Archive for the 'Humor In Speaking' Category

New Joke Contest — Drugs You Can’t Live Without

Thursday, January 1st, 2015

The theme of the January Joke Contest was suggested by Gerald Fleischmann: Drugs You Can’t Live Without.

Your challenge this month is to come up with a new pharmaceutical drug. You could use some of these to descibe your new product:
– Genric Name
– Trade Name
– What it’s made of
– Prescription or OTC
– Recommended dose
– Benefits
– Side effects
– Cost
– Or other relevant information

Here are some examples:

Freelandia. Enjoy the retirement you’ve always dreamed of. The miracle memory drug costs you nothing until you die. At that time your heirs pay for thedrug with the deed to your home.

BoldLangZine: Works with traditional anti-depression drugs to make you the good old fellow you used to be, which nobody can deny. Sold Over the Counter in the alcoholic beverage department. Don’t forget the party hats and noise makers.

PrimalsKreeem: This amazing cream melts your tension away. Side effect: You may be mistaken for a painting by Edvard Munch.

Scamtastic: The 21st Century cure all. Made from organic free radicals of the Nile Valley Golden Asp. Formerly sold only by salesmen from the back of their van. Now available on the internet.

DawnSurprise (balsalmic tri-phosphorus sulfide). Supercharges your elimintion system overnight.

Write as many lines as you can and then submit your three best lines for top-three recognition by our judges. Send your lines to not later than January 15, 2015. If you submit more than three lines, the extra lines will be eligible for Honorable Mention.

Joke Contest Results — Twisted Cliches

Thursday, November 20th, 2014

The November Joke Contest was popular and attracted lots of great entries. Our panel of judges have selected a TOP FIVE this month.

The theme of the contests is Twisted Cliches. The challenge was to change a cliche by adding one letter, subtracting one letter, or changing one letter. Just one letter.

The next joke contest will be announded on December 1.

Here are the Top-Five entries and the Honorable Mentions.


On what it takes to be a fisherman:
All things come to those who bait.
Gerald Fleischmann, Fountain Valley, California, USA


On dieting:
Win one for the zipper.
Tom Nee, Oak Lawn, Illinois, USA


On fighting temptations during a diet program:
Cross that fridge when you come to it.
Surekha Shetty, Bangalore, India


On Homer Simpson’s advice:
Do as I say, not as I doh.
Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinois, USA


At a snail’s funeral:
Another snail in the coffin.
Balakumar Shanmugam, Eindhoven, The Netherlands

HONORABLE MENTION (In random order)

— On Prince Charles watching a storm:
Lightning never strikes twice in the same palace.
— On a cloudy day:
Nothing ventured, nothing rained.
— On the surgeon’s motto:
Better late than sever.
— On selfish people:
Good things come to those who want.
— On professional golfers:
Money doesn’t grow on tees.

— On the bully’s motto:
The end justifies the meanys.
— On real estate disputes:
Possession is nine tenths of the lawn.
— On office procedures:
Nothing is certain but death and faxes.
— On talking funny:
Truth is stranger than diction.
— On new flavors:
Spice, the final frontier.

— On shopping centers:
The love of money is the root of mall evil.
— On major league baseball:
You can catch more flies with money than with vinegar.
— On law officers:
Honesty is the best police.
— On a sniper’s scope:
A sight for sure eyes.
— On discovering spilt milk:
Look before you lap.

— On proper attire for exercising your pets:
Walk a mole in his shoes
— On Mother’s Day:
Daughter is the best medicine.
— On writers collaborating on plays:
The whole nine Bards.
— On cold weather:
Home is where the heat is.
— On strong coffee:
It’s never too latte.

— On cleaning up your kid’s rooms:
Let the punishment fit the grime.
— On rich presents:
Love is bling.
— On your first house:
Home wasn’t built in a day.
— On travel:
There’s no place like Rome.
— On keeping dad in a good mood:
A watched pop never boils.

— On keeping pets.
Don’t press your duck.
— On wrestling:
You always hurl the one you love.
— On tipping for bad service:
Better buck next time.
— On phone-center automated responses:
If these calls could talk.
— On bungee jumping safety:
Hook before you leap.

— Still illegal in 49 states:
No good weed goes unpunished.
— On a beer pong contest.
Let’s get a keg up on the competition.
— On bagle shop marketing.
We think outside the lox.
— On knowing the fine art market:
A fool and his Monet are soon parted.
— On falling through the cracks:
Don’t push your duck.

