Humor Power

It’s time for our Joke Contest for the month of February.  The contest theme is Being Single.

New Joke Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).

New Cartoon Caption Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).  The next caption contest is March 1, 2012.

Your humor challenge is to compare Being Single with other things; objects, activities, institutions, etc.  Here are some examples:

Being single is like bath water.  It’s not enjoyable when it’s not so hot.

Being single is like playing basketball.  You’ll impress no one if you dribble on your foot.

Being single is like the stock market.  It has its ups and downs.

Write as many humor lines as you can.  Then select your best lines and submit them.  If you submit more than three, the extra lines will be eligible for honorable mention.  Only your first three will be judged by our panel of judges for first, second and third place.  Select and submit your best entries, and your city/state/country, by February 15, 2012, to HumorPowerTips@HumorPower.com

Here’s another Observational Humor monologue presented at the end of a meeting.  Ten other club members presented a total of 20 observational lines before I presented my monologue.  They came up with observations that never occurred to me, yet they didn’t duplicate any of the lines planned for my monologue.  The lesson is that the supply of humorous observations is almost limitless…you only have to be looking for them.

THE SET-UP (What happened and what was said during the meeting before the monologue was presented.)

1.  Scott suggested that Dana was looking for someone to dance with.

2.  Dana gave a humorous speech about kissing.

3.  The emcee for the evening introduced “Nancy Grace” as a theme for the meeting.  He referred to her Wardrobe Malfunction on Dancing With The Stars.

4.  The word of the evening was STRIDENT.

5.  A guest said that he came to Toastmasters to work on his social skills.

6.  A guest said he came to Toastmasters because his boss encouraged him to come.

7.  In his kissing speech, Dana said that when you kiss a woman you want to make the hair on the back of her neck stand up.

8.  A speaker talked about getting rid of bees.  He said that after the bees are gone, the honey which remains in the walls of a house can cause over $10,000 damage.

9.  Talking about ladder safety, a speaker described ladder mittens which are used to prevent damage to the walls.

10.  A speaker talked about restaurant inspections and mentioned a restaurant named Heart Attack Grill.

11.  A speaker said that health inspectors have found restaurant kitchens with live roaches and mice.

THE MONOLOGUE

I went dancing Saturday night.  I had a great time Dana…and Scott.
(A call back, dropping myself into someone else’s story.  Used SCOTT as a topper.)

Dana…we enjoyed your speech.  50% of the women were hoping for free samples.  And 25% of the men.
(A humorous suggestion of free samples, followed by a topper, 25% of the men.)

To the average man, a kiss from Dana would be as welcome as a wardrobe malfunction from Nancy Grace.
(A joke driven by a comparison.)

If you want to improve your social skills…chew Strident gum.
(Using the word of the day for a sound-alike chewing gum joke.)

Like our guest, I also came to Toastmasters because of my boss.  That was 39 years ago.  If this is your first meeting, in forty years THIS is what you have to look forward to.
(Self deprecation.)

When you’re over 60 you learn that when you kiss a woman, you want to make the hairs stand up in her nose and ears.
(Using a standard joke of “old age comes with hair in your nose and ears.”)

And you learn that when you divorce…your honey can cause over $10,000 damage.
(Connecting divorce with bee eradication by using the double meaning of HONEY.)

After tonight’s program, I’ll be leading a Multi-Level-Marketing program on selling Ladder Mittens at inflated prices to friends and family.
(I used this line because I thought that Ladder Mittens was a funny sounding word.)

Then we’ll be having dinner at the Heart Attack Grill, which is located in the Palm Mortuary.  When you arrive there the Host will ask you, “Plot or Crypt?”
(I used this joke because other restaurants mentioned in a speech were identified by location, but Heart Attack Grill was not.)

Tonight we learned that when eating in a restaurant, and you find live roaches and mice in your food, you should notify the Health Department.  If you find DEAD roaches and mice in your food…you should use chopsticks.
(I thought that it was interesting that the speaker on health inspections only identified inspection problems with LIVE roaches and mice.  I decided to ask “what if” DEAD roaches and mice were found, and twist it with the use of chopsticks to solve the problem.)

It’s time for the results of our January Cartoon Caption Contest featuring the artwork of professional cartoonist Dan Rosandich.

New Cartoon Caption Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).

New Joke Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).  The next Joke Contest is February 1, 2012.

Here are the top captions for this month’s contest:

** FIRST PLACE **

Perhaps you should have saved the 500 page novel you just finished writing before turning off the computer.

