyongyang Theory: Find oil in international
waters near North Korea without getting killed.
– Nay, Kid, I’m Afraid: How to teach children not to take unnecessary

– Under the Chrome: A competition to rip you off the most while
pretending to fix your car.
– Under the Foam: World Series of Beer Pong
– Meal or no Meal. Parents of teenagers return home after work to see
if their children ate all the food. Winners are the parents with the least
food to eat. The prize is dinner at their child’s favorite restaurant,
where the parents eat but their children only get to watch.
– Password? Anyone over 50 who remembers 50% or more of their
passwords receives a suite of programs, each program with it’s own
– Are you smarter than a 28th grader? Winners get an honorary PhD

– Let’s make a meal: Contestants swap half the ingredients of their
favorite recipes with each other, and then see who comes up with the
best dish. Winner gets their ingredients back and dinner at the show
host’s house.
– Family Freud. Guest psychologists attempt to analyze your family.
Loser must live with your family for one month.
– The Rice is Bright. Cooking contest to see who can make the shiniest
side dish.
– Behind Closed Doors: The program for peeping toms.
РCriminal Mimes: Marcel Marceau leads his young proteg̩ on a new
crime spree every week.

– Shiv Another Day: Armed with only his wits and a knife, Jack Bauer
has to survive his first day in Leavenworth.
– 2 Broke Merles: Down on their luck Dixon and Haggard become
waiters in a Country Western Zombie bar.
– Dancing with Their Cars: A cross between a dance competition and a
Demolition Derby.
– The Fracklist: Disgruntled oil & gas driller wants to expose corrupt
EPA officials.
– Guillotine Island: Castaways set up a dictatorial government.

– Rome Improvement: Tourists partake in making over famous ruins
of the world.
– Under the Superdome: Fans become trapped in the stands at a
never-ending football game.
– Fiends: Ghouls, zombies, and werewolves get together every week at
the same bar to recall old crimes.
– The Big Wang Theory: Series documenting aspects of whether size
really matters.
– Have Buns, Will Travel: Adventures of an itinerant baker.

– Wild, Wild, Vest: Upper body fashion show.
– Sons of Apathy: Sequence of stories about lackluster guys.
– Perqs and Recreation: Intrigue as to why the head Ranger gets all
the side benefits.
– Mall in the Family: “Shop ’til you drop” is this family’s watchword.
– Bored to Death: CEOs meet untimely demises, one by one.
– Silicone Valley: A breast augmentation doctor’s adventures.


New Joke Contest — Almost TV

Friday, August 1st, 2014

The theme for our August contest is:  ALMOST TV.  Create a title for an imaginary TV show that almost sounds like a real show.  Then tag it with a sub-title that tells what the imaginary show is about.

New joke contests are announced on the first of each month.

Here are three examples based on this month’s theme:

So you stink in your rants.
A competition between ranting comedians who aren’t funny.

Meal of Four Chins
A cook-off featuring recipes that give you multiple chins.

A merry Cannes bridal.
Behind the scenes at a happy French wedding.

Write as many new Show titles as you can. Then pick your top three to
submit. You can submit additional lines which will be eligible for
Honorable Mention. Submit your entries by August 15, 2014, to Include your Name, City, State.

Contest Results — First Date

Friday, July 25th, 2014

It’s time for our contest results for the July theme of  FIRST DATE.

Our Top-Three lines were selected by our panel of judges (speakers and improv players).

Our contests come out on the first of the month. Our next contest will be announced on August 1, 2014.

Here are the top lines for this month.


What NOT to say on a first date: Don’t worry, liquor doesn’t affect my driving.

Gerald Fleischmann, Fountain Valley, California


What  NOT to do on a first date: Text a friend about your date whilE you are on it, speaking aloud everything you are texting.

Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinois


What NOT to say when trying to get a first date: I stutter when I ask a pretty girl out. Oh look…I didn’t stutter!

Nancy Lininger, Camarillo, Calfiornia

HONORABLE MENTION (In random order)

What NOT to say when trying to get a first date: 

– I’ve been depressed lately. Maybe a date will cheer me up.
– Let’s meet at a wedding dress store.
– We’d have to meet out of town…people know me here.
– I can’t believe you’re going out with me. I really can’t believe you’re going out with me. I really really can’t believe you’re going out with me.  I really really really can’t believe you’re going out with me!

What NOT to bring to a first date:

– A Sponge Bob security blanket.
– A textbook from a class you took 20 years ago.
– Your grandmother’s ashes.
– Your dog. “He loves doing that. I’ll get you a tissue.”
– Your mother.

What NOT to say during a first date:
– So how do you feel about polygamy?
– Could I look at your teeth?
– Want to hear my Pee Wee Herman impression?
– By the way, do you have cab fare for the ride home?
– Is it OK if we dress up as super-heroes tonight?
– In the glove box there’s a bottle of aspirin, in case you suddenly get a headache.

– Sorry I’m late. My first hot date tonight took longer than I planned.

– We can have a fun time or not…it’s up to you.
– After dinner, you can come over to my place, and I’ll show you my trophies.

– I win joke contests.
– How is Venus this time of year?
– I’ve got to be home by midnight…in case my probation officer calls.
– We can go anywhere you want…as long as it’s not out-of-state.
– You remind me of my last date.
– If we get married I can stay in the country. Then we can go out again.
– I can get us fast service…Hey waiter, here’s a buck.
– I’ll call you if I remember your number.
– Did you have to pick the most expensive item?
– My policy is don’t ask don’t tell.
– I thought you were my dream date, then I woke up.
– Mother tried to fix me up with a guy who looks just like you.
– I’m sure that mole can be removed.
– What do you think of the new cologne I’m trying tonight? It’s an aphrodisiac.