— On trying to lose weight:
No good feed goes unpunished.
— On getting a job:
A rolling stone gathers no boss.
— On a warning to Zombies:
No good dead goes unpunished.
— On an antique gallery:
Time will sell.
— On an antique gallery:
As good as old.

— On a breakup letter:
Grin and tear it.
— On a costume designer:
The gift of the garb.
— On a headline for an accident report:
Fall head over wheels.
— On advice for compulsive credit card users:
Pay your cards right.
— On frequent job hopping:
In one year and out the other.

— Tagline for a surgical weight loss clinic:
Make a quick tuck
— On a couple patching up, after a fight:
A make-up call.
— On getting better at repartees:
Wise to the occasion.
— On a mantra of a fugitive:
Stick to one’s runs.
— On getting hitched with a rich, over-weight partner:
Marry a lot of weight.

— On a hairline escape in a deadly accident:
The miss of death.
— Advice for a bachelor in his advancing years:
Get a wife.
— On how famous authors congregate:
Bards of a feather flock together.
— On the effect of acid rain:
When it rains, it sours.
— On sowing and reaping:
What you seed is what you get.

— On the European Space Agency:
Easy comet, easy go.
— On sitting near the heater:
The early bird gets the warm.
— On why graffiti needs stationary objects:
A rolling stone gathers no mots.
— On full employment:
A thing of beauty is a job forever.
— On Italian domesticity:
A Roman’s place is in the home.

— On taking dares:
Boys will bet boys.
— On boys in the bay:
Boys will be buoys.
— On cooking fowl:
Chickens come home to roast.
— On the advantages of calisthenics:
All’s well that bends well.
— On expecting torture at sunrise:
At the rack of dawn.
— On deciding how to travel:
My plane or yours?

— On cleaning your ears:
Take the easy wax out
— On sober boating:
Take the wine out of your sails.
— Profitability of Pharmaceuticals:
There’s gold in them there pills.
— On inflation:
The dimes, they are a-changing.
— On the virtues of alcohol:
To praise the bar.

— On assessing a sheep:
You’re right on the mutton.
— On a tsunami:
A rising tide lofts all boats.
— On being unable to bathe:
It’s stink or swim
— On showing affection for a tree:
Giving a pat on the bark
— On peanut butter:
Stick to your gums

— On flowers with a fishy oder:
Stop and smelt the roses.
— On the benefits of over eating:
Survival of the fattest.
— On award-winning cheekiness:
Sassed with flying colors.
— On diminishing the effect of labor:
Peel back the union.
— On not getting enough affection:
Being kiss poor.

— On making a good written impression:
Put your best font forward.
— On heeding the courier:
Don’t shoo the messenger.
— On behavior near fermentation vats:
Don’t spit into the wine.
— On praising an Alaskan city:
East or West, Nome is best.
— On singing with Satan:
Give the devil his duet.

— On civil engineering:
I think, therefore I dam.
— On advice to vegans:
If you can’t stand the meat, get out of the kitchen.
— On the human condition:
Live and yearn.
— On being shortchanged:
A faker’s dozen.
— On parenting in the good old days:
Beat around the tush.

— Bookshop Sign:
Buy the book.
— Cooking class:
Herb your enthusiasm
— Should have dressed warmer:
Fools cold.
— On living in California:
Be it ever so rumble there’s no place like home.
— On buying a combine today:
It’ll cost you a farm and a leg.

— On the little engine that could:
For trying out loud.
— On Santa ready to deliver toys:
Bags all packed and ready to ho.
— On entering the tree farm business:
Baptism by fir.
— On buying a romance novel:
You can’t judge a book by it’s lover.
— On working so much you get a split personality:
All work and no play makes Jack a duel boy.

— On problems at the shoe factory:
All heel breaks loose.
— No patience for idiots:
At my twits end.
— On driving a manual transmission car:
Shift happens.
– On being excited about tomorrow:
Going mananas.
— On refusing to smile at something funny:
Going against the grin.

— On a church being robbed:
Crime doesn’t pray.
— On the roofers creed:
Getting back up on the house.
— On someone suggesting a bad wine:
A cork and bull story.
— On line-drying clothes with little poems on them:
Airing ditty laundry.
— On a shopping center hit by a tornado:
Mall bent out of shape.