     Tom Nee, Oak Lawn, Illinois

** SECOND PLACE **

Allow me:  !@#%  &&%#  !!?!  *#@!  There, feel better?

     Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinois

** THIRD PLACE **

Now you can tell your friends in construction that you also do back-breaking work.

     David Novick, Dayton, Ohio

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

  – I said retweet, not retreat!
  – Parrot and owner attacked by a Google of Geese.
  – Repeat after me: Excessive tweeting may cause dizziness, requiring medical tweetment.
  – I said nice life…not it’s your wife!
  – This is only a test of the national Life Alert system.
  – What are the Kardashians up to now?
  – I told you that you should have voted.
  – Uh-oh. His boss just located his Facebook site.
  – Your parole officer friended you on Facebook?
  – Polly is a hacker!
  – Oh!…birds-and-the-bees.com…I can’t wait!
  – Yawk!  I said I wanted a cracker not a hacker.
  – Oh no! A dear Polly letter!

Visit cartoonist Dan Rosandich who has an extensive and in-depth archive of categorized cartoons and cartoon pictures available for licensing at negotiable fees.

When a comedian hosts an awards show, you can expect some roast-style humor.  That’s why they hire the comic.  A roast structure creates a vehicle to ensure the success of the jokes which follow.  Before you start firing jokes at people in the audience, you need permission.  This is usually received by making fun of yourself, which gives you permission to make fun of the boss or authority figures, which gives you permission to make fun of the honored guests.

Last night Ricky Gervais hosted the Golden Globe Awards for the third year.  Some people were surprised he was chosen as this year’s emcee because many thought he was over-the-top offensive last year.  But in his pre-show appearances, he made it clear that he was going to do some sharply-pointed humor this year, too.  The anticipation of what he was going to say helped build the tension, which is an important trigger for humor.

Here are some bits from his monologue (not the whole monologue) and some observations:

So where was I?
(A transition from last year’s performance to this year’s.  Sets the stage for “more of the same.”)

Nervous? Don’t be. This isn’t about you.
(He will start primarily with jokes about the sponsor of the event and himself.)

Hello, I’m Ricky Gervais and welcome to the 69th annual Golden Globe Awards live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Los Angeles.  Voted for by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association.
(His formal opening lines establish the fact that the Hollywood Foreign Press Association was an authority figure, a fact which may not have been well-known to the television viewing audience.)

Tonight you get Britain’s biggest comedian, hosting the world’s second biggest awards show on America’s third biggest network.
(Uses the rule of three.  Pokes fun at the host network.)

Sorry, is it? Fourth. It’s fourth.
(A topper.  And another joke poking fun at the host network, an authority figure.)

For any of you who don’t know, the Golden Globes are just like the Oscars, but without all that esteem.
(Uses humor to compare the Golden Globes to the Oscars.  Again poking fun at the “boss.”)

The Golden Globes are to the Oscars what Kim Kardashian is to Kate Middleton.
(Uses pop culture to make a comparison.)

Now the Hollywood Foreign Press have warned me that if I insult any of you or any of them or offend any viewers or cause any controversy whatsoever, they’ll definitely invite me back next year as well.
(The technique of extrapolation.  Was offensive last year.  Will be offensive again this year.  Will be back next year for more of the same.)

They actually gave me a list of rules. I’m going to ignore them, but I thought it would be good to read them out.
(Using a list is a good way to say something funny while pretending they’re not your words.)

No profanity. That’s fine. I’ve got a huge vocabulary. No nudity. See, that’s a shame. Because I’ve got a huge…vocabulary. But a tiny….
(Self deprecation.)

Homeland…It’s about a load of immigrants who came to America about 100 years ago and they got involved in bribing and corruption and they worked their way up into high society. But enough about the Hollywood Foreign Press.
(More humor at the expense of the “boss.”)

I’m joking. I love them and they’re good sports for inviting me back. What I didn’t know is they do an awful lot for charity and their non-profit organization. Just like NBC.
(A softener, which is the equivalent to saying, “I’m just joking.”  Which he then follows up with another jab at the authority figures.)

(Gervais has poked fun at NBC, the Hollywood Foreign Press, and himself.  He’s ready to start the show.)
Should we get on with it?

Seven years ago I was bothered by barking dogs.  My neighbors on BOTH sides had dogs that barked every time I stepped into my own backyard.  They barked if a car pulled up in front of the house.  They barked for almost any reason.