– You smell much better than I’ve heard.
– I hope you’re not just another party pooper.
– I’m using this lip balm so my mouth sores can clear up before we kiss goodnight.

– I have a lot in common with Oedipus Rex.

– You use too many crutch words…have you considered joining Toastmasters?

– I thought I’d surprise you with an evening of competition paintball.
– I didn’t say we’re going to Birmingham; I said Burning Man.
– So how far do you go on a first date?
– Please don’t open the glove box…that’s where I keep my guns.
– So let’s talk about string theory.
– Is that your real hair color?
– Have you had a face lift?
– I can see you’re into me.
– Could you loan me some money?
– If we get serious, I will need to see your tax returns for the last three years.

– I live with my mom, 2 dogs, and 22 cats.
– I’m really good with numbers. I bet I can guess your measurements.
– My last date ended with a murder trial, but I was acquitted.

What NOT to do on a first date:
– Crack your knuckles repeatedly all evening.
– Text a friend about your date while you are on it, speaking aloud everything you are texting.

– Complain about never getting a second date.
– Laugh at everything your date says.
– Hum every few minutes, alternating between “The Candy Man” and “It’s a Small World.”

– Blow your nose on your shirt tail.
– Take a call from your ex.
– Check the score of a game (you will never score if you do).
– Turn up one hour late and say “Sorry, I forgot.”
– You pick up your date in your convertible with the top down when it is winter and windy.

– Show up wearing a bow tie and nothing else.
– Show up wearing a Sumo wrestling outfit.

Places to NOT to go on a first date:

– An adult theater, bookstore, or strip club.
– To a Toastmasters meeting and make sure your date is called on for Table Topics.

Joke Contest — A First Date

Tuesday, July 1st, 2014

Striking Out on a First Date.   Getting a first date and enjoying it are one of the challenges of life.   What are some things that might ruin your ability to get a first date, enjoy a first date, or get to a second date?

Here are some examples:

1. Things to not to say when trying to get a first date.
– How about dinner tomorrow night? Or are you going to play hard to get?

2. Things not to say on a first date.
– Will you want a boy or a girl first?

3. Things not to do on a first date.
– Bring a small glove and keep repeating “It it doesn’t fit you must

4. Places not to go on a first date.
– A funeral.

5. What to not too bring on a first date.
– Your Mother.

6. If you’re not enjoying a first date, how to be intentionally anoying.
– Take a Selfie every three minutes.

7. Things not to say after a first date.
– I can’t wait for our second date. We won’t be so limited on things
we can do.

8. Or any other faux pas a person could make related to a first date.
– I speak French. I’ll order the wine. Mr Wine Steward…voulez vous
coucher avec moi ce soir?

Write as many lines as you can. Then write ten more. Pick your best
three and submit by July 15, 2014. Send your top lines to You can send more than three
lines. The additional lines will be eligible for Honorable Mention. Our
panel of judges will recognize our top thee submissions.

Contest Results — Living on Mars

Monday, June 23rd, 2014

It’s time to share our best lines from our June Joke Contest. The theme is “I Want To Live On Mars Because…” Our readers submitted their unusual reasons why they would want to live on Mars.

Here are the results selected by our panel of six judges (speakers and improv players).

Our next contest will be announced on July 1.

And now: I Want To Live On Mars Because…


Earth has iTunes, but Mars has Neptunes.
Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinois


I want to explore those eerie canals.
Sandy Kampner, Evergreen Park, Illinois


Years on Earth just go by too fast.
Gerald Fleischmann, Fountain Valley, California

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

– There is new restaurant…good food but no atmosphere.
– There are no politicians on Mars.
– I’ve always been told red brings out my freckles.
– I will make a great Martian dictator.
– Google would no longer be able find me.

– I’d go to Mercury but everyone there has to wear SPF one million sunscreen.
– It says right here in the brochure that the Martians will have us for dinner.
– We’ve been to Vegas and there’s nothing left on Earth that we want to see.
– I’ll finally get to meet My Favorite Martian.
– I want to be off planet during the next election.

– It’s Space, the final front door!
– I want to have a different answer when aliens ask “Where ya from?”
– I want to live on Mars because they have fewer lawyers.
– I want to live on Mars because maybe the IRS won’t find me there.
– I want to live on Mars because in galactic terms, it’s just like moving next door.

– I’ve always wanted to rule the world. There will be less competition on Mars.
– I’ll be safe there. I’m in the Witness Protection Program.
It gets hot, but it’s a dry heat.
– I’ll be taller than the little green men.
– I can grab market share for gondola rides on the canals.
– I think I can go to Mars if I planet well enough.

– I had a Ford Galaxy once.
– I’m so tired of winter.
– They have good libraries. It is the read planet.
– I’ll uncover the truth about Roswell.

New Joke Contest — Living On Mars

Sunday, June 1st, 2014

The theme for our June Joke Contest is:  Living on Mars.

Mars One is offering you the opportunity to sign up for a one-way ticket to Mars. You can be selected for seven-years training to prepare you for the first team to colonize the red planet. And that leads us to the challenge for this month’s contest.  Complete this statment: “I want to live on Mars because…”

Here are some sample answers:
– After work I could relax in one of the many Mars Bars.
– That’s where men are from.
– On a clear night I could see Russia from my front door.

Write as many lines as you can. Then pick your three best lines to enter for our Top Three Contest. You can submit more than three lines and the additional lines will be eligible for Honorable Mention. Send your entries, with your name, ciy and state, to by June 15, 2014.