— On a mechanic ready to listen to your transmission problem:
I’m all gears.
— On available poets:
A bard in hand is worth two in the bush.
— On the busy month for the tanning industry:
Beware the hides of March.
— On discussing argumentative secret agents:
A Bond of contention
— On a rich but naive pony:
A foal and his money are soon parted.

— On grocery workers promoted to helping checkers:
Bagging rights.
— On Alice Kramden’s opinion of her husband:
My better Ralf.
— On sleeping anywhere you want:
All over the nap.
— On heavy metal band singers:
Another day, another hollar.
— On Marcel Marceau’s best buddy:
Any friend of yours is a friend of mime.

— On modern music derived from the Bible:
As ye sow, so shall ye rap.
— On a fumble at the snap:
At the drop of a hut.
— On throwing away old fruit:
At the end of my ripe.
— On complaining about electronic transmissions:
A fax to grind.
— On someone new to Humor Power Contests:
A babe in the words.

— On a scuba partner who always corrects you:
A back seat diver.
— On a Victorian lady choosing her first paramour:
Back to squire one.
— On getting over being embarrassed:
Beat around the blushes.
— On sledding down sand hills:
Been there, dune that.
— On sleeping on the job at the sausage factory:
Catch 40 links.

— On someone skilled at math:
Easy as pi.
— On being cool:
Have an ice day.
— On a dog who growls in code:
His bark is Morse than his bite.
— On cartoon dialogue:
Holy POW.
— On a consultant giving advice:
If I told you, I’d have to bill you.

— On the futility of chastity:
Chaste makes waste.
— Note to the kitchen staff on how to sabotage the important dinner:
To many cooks, spoil the broth.
— Using a kitten as a gyroscope:
There’s more than one way to spin a cat.
— On being in debt and drinking excessively:
Neither a borrower nor a bender be.
— On the benefits of dieting:
What doesn’t fill you makes you stronger.

— On Chicago baseball fans deciding to support the Cubs:
Think outside the Sox.
— On living in Florida:
Time flies when you’re having sun.
— On Marcel Marceau enjoying work as a trapeze artist:
Mime flies when you’re having fun.
— On news headline about Marcel Marceau career as a nurse: Mime
heals all wounds.
— Coal executive talking about the deepest extraction point:
That’s the bottom mine.

— On Microsoft Windows:
Crash is King.
— Advice to someone who lost his left eye:
Always look on the right side.
— On making fun of the judiciary:
Justice is blond.
— On using an iCoffee brewer:
There is no i in Tea.
— On having tasted love:
Love is bland.

— On being good at time management:
Have the fast laugh.
— Reflections on the inventing of penicilin.
The good mold days.
— On a baby who hates bad weather:
When it rains it pouts.
— On a spicy Mexican dish:
Fire in the mole.
— On driving on a road under repair:
Tire in the hole.

— On calling 911:
Fire in the home.
— On a passionate actor:
Fire in the role.
— On asking a pessimist what he’s thinking about:
A penny for sour thoughts.
— On asking a well-traveled friend what to go see:
A penny for tour thoughts.

New Joke Contest — Slightly Twisted Cliches

Saturday, November 1st, 2014

The theme for our November joke contest is:   SLIGHTLY TWISTED CLICHES.

Twist a well-known phrase by leaving out one letter, or changing one letter, or adding one letter.   Not two letters.   Just one.

For example, a cliche:

A fool and his honey are soon parted.

All that glitters is not sold.

A jog is man’s best friend.

For lack of a shoe a hose was lost.

Write as many lines as you can.  And then write ten more.  Pick your best three and submit them for our TOP THREE recognition. You can submit more than three lines and the additional lines will be eligible for Honorable Mention recognition.

Submit your entries to by November 15, 2014

The next joke contest will be announced on December 1, 2014.

Humor Writing Exercise

Wednesday, October 15th, 2014

It’s fun creating my own, unique humor writing exercises.

I look forward to getting Allen Klein’s Monthly Mirth Letter. He shares jokes that are sure to put a smile on your face. This month, three of them stimulated my funny bone.

– Several fonts walk into a bar. “Get out of here,” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type here.”

– If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.

– Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

In the spirit of creative writing, my take on the jokes:

– Two fonts were having a beer at the Main Street Bar, when a noisy entrant at the front door announced: “There’s a new Serif in town!”