It took some time, but I eventually came up with a perspective which allowed me to overlook the barking:  If prowlers were checking out my backyard, the dogs would bark.  The last thing prowlers would want is something announcing their presence.  At night, if the dogs were not barking, my backyard was secure.  Free guard dogs!  They were part of my security system…and I didn’t have to feed them, care for them, or take them on walks.  With my new perspective, I was rarely bothered by the barking.

Now I’m looking for a positive perspective on the neighbor’s cat that poops in my garden.  The thought of free fertalizer doesn’t do the trick.

It’s time for our Cartoon Caption Contest for the month of January.  We feature the art of professional cartoonist Dan Rosandich.

New Cartoon Caption Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).

New Joke Contests are announced at the start of the month (alternating months).  The next Joke Contest is February 1, 2012.

Here is the cartoon:

Write as many captions as you can.  Then select your best three captions and submit them.  You can submit more than three lines, the extra lines will be eligible for honorable mention.  Only your first three lines will be judged by our panel of judges for first, second and third place.

Select and submit your best entries, and your city/state/country, by January  15, 2012, to HumorPowerTips@HumorPower.com

Visit cartoonist Dan Rosandich who has an extensive and in-depth archive of categorized cartoons and cartoon pictures available for licensing at negotiable fees.
http://www.danscartoons.com

With the caucus and primary events coming soon, let’s reflect on the wonderful humor lessons provided by our politicians:

1.  The Obama Technique.  Don’t waste your time creating “second term” jokes.

2.  The Gingrich Technique.  Start by preparing a humorous concession speech.

3.  The Mitt Romney Technique.  Look for ways to make fun of other people’s first names.

4.  The Cheney Technique.  If someone fails to laugh at your jokes, claim you shot him by accident.

5.  The Rick Perry Technique.  Just speak and you’ll naturally say something funny.

6.  The Bill Clinton Technique.  Insist that, “I did not laugh with that woman.”

7.  The Hillary Clinton Technique.  When it comes to humor in your house, wear the pants.

8.  The Ron Paul Technique.  Laugh at your own jokes.

9.  The Herman Cain Technique.  When a joke fails, say with a straight face, “I have never told a joke.”

10.  The Jon Huntsman Technique.  Only one percent will realize you told a joke.

11.  The Nancy Pelosi Technique.  Drive home your jokes with the power of facial expression.

12.  The Joe Biden Technique.  Learn to tell jokes with your foot in your mouth.

13.  The John Boehner Technique.  If you write a joke which you love, but the President likes it too, never use it.

14.  The Michele Bachmann Technique.  In a marriage, the woman should deliver the punch lines…the husband should be the straight man.

15.  The Reagan Technique:  Say “Well,” and pause until you think of something funny.

16.  The Bush Technique.  Remember that neither 41 nor 43 are especially funny numbers.

17.  The Nixon Technique.  If people don’t laugh at your jokes, say “I am not a comedian.”

18.  The Ford Technique.  If all else fails, fall flat on your face.

19.  The Jimmy Carter Technique.  Realize that although people will not immediately laugh at your jokes…Years later they will appreciate you.

20.  The Kennedy Technique.  Use clever similes, like:  “I am a jelly roll.”

21.  The Johnson Technique.  Marry someone with a fun-sounding name.

22.  The Eisenhower Technique.  Effective only with people in their 80s and older.

It’s time for the results of the December joke contest–Foreign Phrases

New Joke Contests are announced on the first of the month (alternating months).

New Cartoon Caption Contests are announced on the first of the month (alternating months).  The next caption contest is January 1, 2012.
 
Here are this month’s top lines:

** FIRST PLACE **

persona non grata
persona non Prada:  Someone who shops at a thrift store.
     Marty Bernstein, Oak Park, Illinois

** SECOND PLACE **

haute cuisine
oat cuisine:  High-fiber diet.
     David Novick, Dayton, Ohio

** THIRD PLACE **

deja vu
deja new:  Retro fashions.
     Melanie White, Rowlett, Texas

HONORABLE MENTION (in random order)

ante bellum
ante potbellum:  Before the potbelly.

billet doux
bullet doux:  Hate letter.

pro bono
go Bono:  Shouted at a U2 concert.

savoir faire
save our fare:  Don’t raise transportation prices.

sang froid
sang Floyd:  Pink Floyd on the karaoke machine.

grand prix
grand spree:  Christmas shopping.

ex libris
ex-Liberace:  Formerly flamboyant pianist.

comme si, comme ca
come see, consume:  Merchant’s sales slogan around Christmas.

O sole mio.
Oh, sole me:  I’ll have the fish platter.