– Insanity is jumping off the same bridge in Paris and not expecting to be in Seine.

– A historian asks his mathematition friend, “We’re celebrating my promotion. Are you drinking?” The friend replied “I ain’t drinking nothing.” The historian loudly ordered, “Bartender, my friend will have a double negative.”

Subscribe to Allen’s newsletter at

Ten Reasons Why Toastmasters Do Not Jog

Tuesday, October 7th, 2014

Ten Reasons Why Toastmasters Do Not Jog

10. Because Mr Jogger, Ms Trotter and Fellow Runners sounds stupid.

9. Because they fear jogging more than they fear death.

8. Because there is no designation of JTM.

7. Because they know that other joggers will be visualizing them naked.

6. Because if they drop dead on a jogging trail they’ll be featured on Dateline NBC.

5. Because the local JogMasters International club will bug them to join.

4. Because everyone they know who is already a Distinguished Jogger is really not in great shape.

3. Because joggers never smile.

2. Because jogging is not on the Distinguished Club Plan.

1. Because all they’ll get for their effort is a certificate of participation.

Special Humor Event — Las Vegas

Sunday, September 28th, 2014

Everything you wanted to know about humor.  Nine speakers presenting the secrets of using humor from the platform.  Monday, September 29, at 6:15 pm.   The location is Pololu Robotics, 920 Pilot Road, Las Vegas 89119.  Suggest you arrive by 6:00 pm to get a seat.

Special Humor Workshop in Las Vegas

Thursday, September 11th, 2014

Humor Workshop In Las Vegas

Monday, September 29. Featuring nine humor experts.

Time: 6:15 pm until 8:30 pm

Location: Pololu Robotics, 920 Pilot Road, south of the airport.

Cost: It’s free.


Humor for Teens to Seniors
How Presenting Humor is Different for Women and Men
Comedy Magic
Comic Timing
Accents an Dialects
Testing Your Humor
Success at Open Mic Night
Writing Funny Jokes
Humor is No Joke

Mark your calendar now!

Joan Rivers

Thursday, September 4th, 2014

Memories of a comedy professional…Joan Rivers.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.

My best birth control is just to leave the lights on.

I am definitely going to watch the Emmy’s this year. My makeup team is nominated for Best Special Effects.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

It’s been so long since I’ve made love, I can’t even remember who gets tied up.

Ups and Downs of English

Saturday, July 19th, 2014

UPS and DOWNS of the English Language

I’m a fan of creating my own humor writing exercises.  I saw a post online which discussed the crazy English Language.  It got me going UP and DOWN the strange contrasts in our colorful language.  Here are some of the things I came up with:

Why fill a pillow with DOWN if you’re only going to fluff it UP?

Why do they say a bank robbery is going DOWN when they’re being held UP?

If a balloon goes UP in flames, will it come crashing DOWN?

If someone is feeling DOWN why do they need to throw UP?

If you’re number was UP, would it make you feel DOWN?

In Blackjack, if your luck was on the UPswing, why would you double DOWN?

If you were DOWN on your luck, why would you give UP?

If a team is DOWN two in the ninth, why would the next batter be UP?

If you were consoling someone who was UP-set, would you be a DOWN comforter?

If you put a paper bag over your head when you had hick-UPS, would you put a plastic bag over your head if you had hick-DOWNS?

If you cured hick-UPS by scaring someone, would hick-DOWNS be cured by love at first sight?

Now you’re all caught UP and have the low DOWN on the latest definitions.

I just made this UP and wrote it all DOWN.

Shaggy Dogs and Feghoots

Tuesday, June 17th, 2014

Here are a couple of forms of speech making which are related to humorous and entertaining speaking:

A Shaggy Dog Story. This is a long-winded, rambling story which keeps the attention of the audience, often because they recognize elements of a joke, but the payoff never comes, or it comes in the form of a pointless punch line.

A Feghoot is a type of rambling story that supports or builds to an ending which uses an atrocious pun. One of our local Clubs in Las Vegas, The Lunatics Toastmasters, is hosting their annual Feghoot Contest on Saturday, June 28, 2014, at 1:00 pm. If you are a Toastmaster you can enter the contest without being a member of their club. And if you are a non-Toastmaster you can still attend. And it’s free. Sounds like fun.

For more information about the club and the contest, visit their web site.