Post Meridiem
Post Meridiem:  The afternoon paper.

prego
pray go:  Please get lost.

Ay caramba
I can rhumba:  I’m a great dancer.

je ne sais pas
Jenny says wha?

oy vey
oy stay:  The guest that never leaves.

joie de vivre
joie de relieve:  After what seems like an eternity, you finally find a rest room.

billet doux
billet through:  A Dear John letter

femme fatale
hem fatale:  The very-mini skirt worn by a femme fatale.

dolce vita
dolce eater:  Someone with a sweet tooth.

savoir faire
savoir hair:  An excellent hair stylist.

deja vu
deja clue:  The detective later realized that the first clue contained the solution to the case.

faux pas
faux fox:  Fake fur.

que sera sera
que Sara Sarah:  How do you spell your name?

fait accompli
feta compli:  A properly-aged Greek cheese.

flagrant delicto
fragrant dictato:  Coco Chanel reciting a recipe for a perfume to her stenographer.

pro bono
probe Ono:  Questioning John Lennon’s widow.

savoir-faire
savior fare:  The Last Supper

veni, vidi, vici
vendi video vice:  I sell porno movies

force majeure
farce immature:  Juvenile humor.

ipso facto
calypso facto:  A style of music and dance originating on Trinidad and Tobago.

bon mot
Bond mot:  A clever remark from 007.

carpe diem
carpe per diem:  Take your lunch money.

caveat emptor
Dick Cavett emptor:  Be careful what you say on a talk show.

coup de grace
coupe de Grace:  Two-door auto for Monaco royalty.

aficionado
afishionado:  A highly-accomplished angler.

angst
sangst:  Fear of performing a song in public.

au courant
au current:  Up-to-date wiring

cause celebre
Claus celebre:  A Hollywood Santa.

faux pas
fo pa:  A present for dad

je ne sais quoi
je ne sais quay:  I don’t know where the boat will dock.

quid pro quo
squid pro quo:  I’ll give you some calamari for that.

vox populi
Magnavox populi:  TVs for everyone.

ala mode
ala commode:  Stylish bathroom.

habeus corpus
flabbeus corpus:  Time to join a gym.

mea culpa
mea pulpa:  I’m the one who mashed it and I’m sorry.

que sera sera
que seran Sarah:  Where’s the plastic wrap?

rigor mortis
bigger wartis:  That bump on your hand is hard.

vice versa
vice versatile:  Highly skilled in bad habits.

gracias
grassy ass:  A friendly acknowledgment to a long-timer on Occupy Wall Street.

faux pas
faux pa:  Someone pretending to be your father.

por favor
poor flavor:  Something that tastes bad.

ichi ban
nietzsche ban:  No philosophers allowed.

veni vidi vici
weni nidi Nietzsche:  I wimpy, I penniless, and I responsible.

A non-sequitur can be used as a humor trigger because of the relationship, or non-relationship, it creates.  A non-sequitur is a statement in which the final part is totally unrelated to the first part.  Or it’s an argument in which its conclusion does not follow from its premises.

An example of a non-sequitur:  I am Norwegian and I am Scandinavian.  Bob is not Norwegian therefore Bob is not Scandinavian.  There is a dis-connect in the logic and the conclusion does not ring true.

Another example:  The news stand was out of Sports Illustrated…I should have worn clean underwear.  Second part does not flow logically from the first part of the statement.

About a month ago, the Word Of The Day at our Toastmasters meeting was non-sequitur.  A week later I decided to try a non-sequitur joke in my Observational Humor monologue. 

The set-up for the joke was a Television commercial which I had recently seen on a couple of the local TV stations.  It was a bunion commercial.  It featured segments of ordinary people going about their daily activities:  “I love jogging…hate the bunions.”  “I love my job…hate the bunions.”  “I love shopping…hate the bunions.”

The commercial stood out to me because I had seen it at least a dozen times.  So I decided to close my Observational Humor monologue with a non-sequitur joke.  Here it is:

“I love humor…hate the bunions.”

I thought that was funny…since there is no logical connection between humor and the bunions.  The audience sat there and just looked at me.  Not a smile.  After about five seconds I received a sympathetic titter.  The joke didn’t work.  I normally close with a joke that I feel is a sure winner.  So the lack of response was a total surprise to me.

Back to the drawing board.  Time to learn a lesson:

1.  Ask questions.  I talked to some audience members after the meeting.  Most people had not seen the bunion commercials.  Oops.  An incorrect assumption on my part.  I felt that at least half of the people there would have seen the commercials.  I was way off base.

2.  Just like me.  Part of the problem may have been the assumption that people were similar to me.  The bunion commercial was advertising for a local foot-care center.  Most of the commercials aired in the early morning hours when the rates were cheaper.  I often get up between midnight and 4:00 am for a drink of water, and before I go back to sleep I turn on the TV and watch for five minutes.  That’s when I see the commercial.  On reflection afterward, people who attend Toastmasters meetings are probably watching less TV than your average person.  And even fewer are watching in the wee hours of the morning.  So I was using a set-up that probably no one could relate to.  They weren’t just like me, putting themselves in the place to see the commercial.

3.  A clear set-up.  The fact that I used a non-sequitur, which made no logical sense, magnified the need for a clear set-up.  A vague set-up based on an incorrect assumption just didn’t do the trick.  In hind-sight, when using a non-sequitur, a crystal-clear set-up is very important.  Forget playing with the superiority theory and letting the audience do most of the work to get the joke.  I should have referred to the previous week’s word of the day, perhaps defined it, and used a non-sequitur in my comments…before I did my closing joke.

4.  Speak clearly.  The feedback also told me that several people didn’t catch the word BUNION.  I may have been sloppy in my projection or my enunciation.  Or the problem could have been that bunion is not a commonly used word.  I don’t think I’ve used the word bunion in the last 20 years, in conversation.  That’s probably the same for other people too.  Combine the fact that it’s an un-common word with the fact that the train of logic is a total disconnect and you have a sentence which is greeted not with laughs but with “Huh? What did he just say?” Just as I should have mentioned the process of doing a joke with a non-sequitur, I also should have made a comment about bunions before I needed to use it as a punchline to a joke.  And I needed to speak the word BUNION clearly.

5.  Go to school.  You learn more when you bomb than when you get a huge laugh from a joke.  Always go to school when you have a joke that falls flat.  On the flip side, also go to school when you get a laugh where you were not expecting one.  It’s understanding the unexpected which prepares us for stronger performances in the future.

It was so cold in the meeting room…
How cold was it?
A question like that would open the door for a series of “cold in here” jokes for Johnny Carson:  It was so cold in here that penguins have been sneaking in to spend the night.

Creating jokes on a theme gives you a structure on which you can build a series of jokes.  It provides a vehicle to carry or deliver those jokes.

We recently moved our Toastmasters club meeting to a new, temporary location.  With winter approaching, and apparently lacking a working heater in the new meeting room, the temperature of the room was very cold.  The meeting last week was energized by a brisk 56 degrees Fahrenheit (13 degrees Celsius).  Everyone was bundled in warm coats.  The door was wide open for “cold” jokes.

As the meeting opened, the club President noted that it was cold in the room, but that it was a DRY cold.  That was a good opening joke to disarm the issue of how cold it was in the room.  It was a twist on the cliche often used in a desert climate, during the summer:  It’s hot, but it’s a DRY heat. Throughout the meeting, members made three or four humorous references to the cold room.

At the end of the meeting, the cold was a clear target for Observational Humor.  Here are some of the jokes from my monologue:

  – I arrived early for the meeting tonight, in fact I was the first one here.  They hadn’t even removed the sides of beef hanging from the ceiling.
(That joke set the scene for a series of cold jokes without saying “it’s cold in here.”  I let the audience “realize” the set-up on their own, which is a stronger way to present humor using the superiority theory.)

  – Since our club is well-known for it’s humor, I’d suggest that future  agendas include the request of BYOH…Bring your Observational Humor.  OR…Bring your own heat!

(A speaker quoted a statistic that 66 percent of Americans are concerned with their financial future.)
  – This just in:  66 percent of Americans are concerned with their financial future.  The other 34 percent are concerned with staying warm.
(A good call back and switching it to a COLD reference.)

  - I’m glad it’s a DRY cold in here.  If it weren’t…it would be snowing.
(Piggybacked on the President’s DRY joke at the opening of the meeting.)

(David came prepared for the meeting.  He was wearing gloves.)
  – If it had been warmer in the room, I would have been expecting David to remove one glove and break into a Michael Jackson medley.
(This was a joke made possible by the cold room and the attire worn by David.  When doing jokes on a theme, look for things said and done because of that theme.  And then look for the humorous connections.)

Your goal in most speaking situations is not to build a humor monologue, but to create one good, funny line which might be used to open your comments.  Your initial goal is to come up with several lines, and you then have the freedom to select the line you feel is the strongest.  Quality comes from quantity.